"Moving On" or "My first official day as a full-time stay at home mom"

(This is a little long, rambly, and reflective.... so read if you want. Mostly, its a record for me.)

Elena doing what she loves... hanging out with the big kids and showing off her mad colorguard skills.

Well, I'm done.

The day before yesterday, I returned from my last competition as colorguard instructor at Lone Peak. And as of today, I am officially no longer the colorguard instructor.

Hmm.

It's a really weird feeling. This is something that I've been anticipating for a few months now, since I made the decision to be done. But, now I feel kind of weird - a little sad, a little reflective and melancholy, a little empty, but also a little peaceful, relieved, and happy. Lots of conflicting emotions.

Colorguard is something I have been involved in for over ten years - definitely the majority of my conscious life. Crazy how time flies! I think that's why I feel a little empty. I've just given up a big part of myself. Well, not given up, but put a big part of myself on the way back burner (because someday when my kids are older, I am planning on getting back into it). It may seem silly to be so sentimental about an extracurricular activity. But, guard was a vehicle through which I learned a lot of life lessons, made some of my strongest memories, and became a lot of the person that I am today. We each have different vehicles for that - for some, its football, for others its dance, for some its soccer or volleyball, or art, or writing, or student politics, or drama, or one of a million other things. Things that shape us. And I have absolutely loved teaching for the last four years - getting to play a hand in shaping my students lives and helping them to develop a love, or at least an appreciation, for the same thing that I fell in love with.

It's been a hard thing to walk away from. Definitely THE hardest decision I have ever made. Deciding to marry Eric - a snap. Where to go to college? BYU, obviously. Time to have kids? Yeah, that feels right. But, I wrestled with what to do about this for a long time. After Elena was born, I started to feel a need to be at home and to fully be a mom to her. Those feelings have only intensified as she has gotten older and more aware. But, at the same time, coaching guard has been my dream job - I've always wanted to do it. And, I have been working at one of the most amazing schools ever. I couldn't have asked for a better situation. I have loved my girls, loved learning new things about the activity and how to better do my job, I've loved the creative outlet, I've loved the place I worked at - in short, I've just loved my job!

When I contemplated retiring, I thought, I really, really feel like to be the mom I want to be (and frankly, need to be), I need to be at home and able to devote myself one hundred and ten percent to the job at hand there. There are lots of super moms in the world who are able to do a fabulous job both at work and at home, but I have found over the last two years that I am just not one of them. I can only do one thing well at a time. At times my work has suffered and at times Eric and Elena have suffered, depending on which thing I was focusing on. So, the answer seemed clear - be done and stay at home. But, then I would think about the work that I have been doing at Lone Peak and I thought, well, I'm doing a lot of good there, too - influencing students lives and hopefully teaching them important lessons. They have a need for good role models and good adult influences in their lives, too, right? So, then the answer seemed less clear and I felt like I should keep coaching. I think that's why its been a hard decision - because I was trying to choose between two good, worthy things. One thing wasn't obviously bad or wrong. One thing was just more worthy. And it took me a little bit to figure that out. Finally, one day, late this spring, after Eric and I had been talking about what I should do, I got a really clear answer and knew that it was time to be done. There was a big difference from all the turmoil that I felt before over the decision - for months I just couldn't come to an answer and then all of a sudden, I felt very calm, very peaceful, and resolute. A night and day difference. And that feeling has never left me - even at the end, as I've been getting sad for things to be over, I've still had that underlying feeling of knowing that I am doing the right thing.

Originally, the plan was to finish out the year, but I got pregnant a little sooner than planned (hehe... like you can plan those things) and I decided it would be best to make a clean break after the fall season in order to prepare for the new baby and make things as smooth as possible for my girls at Lone Peak.

Which brings me to today. I have found two amazing new directors for my girls (who will kick the pants off of anything I ever accomplished - I can't wait to see what they do!), tour is over (LP rocked the house, by the way -watch for upcoming posts to hear all about it), I said my goodbyes and now I'm done. And now I'm a full-time stay at home mom. So far, so good. Although, its hard to tell because I still feel too weird about the whole situation. :) I keep getting wound up and trying to think about my schedule for the week and all I have to do and then I think, "hmm, wait - I don't have to do anything." (Well, sort of. And my sister is freaking getting married this week, so its a little bit of a busy week) :)

And lastly, let me just say how grateful I am for a good husband. After I was done being all weepy and sentimental on Sunday, Eric told me that he was glad I was done - that it was something he's been wanting for a long time. I was shocked. Really? You never would have known that from the way he acted - a girl could not have asked for a more supportive, helpful husband. He was always giving me advice, letting me rant, coming to practices and competitions, watching Elena for me, educating himself about guard so he could understand it better, and just being excited for me in general. He even gave up watching most of the BYU vs. TCU game this year, in order to come to a competition. And if you know what an insane BYU football FANATIC Eric is, then you know that is really saying something. :) He's gone shopping with me for PVC pipes to make backdrops for my winterguard, spent our date night spray painting props, drove up to Lone Peak with no notice to bring tools and help solve a crisis when we were loading our equipment one day before a competition, and stayed up til 4 in the morning helping me sew flags. The list goes on and on. He's been absolutely incredible. Yesterday, when I asked him how long he'd felt that way, he said,

"Pretty much ever since Elena was born."

"That long? Why didn't you say anything?"

He just said, "Well, I didn't want you to know. I just wanted to support whatever you felt was right."

And he did. Oh boy, he did. And I love him all the more for it.

Anyways, so here's to the next chapter of my life.

***************************
For your viewing pleasure (but mostly to indulge my reflective feelings), here are some pictures of some of my past guards: