Hyrum Wayne

He is here!

In a complete whirlwind, but under the Lord's watchful eye, 

Hyrum Wayne Hoffman

was born via emergency c-section at 29 3/7 weeks on

September 10, 2014

 at 8:30 pm

weighing 1 lb 15 oz

and measuring 15" long.

Here's our little guy at about two weeks old. He will be in the NICU for a few months as he continues to grow and develop and overcome some obstacles. They are taking great care of him and he is doing great. Miraculously well. He was within hours of not making it when he was born and then is quite premature, but The Lord has blessed us tremendously and Hyrum is strong and progressing well. We are so in love with this little guy. And we can't wait for the day when our family gets to be at home under one roof. 

More will come later as we have little moments of time to spare. As for the rest of us... Well... Life keeps taking unexpected turns. I don't understand why things had to happen this way, but I do know The Lord will get us through. This scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 has been on my mind the last week or so and it describes a lot of my feelings:

And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me...and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it.

Summer happenings: A very special little boy

Well, I don't know that I have all the right words for this part of our summer. Back in mid-June, we found out that a little BOY would be joining our family! Hopefully our double rainbow baby.

Eric and I knew that we wanted another baby immediately following Kate's death. I don't even know if there was ever a conversation, it was just a given. We still wanted to grow our family. It just became a matter of when. At the time, I knew I wanted to take several months to let my body recuperate, but we didn't feel any need to wait beyond that. Well, grief and life are messy. And over the next few months (along with waiting for Mother Nature to give us the green light), we went through a whole gamut of emotion and thought. There was a lot of pain. There were times I thought I was crazy for ever thinking it was ok to have another baby so soon. There were even times where I was 99.9% sure we would actually never have another child and we were done at three. For a good while, the whole subject of pregnancy, childbirth, babies, and anything even close to it left my stomach in knots, my heart aching, and my head a sad, angry, depressed, bitter place. October through January were a dark, dark time around these parts.

February dawned with a little bit of hope on the horizon. There were some major therapy breakthroughs, the blessed passage of time aiding us, and many tender mercies from the Lord and the miraculous healing and strengthening power of the Atonement manifest in our lives. I could finally see some light ahead and it felt like the storm was letting up a bit. There were still ups and downs and I still struggled with most of the same hard feelings as before, but one thing was for sure. I was ready to jump in and have another baby. It was an odd paradox - how the pregnancy/baby subject could still be so painful and yet I was hoping to be a part of the club soon myself. But, if I've learned one thing from therapy, it's that we're going to let that one be. They were real, valid feelings for me and that is enough. Hopefully I handled them alright.

We had been religiously tracking my cycle and knew the first day when a test could be positive. In mid-March, I took a test the night before we were planning as a "we could definitely have a dependable answer" day and there was a super faint little vertical line - so light I kept questioning whether my wishful thinking was making me see things. But Eric and I knew my body well enough to take notice of that extremely faint line. Lily was born after several pregnancy tests with extremely faint lines. The pregnancy I miscarried before Kate was confirmed by a pregnancy test with an extremely faint line. It's just how I roll, I guess. (Interesting side note... we learned a few years ago, that for me, we need to always use the "two lines" test as opposed to the digital. We get false negatives on the digitals in early pregnancy, but something about how the lined tests works is enough to just barely pick up on things. Anyways, random!) We went to bed excited and nervous with plans for a repeat test in the morning when the Hcg levels should be more concentrated. In the morning, the faint vertical line was a little darker. Pregnant.

Awesome!!!
Crazy.
Oh wow.
Hooray!!!
Oh man.

Enter an absolute whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. I bounced back and forth between elated and terrified, dreamy and cautious.

"I want to call Stephanie, but I don't want to tell anyone else - not even the girls for now." I told Eric before he left for work. He obviously didn't feel the same - especially about the girls- but said he would go along with what I wanted to do. I couldn't quite explain what I was feeling to him... I just knew that I was so overwhelmed by my own thoughts and feelings on the subject that I couldn't even think about dealing with anyone else's. I knew I didn't want to risk Elena and Lily's tender, overburdened hearts on another loss if I miscarried. And I had a great fear that if people knew we were having another baby, that they'd assume we were "over" Kate's death and that everything was "back to normal". (What silly phrases. Since neither of those things can ever happen.)

But after I got Elena off to school, I allowed myself fifteen minutes of squealing and happy tears with my midwife when I called to get into her schedule for November-ish. She rejoiced with me, empathized with me, planned, chatted, and also laughed at my promptness since I was all of like three and a half weeks pregnant. :) Stephanie said this pregnancy would be a journey. And that is exactly how I have found it so far- a journey of many emotions, wishing, hoping, learning, growing, and healing. I set up my first appointment with her for mid-April and hung up the phone wishing time would go by more quickly.

After a few days, we told the girls about the new baby. Eric really wanted to include them and eventually we figured that they would be there if things didn't work out and have to deal with it then, so we might as well give them a little happiness in the moment. They were very excited and gave many promises of keeping our secret. Which they did pretty well, except for one slip to a neighbor a few months later.

All seemed to be going well- I was tired, but not really sick- until about 5.5 weeks when I started spotting. I tried to ignore it for a few days, but for pete's sake how do you ignore blood when you are in your first trimester? The only other time I had bled at all during a pregnancy was with the miscarriage I had. Not a very reassuring sign. The spotting kept happening and I started cramping, as well. After about a week, I texted Stephanie casually asking if there were any non-sinister explanations for cramping and spotting in the first trimester. She replied that there were and offered to do anything she could to help me ease my mind if I thought of something. The bleeding and cramping continued and changed from pinkish to bright red, as well. I was trying hard to let go of my will and accept the Lord's - whatever it was. But at times I just wanted to shout out, "Why this pregnancy? Can't we just have everything go without a hitch now?!" It was a daily exercise to let go of fear. And I learned a lot about truly trusting the Lord and letting go of my desires to control everything and my tendency to live in fear.

At about 7.5 weeks, I asked Stephanie if we could do an ultrasound. I just wanted to know if the baby was alive or not - if I should keep hoping or if I should just work on accepting the inevitable while I waited to miscarry. I was not yet in Stephanie's care at the time I was having ultrasounds with Kate, so going to her ultrasound tech of choice was a new experience for us. One of her other homebirth mommas is an ultrasound tech who offers ultrasounds out of her home. I was disappointed with our ultrasounds during my pregnancy with Kate and this was such a refreshing change! Sunny is a joy to work with and was so kind and understanding and sensitive about our situation. I think every one of us was holding our breath as we waited for the image to come up on the TV screen. To our amazement and delight, there was a little peanut with a strong heartbeat. I could hardly believe it. Sunny let us listen to the heartbeat several times and took measurements and checked things out and everything looked as perfect as could be. Measuring right on time, perfect heartbeat, and no obvious reasons for the bleeding. Off home we went to keep hoping and waiting.

I bled for another couple of days and then stopped a day or two before my 8 week appointment with Stephanie. I was so relieved and thankful and hoped we were done with all of that. Stephanie let me know that I'd need a rhogam shot if I started bleeding anymore now that I was 8 weeks, but I was hopeful that things would be good and boring until I saw her again at 12 weeks. But about two or three days later, I started bleeding and cramping again. So, back to her office I went for a rhogam shot (Another random side note: Stephanie is a rhogam shot ninja! Seriously, you can't even feel it when she does it! Bless that woman.) And then more waiting. A little after 9 weeks, I had my heaviest bleeding and cramping yet - bright red blood with a few clots. I was really worried again and asked Stephanie if we could do another ultrasound just to check. Again, we all waited with baited breath and again up popped the image of a healthy baby. Very little and kind of alien looking still, but wiggling and moving! Oh, it is so amazing to see such a tiny thing moving around! It is really a baby! And it had a strong, steady heartbeat. Everything still measured perfectly and there was no obvious reason for the bleeding.

Again, the bleeding stopped a few days after the ultrasound. It had slowed down to barely discernible spotting occasionally when I wiped. Somewhat nervously (I really didn't want to miscarry on the plane of something!) I left for my trip to Utah to meet Emily and see Kate's grave. The day I flew home from Utah, I turned 10 weeks, which was when I started miscarrying the pregnancy before Kate's. Happily, all signs of blood had vanished! I arrived home with a hopeful heart after having not bled for several days and was unexpectedly bowled over by really bad nausea and sickness. "Morning sickness" has never hit me that late in a pregnancy before and it was a doosy - but I was so grateful for such a strong pregnancy sign. Surely things had to be going well if I was feeling so sick and if it was just starting that had to mean that some good pregnancy hormones were active and flowing!

After about five weeks of spotting and cramping, it all vanished! In it's stead came hard core tiredness and sickness, but that was a-ok with me! A little bit after the spotting cleared up, we decided to take a leap of faith (well, Eric was more than ready, but for me it was a leap!) and tell close family that we were expecting again at about 11 weeks. After a loving reception, we expanded the circle out to a few more close friends. And over the months, a few more and then a few more and a few more and now here we are. It was such a bumpy start to this pregnancy. But now, I feel confident in where we are. It has been a learning process - several months of incredible growth and coming to learn more about the Savior's Atonement. I am so grateful for where we are.

We miss Kate dearly... I think often about her and wonder if she's had some time to hang out with her little brother. She is especially on our minds right now as we are approaching her first birthday. I often think about and hope that she will be one of the angels with me as I am bringing this new little baby into the world. We are thrilled, though, to be able to continue growing our family. It has been quite a journey to get another baby here with us. We are hoping, hoping, hoping. But always trusting that the Lord will help us through whatever comes.

So! This little man of ours! It is crazy - we are finally having a boy! That is another subject on which I feel so much I can't talk about it. We are very happy and were pretty shocked at the news. What in the world do you do with a boy? I guess you figure it out? I'm pretty sure he's going to be insanely good-looking, like his dad. And sweater vests and plaid shorts and button up shirts about kill me with their cuteness. I bought THE cutest little tie a month or so ago. Those things are exciting. :)

(In the upper left hand is his head and you can see his nose and upper lip. Then his tummy in the middle of the picture with his arms brought up over his eyes. Pretty cute.)

Our latest ultrasound showed that our little guy is as healthy as can be. Such a relief! I felt like I could fully exhale for the first time in months after seeing that. He was a funny little character and stayed really scrunched up the whole time. He liked to keep his legs folded up against his head and kept peering in between them. Cracks me up.

(Perfect little legs and feet)

So, he is healthy and all seems to be well. He is active and I LOVE feeling his kicks and wiggles every day - it is so reassuring and I just love it. He is sitting super low all the time and I feel like he is just settled and ready to go (but not for a while yet, baby!) and I wonder if he is going to jump into life with gusto like Elena did. Eric just started being able to feel him kicking and that is so sweet and exciting. We are having a SON!!!!

The latest belly shot at 23 weeks.

This pregnancy has been very healing to me. I suspected it would probably be that way, but I have been surprised at how much it has been true. It is hard to express it all other than just to sum it up by saying that it has been healing. I feel like so many things that were hard have just melted away as the weeks have ticked by. I am so, SO grateful for it! Thank the Lord for sending us this miracle! Elena and Lily are the light of my life and make me laugh each day - we have been through a lot together. Kate is my angel in Heaven that helps me remember that there is more beyond this life and to move forward with my eyes up. And this little boy will forever hold a special place in my heart and my life as the child that the Lord sent to help heal me. The one who helped me to fully wake up and live again.

Kate's birthday, part 2

You can read part 1 of Kate's birth story here.

The clock rolled around to 7:15 and I had gone back into our bedroom to work through some contractions when I heard a knock at the door. The contractions were really big - sharp and tight and swelling, coming on with immediate power that seized me entirely until they peaked and began to subside into a cramp-like feeling. Eric answered the door and Stephanie, my midwife, walked in. I could hear them talking, but happened to be in the middle of a strong contraction, so I stayed in my "zone" until it finished. By the time it had finished, I could hear that Crystal (Stephanie's student midwife) had also arrived. I walked out into the living room to greet them and Stephanie gave me a hug, as she does each time we have a visit, with an extra squeeze of excitement, happiness, reassurance, and all other good "you're having a baby!" type vibes. I was truly led by the Lord to find Stephanie and it was so good in that moment to have her there. I felt completely confident and safe in her hands. I knew she had all the skills and knowledge to help me as needed and I also knew that we shared very similar views about childbirth and that she would respect and support me and keep Kate and me safe.

We all exchanged some excited chatter about how things had been going. They asked a few questions,

"How are contractions going?" 2-3 mins apart, about 1 minute long.

"Any fever?" Nope.

"Water hasn't broken, right?" Right. And I've had bloody show.

I had to pause for another contraction - that was the last one we have on the contraction timer - at about 7:30 p.m.

Then I said something like, "Yeah, I'll be really excited to hear her heartbeat. She's been pretty quiet, but I don't know if I've just been too caught up in the contractions to notice."

Stephanie replied, "Well, let's have a listen!"

Crystal started to do an initial assessment and I sat down at the table so she could take my blood pressure. It was great, as it always is. Everything was going as normal. Then she got out the doppler to check on Kate and told me she'd take an initial listen and then try and catch her again as soon as I had a contraction, so we could hear Kate'e heartbeat through a contraction and see how she was doing. I sat still, waiting to hear that beautiful woosh woosh, so that I could exhale. At every single check-up throughout pregnancy, I was always a little nervous until I heard the heartbeat. I'm such a worry wart and a bit of a masochist to boot. So that's how life goes. Crystal didn't immediately find the heartbeat and shifted the doppler on my belly to keep looking. That's ok, I thought to myself. They have to do that in my appointments sometime, too. Sometimes, it just take a second to find. Stephanie was sitting on the couch nearby and said to Eric,

"You know, dads tell me the worst part for them isn't labor or pushing or anything, it's waiting for us to find the heartbeat. They hate that part. Sometimes it just takes a minute to find because things are shifting around during labor."

Crystal still wasn't finding a heartbeat - just the static crackling every so often. My heart started beating faster.

"Would it help if I changed positions? Should I lay down?" Crystal and Stephanie said yes. I immediately slipped off the chair and laid down on the rug near the table. I wanted to get into a better position and hear this heartbeat as soon as possible. So silly - I should have just started laying down, so we wouldn't be worrying like this. Crystal listened again for a minute or two, moving the doppler all over my belly. Still, it was silent. Stephanie came over and took the doppler from Crystal to listen. She moved it around and there was more silence. My heart was about to thump out of my chest.

Stephanie looked up at me and said quietly, but intensely, "It shouldn't be taking me this long to find your baby's heartbeat." I nodded and was thinking, This can't be happening. Not after everything we've been through. Is this really happening? 

"We need to go to the hospital and get a scan to see what's going on and what we need to do - if we need to finish up there. We'll just have to see."

No, this can not be happening! All of these months of planning and hoping and preparing and dreaming were crashing down around me.

I started to get up from the floor and Stephanie chimed in, "Best case scenario, we'll come back here and have the baby and things can continue as planned. But we need to go take a look." That gave me an odd ray of hope. Although something in me knew that probably wasn't going to be the case - and certainly that it didn't matter if Kate could just be ok- it gave me a little bit of hope to cling to that helped me get off the floor and make the drive to the hospital. In the shock of the moment, I was glad for a little bit of denial to hide behind: Yes, it's just some weird fluke. We can come back here and carry on as planned. Kate is just fine.

I got up and we briefly decided which hospital to go to. Stephanie told us to go ahead and she'd make a phone call to let them know we were coming and they'd gather my chart and a few things and meet us there in a few minutes. Eric had kicked into that all-too-familiar "handling an emergency and rushing off to the hospital" mode - quick moving, super alert, adrenaline pumping. We grabbed shoes and my purse and headed for the door.

Stephanie stopped him, "This is not an emergency. Please drive safely."

What Stephanie had meant was: It's not an emergency - there's nothing anyone can do. She's gone." In my head though, I clung to that statement as further fuel for my self-protecting denial, "See, it's not an emergency. We should hurry and get this taken care of, but Kate is fine." 

Things kind of blurred for a moment after that. We walked out the door - light on, rain tracks still playing away - I'm not even sure if we left keys for Stephanie and Crystal to lock up with. We walked out to the car and passed a man standing by a car who gave us a sympathetic look and quick nod. I think that's Stephanie's husband. Why is he out here? Was he just going to wait for her out here until the baby was born? Nevermind, I don't care. I can't think about this right now. Let's just get to the hospital. We drove around the building towards the exit and talked about the fastest route to take to the hospital. Ironic how life works, I thought to myself. This is the hospital I came to for blood work after my miscarriage, so I know where it is. Boy, I hate this hospital.

Eric and I talked nervously as we drove towards the highway. The last bit of sunset was just visible as we headed west and since it was Sunday night, the roads were quieter than usual. We talked about ways it could still be ok. I told him how I really, really didn't want a c-section. But I didn't care if Kate would be ok. We talked about how great Stephanie is - that she knows and readily admits when something is outside her scope. We sat silently for a minute and then I gave voice to something I'd been feeling for months. It was something I'd been pushing down and trying to shrug off as paranoid worrying rather than communication from the Spirit. It had been strongly impressed upon me again the night before in the temple and now that this was happening, there was no denying it any longer:

"I'm actually not surprised this is happening." I hesitatingly began. "The Lord told me last night in the temple that Kate wasn't going to live." The air burst out in a large exhale after those words. "I think He's been trying to tell me for several months now. I just didn't want to believe it."

We missed the exit for the hospital and had to back track a bit, but finally located the labor and delivery wing and found a parking spot near the front labeled, "For Laboring Moms".

"That's me for now. Take the spot!" I said through a contraction. I didn't want to have to drive over anymore speed bumps. Speed bumps + sitting still in a car + contractions = no bueno. We walked through the sliding doors and looked around. There was no one in the lobby, but a phone hanging on the wall by a set of double doors. We were buzzed into what was apparently labor and delivery triage and a nurse at the front desk asked how she could help us.

"I'm in labor and we're here for an ultrasound. My midwife called ahead."

The nurse gave us a form to fill out and said she'd call the doctor and it would be a minute. We waited in the hallway for a few minutes and I had a nervous, sick feeling in my stomach the whole time. And coupled with my dread and worry about the situation was an overwhelming load of disappointment. Oh, how I didn't want to be here! This is not how it's supposed to be! Stupid hospital!

(And a sidenote here: Obviously, we would have done anything to save Kate if there was something we could have done. But there was nothing anyone could have done. My primary grief is for Kate's death and that we don't get to have her here with us now. But apart from all that, there is a small sliver of very real grief for the birth experience that didn't go as planned. And that's ok, too. When my midwife wrote up her version of Kate's birth story she said something about that that I just loved - I really appreciate that she "gets it". She said: "For someone who hasn’t been there they might not understand, might think it’s shallow to care about the birth experience when the baby has already died…..but it isn’t. It doesn’t make the baby less important…it means that they don’t have more disappointment piled on top of the tragedy." So that's why I talk about those things.)

We were directed towards a room just to the right of the front desk and I was directed to change into a (nasty) hospital gown and lay down in the bed. The doctor came in and shook hands.

"Hi, I'm Dr. V. What's going on today?"

"I've been in labor. We're having a home birth, everything's been going well, my midwives arrived and couldn't find a heartbeat, so they said we should come in for an ultrasound."

"Ok, well, let's take a look," he said as he turned towards the ultrasound machine. Stephanie and Crystal walked in and sat down. The room was completely silent as the doctor moved the transducer around my belly. And, just like in the ultrasound during my miscarriage, I was the only person in the room that couldn't see the screen. Seriously lame set up. I breathed through a few contractions silently and looked back and forth between the doctor's face, the ceiling, and Eric's face. Any minute, I was sure the doctor would speak up and say, "There's a problem of some sort, but she's still here and we can save her. It'll just require a little shifting of plans." Any second now... I scanned the faces in the room again to try and get some information and caught sight of Stephanie crying and mouthing, "I'm sorry" to Eric. Why was she doing that? Ok, what's the game plan guys? What do we need to do next? For some reason, I was still shielding myself with denial and clinging to hope that there could be a happy ending.

Eric nodded at Stephanie and started to turn towards me, the only one in the room still in the dark about the reality of the situation. He touched my arm and I smiled up encouragingly at him, thinking, We got this, babe! It'll be ok. But then I saw the look on his face and my wall of denial came tumbling down. I nodded acceptance of what he was communicating and yet it all seemed like something in a dream - so sickeningly like the ultrasound after I had miscarried except a thousand times worse. Was I understanding this right? Surely they weren't actually trying to say that she had really died. I was in labor - she was about to be born! This can't actually be happening. I looked over at Stephanie and she again mouthed, "I'm sorry."

Finally, the doctor turned towards Eric and I and spoke up, his voice tinged with emotion. He was very kind and gentle and extremely reluctant as he explained that our baby had passed away. He mentioned a few options for how to proceed - stay in the hospital and deliver, go home and sleep and come back in the morning to have her or go home and give birth as planned. I asked if he was absolutely sure that she was gone - if there was any chance. I didn't want to make any decisions if there was some shred of possibility that he could be wrong. Stephanie and the doctor both spoke up to reassure me that she was, quite certainly, gone. The doctor showed me the screen and pointed out her silent heart, still umbilical cord, and lifeless body. Reality started to sink in on me. Not in a crushing way, but sadly and quietly. I did my all-too-familiar "hold in the tears and smile and say the minimum that needs to be said for the doctor to leave the room, so I can lose it" routine. Stephanie and Crystal told us they would be there to support us in anything we chose and everyone left the room, so that Eric and I could discuss what we wanted to do.

We hugged each other and cried for several minutes. We threw back and forth a few options and then sat quietly thinking and crying. I had a brief moment where I considered staying in the hospital and getting an epidural - if my baby is dead and I still have to do this, maybe I should just take drugs and forget about it. This situation stinks! But that thought left about as quickly as it came - no, I don't want that at all. I can do this and I'm going to do this. Kate is gone, but I still have a job to do and my body can do it just like it was always going to. After a minute or two longer, I knew what I wanted to do,

"I want to go home. I want to be alone and comfortable in our home and have Kate. This can still be a beautiful, peaceful experience. I don't want to be here in this hospital."

Eric nodded and then began to cry again, "I just don't want you to have to do this. I don't want you to be in pain."

I nodded and we sat silently for another minute. All of a sudden a wonderful thought came into my mind, filling me with light and peace and purpose. I hugged Eric and looked him in the eyes. "It's ok, babe. You know what? I just had this really strong impression: Kate still needs her body. She came here to get a body and she needs that body to finish coming to earth. I still have an important job to finish up. It'll be ok." In all of my studying about the gospel and womanhood and childbirth and our eternal, sacred roles I had learned and felt this powerful truth before. The Lord reminded me of it in such a tender, beautiful way at that moment. In that split second, I had a powerful spiritual impression about the breadth of Kate's purpose and the meaning of her short life. It gave me strength and resolve and a measure of peace about what laid ahead.

We started to gather our things to leave. I walked over to get my clothes when all of a sudden a contraction hit in earnest. It was like someone had pressed the mute button since we'd walked inside the hospital and now that we had decided a new course of action we felt comfortable with, everything unmuted. It absolutely amazes and fascinates me how our amazing bodies work - my body turned down the laboring dial when it didn't feel safe and comfortable. (Ah, it's soooo cool!) The contraction had enough force and immediate sharpness that I leaned over a counter to work through it. When it finished, I told Eric they were picking up again and told him to forget about changing clothes, we needed to get out of there! He opened the door to tell Stephanie and Crystal our plans and ask the nurses for whatever we needed to leave. Not long after the previous contraction ended, another one hit. And ow! Did it hurt! I leaned up against the wall to brace myself. It was a sharp, pointed pain that seemed to shoot up through my legs, coursing past my cervix, and up my uterus. And just as I registered the different, pointed nature of that contraction water started gushing out.

"Eric, my water's breaking!" I gasped out. He turned around to look and then relayed it to Stephanie. Water kept streaming out. And I started giggling. It is the oddest sensation in the world. I don't think I'll ever get over it even if I have 100 babies.

"We need to hurry," I said quickly when I moved away from the wall. From there on out, the contractions were clipped and remained pointed and painful like inside parts of me were tearing or something. It was no longer that rising and falling crampy feeling. It was all sharp pain. Post water breaking contractions- to a tee. I went deeper inside myself and my replies got shorter and more focused - my head felt somewhat detached from my body. I had one goal and one goal only - get home as fast as humanly possible. We walked back down the hallway towards the L&D triage exit. We had just about reached the lobby when a registration clerk called out to us to wait. All of my focus was on navigating the contractions, so with that detached feeling, I leaned against the door frame half in the lobby. Somewhere in the background I sort of registered the registration clerk whining about how they didn't have any information for us, that we hadn't checked in. Eric told them we just did an ultrasound and that I was about to have a baby and that we needed to go. The clerk protested some more. Eric had one hand holding my bag and one hand on my back, he let go of me and fished our insurance card out to throw at her. While the clerk went to photocopy the card, Stephanie stood on the lobby side of me and spoke reassuring things in my ear. Where is that darn clerk? This is taking forever! I thought. All of a sudden, a new sensation hit me: a huge wave of nausea washed over me. I was going to throw up NOW! I was fighting pretty constant discomfort and nausea simultaneously. I looked around the room helplessly, but all I saw was a tiny (like really minuscule) excuse for a trash can behind the guard's desk in the lobby.

"I'm going to throw up," I said desperately. Someone grabbed the trash can and held it up to me. The nauseous feeling ebbed slightly and out of nowhere I started shaking uncontrollably all over. A lightswitch went off in my brain - transition!! Crazy, different contractions, nausea, and shakiness - just like a million birth stories I had read. This was it! I'd never felt all of this before! I was excited, awestruck, nervous, and hurting like a banshee all at the same time.

A powerful contraction gripped me. And that's about all the words I have for it. Truly. It was like nothing I've ever felt before. It was total body. It ripped through me and wrung me out and pressed on me with the weight of several hundred tons all at once. I heard myself start moaning. I leaned into the door frame and held on for dear life. My body was pushing!

I looked over at Stephanie, "I'm pushing!" Uh-oh, this meant we were out of time. I was a little worried, disappointed, nervous, and also awe-struck. It really was like people described it. Your body does just start pushing. Incredible! It was all my body. I was just along for the ride.

Me and my half-on hospital gown self moaning in full blown the-baby-is-coming labor right there in the lobby. And I didn't care one bit. Childbirth is fascinating that way. I honestly couldn't have cared less. But I'm sure it was a funny and maybe slightly terrifying sight for anyone in the vicinity. :) I looked over at Stephanie, "I want to lay down. The baby is coming." I wish I had words to convey how I sounded to myself. Because it was surprising to me. Normally, I am not very assertive in my conversations and I tend to be pretty soft spoken when it comes to speaking up for preferences or asking for things. But in this slightly out-of-my-head, focused mode, I was being extremely direct. No pandering or dancing around the subject or suggesting things. Just short, blunt commands. It still amazes me and cracks me up to think back on how I felt.

Stephanie replied, "Ok, do you want to lay down here or lay down in the car?" She was gently reminding me of my intention.

"I want to lay down now." I felt like a whiny toddler. My legs felt so weak. I was shaking all over and nothing sounded more delightful than getting off my feet. (Except now, in retrospect, floating in a warm birth tub during pushing sounds A-MAZ-ING!)

"Ok, but do you want to go lay down in the car and head home?"

"No, I don't care - I just need to lay down right now." I moaned.

When the contraction eased a bit, we turned around and headed back into triage in search of a bed. I walked down the hallway clinging on to Eric from behind. Stephanie stayed by my side and talked to me gently, but firmly as we walked. I don't know where they were trying to take us - somewhere in the distance, I thought I heard someone say something about it being a long walk and needing to get me quite a ways down the hallway. All I could think was, Yeah, right lady! The first bed I see, I am on it and you just try to stop me. I will be horizontal soon one way or another! A nurse that was walking with us down the hallway kept asking me if I wanted to sit in a wheelchair. Uh, no, sitting sounds like torture right about now!

"No, I want to walk." I clipped out breathy and impatient.

When we got about to the triage room we where they'd done the ultrasound, another big push came. I stopped and braced against Eric, "I'm sorry.... I'm sorry.... I'm puuuuuushing." I moaned shakily. All of my muscles were shaking- they were working so hard. I wanted to lay down. Apparently something about that moment communicated what was happening to the hospital staff and they stopped all their silly plans to have me walk a mile to a room and turned me into the room we'd done the ultrasound in and helped me lay down on the bed. Blessed relief! Very brief relief, but I'd take it! I was so far drawn inward that I felt only half conscious.  I don't know if this is the best way to do the final stage of labor, but to me it felt like: buckle up and hold on! My body was doing it's thing and I tried my hardest to breathe and focus and to just live through each intense wave. They wheeled the bed over to the regular labor and delivery side and into the first room they came to. I was laying on my left side - I've always been a side-lier. It is a comforting position. Eric sat next to my head to comfort and tend to anything I might need. And Stephanie was at my feet watching and waiting. My body pushed again and Stephanie said, "Good job - I saw her head. You're almost done." Good! I just want to be done. This is taking everything I have and I don't know if I can keep doing it! Stephanie tells me I was calm, but in my head it felt like a storm was raging.

I blurrily registered nurses moving around in the background and then the same doctor from before, Dr. V. walked in the room. At the time I didn't know it, but Stephanie told me later that he told her he respected our relationship and motioned for her to continue her role as my midwife. That is pretty incredible. I will be forever grateful for his respect and sensitivity.

It must be recorded, though, that Dr. V did walk up to me and started to glove up and turn on lights above me to "check my progress". :) One thing I love about Stephanie is that both she and I are on the same page about the absolute unnecessity and potential harm of cervical checks during pregnancy and labor. And at this point, when I knew and Stephanie knew that I was fully dilated and pushing (for Pete's sake!) and minutes away from having a baby earthside, the thought of him "checking" me for progress was downright laughable. Plus, he was invading my sacred laboring space with those darn lights!

I surfaced long enough to say briskly, "I don't want those lights on." (Again, who was that?! Certainly not me! I'm never that direct! Sheesh - labor!)

Dr. V started to explain that he was going to "check" me to "see where things were at"  and I spoke up some more:

"Don't touch me!"

I think Stephanie started to tell him that she had seen Kate's head and went off with some other medical lingo about stations or something. Being the good-natured soul that he was, Dr. V accepted that and the lights were flipped off and he walked away.

A few more pushes came and the doctors and nurses had faded into the background, they were standing silently against the back wall. Although I have some big issues with the hospital, in general, that I was at and how they are handling things, I just don't have enough good things to say about Dr. V and the nursing staff that night. They were so incredibly sensitive and flexible. Truly care-giving and not just protocol zombies. They understood that Stephanie was my dear and trusted midwife, I was her client, and that I wanted a home birth, but things outside of my control had landed me in their bed and I didn't want to be there. Huge props and many, many thanks to them.

It was just me and Eric and Stephanie. Inside of me, I felt out of control, but in the room it was peaceful and dim. Just the sound of me moaning quietly when a push came and Stephanie giving me feedback, "Nice, easy push..... perfect."

"Tell me when you feel a burning sensation."

"Relax."

A few moments later came a big push and lots of burning, "Fire!" I gasped out.

"That's alright. Okay, relax. Remember your breathing." I had tensed up and squeezed everything together. Stephanie talked me though that, so I could loosen up enough to not fight against the push and let Kate come out.

Kate's head was out! "Her head is out. I see her face. She's beautiful!" Stephanie said. "That's just me - I'm wiping off her head. That's me touching your baby."

I felt extremely uncomfortable with three quarters of a baby inside me and just a little bit out. The burning had stopped, but it still was painful. It was oddly quiet as we waited for another push to come. No baby cries or bustling about. But it was peaceful. One more push and Kate slipped all the way out and into Stephanie's capable, loving hands. And oh, the relief!! Before when we were "planning" Kate's birth, Eric and I weren't sure if he'd catch her or Stephanie would - we didn't really have strong feelings about it and said we'd just wait and see how things were going. But in that moment, everything happened perfectly. Eric by my side and Stephanie catching our baby. Kate was born in peace and sacredness. The spirit was so strong.

Stephanie immediately lifted Kate up to me, "Here she is!"

I was caught between a sob and a smile as I reached for her, and I choked out in simultaneous wonder and sadness, "Oh! Beautiful girl!..... Perfect baby." And she was - absolutely lovely and perfect in every way. Chubby all over, full cheeks and lips like her sisters, a head full of dark hair and just beautiful. This little girl I had loved and anticipated for so long. She looked like she was sleeping - her eyes were closed and she was so very peaceful. It is just near impossible to communicate - how things were that night. She was very obviously recently gone. She had so much life to her still when she came out - it was such a blessing. And the spirit in the room as we held her and got to meet her was just amazing. It is one of the most tender, special, indescribable experiences I've ever had.

As I look at these pictures.... ah! I wish everyone could just understand what it was like that night. It was such a gift. The difference between these pictures from the night she was born and the pictures from even the next morning is amazing. Although she was gone when she was born, she was so present with us. I believe her spirit was close by us in those moments. It really was such a sacred experience. Beyond words.

Look at those pouty little lips!!! Melts my heart. She looks just like Elena and Lily did as babies. I have a tender spot for those little lips and full cheeks. They are just delightful.

Stephanie asked if I wanted to hold her skin to skin and I was very eager to. I'm so glad she thought of it. We got to do that for a while and it was very special. 

This is the other sight that melts my heart - Eric with his babies.

Perfect fingers and all that glorious chub. :)

Stephanie and Kate

Crystal and Kate

Kate Nicole Hoffman

Well, what else is there to say? We arrived at the hospital at 7:50 pm. I'm not sure at what point we finished the ultrasound, but Kate was born at 8:55 pm. It was a whirlwind! I think it was around 10 hours total of labor, but the whole transition/pushing phase went by in a blink. Crazy! And I just have to shout out - I freaking did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had my beautiful, natural childbirth and I did it! I remain so proud of that. And so grateful to the Lord for the beautiful gift I was given at being able to have that birth experience. Many times that night and throughout the succeeding days, I was overcome with what a tender blessing it was that even though one of our worst nightmares came true, that I was still able to have such a beautiful birthing experience that I could rejoice in. God is good. I had hoped and dreamed and planned and prepared for so long and I actually did it. It was incredibly difficult at times, but mostly beautiful and amazing. I came out of it feeling so stoked and proud and pumped and empowered. It still amazes me - I did that. And as Stephanie says: I got my home birth - we just had to borrow a bed from the hospital at the end. It's true. It was a beautiful experience - peaceful and cozy and intimate just like I imagined.

We spent about two hours holding and loving on Kate. We opened her eyes and she had delightful blue eyes with just a tinge of brown around them. Her hair was considerably darker and there was more of it than with Elena or Lily. I wonder what color her eyes would have turned out like - piercing blue like Elena's or blue that faded to brownish-grey like Lily's? She definitely had the same cheeks and lips as Elena and Lily. And she had very long toes and fingers. The pictures don't do them justice! And mostly, she was just incredibly perfect. Upon examination, there was nothing wrong with her, her cord, her placenta, anything. I'm going to steal Stephanie's words again because I'm running out of my own: 

"There was no reason Kate died. That’s the hardest part for most people to accept – there must be a reason, an explanation. No, the cord wasn’t wrapped around her neck, no there was no traumatic event, no there was nothing wrong with her. She was perfect. The only way that I’ve been able to get someone to understand and accept the circumstance of her death is this – it was SIDS, just before birth. There was nothing anyone did to cause it, and there was nothing anyone could have done to prevented it.

That thought is terrifying to a lot of parents – but so is SIDS. This is why we must appreciate and love and cherish our children each moment they are in our lives!!"

Eric and I have both strongly felt that there was absolutely nothing we did to cause Kate's death and there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. Like, we've had incredibly strong spiritual promptings about that. It was simply not the Lord's plan for her to live a long life on earth with us. We feel that strongly. He knows us, He knows Kate, and He had a plan for her all along. It has been difficult because that plan was different than ours. But we are working on listening to His whisperings and trusting Him. It actually amazes me to think about the promptings the Lord gave me about Kate's destiny throughout my pregnancy. To think that He was so intimately involved in my life! It's amazing to me. And that He loves me so tenderly, that among the billions upon billions of children He has, He took the time to strive with me and teach me and prepare me. So tender and incredible. Since Kate was born, we have had some pretty amazing spiritual experiences about Kate and what she is doing now. We are so grateful for the sealing ordinances of the temple and for eternal families. It is such a comfort to us. We know we will see her again and we will be able to raise her as our daughter. How I long for that day when my family is all together again.

When we were ready to go, we handed Kate to one of the kind nurses who said fervently,  "We will take good care of her for you." We completed the discharge paperwork and were on our way quickly with an invitation to come back in the morning with Elena and Lily and to spend as much time as we wanted with Kate. I mostly felt exhausted and drained and numb as we left. It was excruciating to leave without Kate. I was also so tired and ached to take a shower and be in my own home.

Stephanie and Crystal followed us home to help with clean-up. (They are amazing!) I escaped to the shower where I sat on the floor and sobbed and dealt with after-pains. And Eric, Stephanie, and Crystal deflated the birth tub, put away the food, and hid other birth supplies we had out. Stephanie and Crystal said goodbye and Stephanie left with a promise to come back the next day with a rhogam shot, if it was needed. Eric and I went to bed soon after. We laid there fruitlessly wide awake in the dark for a half hour or so until I spoke up,

"I can't sleep. Can you?"

"No."

"My thoughts aren't going anywhere pretty. Do you want to go turn on a movie?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

So, he made me a chux bed on the couch and laid out blankets on the floor for himself and we turned on Cool Runnings. It was nice to have something light-hearted to check out with. I think we both desperately needed the distraction to fuel a protective layer of denial. Around 2am, and just before the end of the movie, I finally drifted off. But I was up again at about 5 am with after-pains and an aching heart. So, I grabbed a few ibuprofen and restarted the movie. Eric woke up soon after and we half watched and half talked until Kristi brought Elena and Lily back over for us to break the news to. More on that in another post.

It's six months since our beautiful Kate was born. Things are slowly progressing. I know we are climbing up and out of it. I was frustrated with myself for a long time about the way I felt or not being able to "get over it". But I've learned that I won't ever get over it. And that's ok. How could we expect to get over the life and death of one of our children? We will find balance again and continue on with life - with hope and faith and continued striving to live worthy to be together again.

Happy Birthday Kate. We are so glad you are ours.  

Kate's Birthday, part 1

About four weeks ago, I started writing about our sweet Kate's birthday. It's taken me a while to get it all out, but tonight I finally was able to finish it. It was such a beautiful day. Sacred, peaceful, fun, near-perfect, exciting, and then tragic and heartbreaking, but when all was said and done - mostly just beautiful and sacred. I am so grateful those are the overwhelming memories from that day. The Lord truly was with us every step of the way and granted us so many tender mercies. 

I sat for a long time this afternoon re-looking at the pictures from the day she was born (those pictures are in part 2 of her birth story since it was getting really long). I treasure those pictures SO much. And that's an understatement. Sometimes when I really get looking at them and thinking about things, my heart aches and tears start to flow and I wish so badly I could crawl back into those pictures and be there and hold my baby girl again and snuggle her skin to skin and rub her fuzzy head. She was so perfect - warm and chubby and round and perfectly formed. Pouty little lips and blueish brown eyes and long toes and squishy arms and cheeks. I'd just stay there and hold her forever. I know - even more than I knew six weeks ago when she was born- that I will get to hold her again someday and be her mother. But darn it, if I don't just have my "human" moments and really, really miss my sweet baby and literally ache to have her here with me now.

There were just a few of us there the night Kate was born - who saw her so new and so perfect and so obviously recently departed. She was so real. Maybe that sounds like a funny thing to say, but for me who carried her for 9+ months and was so intimately connected with her - feeling her hiccups after I ate a big meal, knowing the exact little "nook" in my right ribs where she liked to rest her feet, smiling at her personality when we'd chase her around my tummy for someone other than me to feel her movements and she'd hide, knowing that every night she'd wake up between midnight and stay awake til two in the morning kicking and turning and rolling and squirming- for me she was so real and so close to joining us here and my very real and beloved daughter. And the few of us who spent time with her the night she was born saw her in a way that no one else here on earth got to. Besides the fact that they remind me of such a special event, that's a big part of the reason why I treasure these pictures so much - because they let other people see a little bit of what we saw. I have a big fear that people will forget Kate or write her off - like she was "just a stillborn baby" or that she somehow wasn't real because she never took a breath - that they'll discount everything that happened. I desperately wish I could have everyone see and feel what I have and to love her like I have. Kate is our dear daughter. We have three children now - one is just back home already. I know Kate is busy doing the Lord's work on the other side of the veil and that brings me a lot of peace. But I long for the day when we will all be together again. It sure is hard not to get to hold and kiss and love on a baby as cute as her. :)

But now, on to Kate's birth story. 

So, really, I need to back up a few days before her actual birthday. My friend, Tara, had been visiting on Friday before Kate was born and she asked our girls when they thought baby sister was going to come. Elena shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know." And Lily said out of nowhere, "Sunday!" I had a good laugh at that with Eric later because Sunday was the day we had been joking about Kate being born since I would be 37 weeks and 5 days - exactly when I went into labor with Lily. But we hadn't told the girls that, so Lily's random choice of Sunday was pretty interesting. Then, that same night, I had a dream that we went to church on Sunday and I was having contractions and then later that night I had bloody show and the baby was coming. Odd. And cool. I mentioned those things to Eric and wondered if there wasn't going to be something to that day.

Then Sunday, August 4th, I woke up and got out of bed successfully without my water breaking. 

"Guess it's not going to be just like Lily's, Babe." I smiled. (You may remember that on Lily's birthday, I sat up in bed to get up for the day and my water broke.) 

We went though our morning, got to church, and were happily situated in Sunday School (about 10:30 a.m. or so- the second hour of the three hour block) when my contractions changed and I started to take notice. I had been having contractions pretty consistently for quite a while - since like 30 weeks. My body likes to practice, I guess. So, I was used to them, but if we're being straight up - a contraction always makes you stop and take notice and wonder if the next one will go somewhere. At least that's how they go in my mind. :) But these contractions at the end of Sunday School were different. Previous contractions were erratic and usually lasted for a decent amount of time. These new contractions were so precise and clipped and rhythmic, they caught me off guard with their shortness and predictability. But I didn't want to be the girl who cried labor, so I kept my little secret to myself with a smile and the first twinges of excitement. I can't tell you much about what we talked about the next hour in Relief Society because I was mostly focused on mentally tracking the pattern of the contractions - they kept coming! Short and regular - like clockwork. Very different from anything I'd felt in the preceding months. I'd been doing so much over the last few years to try and be prepared - technically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually- for my first go at natural childbirth and anticipating the day with no small amount of excitement (I may have become a bit of a childbirth junkie...) that I was thrilled it might FINALLY be time! I walked out of Relief Society with my sister-in-law, Kristi, and she asked me a few questions trying to firm up our dinner plans for that evening. I decided to spill the maybe beans after an hour and a half of the same contractions.

"Well, I wasn't sure whether to say anything, but I've been having regular contractions for the last hour and a half. So let's change dinner to a tentative yes and we'll keep you posted!" We squealed together like excited little girls and parted ways. 

Then I went and found Eric and casually mentioned that I'd been having regular, different contractions for the better part of church. As soon as we got buckled into the car, we busted out the contraction timing app on our iPod (so cliche, I know... but seriously, that thing was handy! And it was fun to watch, too.) and realized that contractions were coming about every five or six minutes apart on average. Every once in a while one would space out to more like nine or ten minutes apart and so I wasn't ready to believe I was really on the labor train quite yet. But we kept timing and talked excitedly and munched on lunch. After we had been home for about half an hour, I went to use the bathroom and when I wiped I saw what looked like bloody show! (How often in life do you write those words and then put an exclamation mark after them? :)) Which was super exciting because 1. I'd never had it before with either Elena or Lily, 2. I knew from the many birth stories I'd read and some reading I'd done earlier in the week that bloody show means a baby is almost positively coming in the next 24-48 hours and that it's a pretty dependable sign of real labor starting, and 3. that's how it went in my dream from a few nights before!

"Eric!" I called out excitedly. "We are definitely having a baby!"

"We are? Awesome! What happened?" he answered back.

"I had bloody show! This is really baby time!" We were so freaking excited. Both of us had been preparing for this birth - our first natural birth at home- for quite a while and had invested a lot. We'd had many lengthy discussions, read books, practiced Hypnobabies scripts, toured birthing facilities and interviewed midwives, scoured the aisles of Home Depot for a faucet adapter for the hose for the birth pool, debated our philosophies on optional medical procedures, prayed lots, made and checked off several lists as we rounded up birth supplies, and so on. As one of my friends put it, it was like the end of the semester in college and we'd done all the work, studied like crazy, and were antsy to rock the final exam. Except I don't know if I ever really felt that prepared when it came time to take a final - haha! But I did feel prepared to rock labor and giving birth. Back when I was still pregnant, I was planning on writing a whole post just on homebirth and how I had developed the desire to birth at home - why I felt it was the best option for this particular birth and baby, how I have come to understand that birth (in the vast majority of cases) is a natural, safe, beautiful process that women's bodies are made perfectly to do and that I am strong and have an amazing body, and just spout off about my deep yearning for a beautiful home birth with my husband and amazing midwife at my side. Just because it's been quite a 360 degree turn around from the Briana who used to give birth in a hospital, with a tonnage of interventions, and asked for an epidural without a second thought. :) But... life got hard and I don't have it in me to write all of that right now. So, you'll just have to content yourself with knowing that this was the right decision for us for this baby and that we were really excited about it. Me especially (Eric was a little worried about my pain, but wanted to support me). It is a subject that has been so tender and dear to my heart, I just don't know how to express it. (If you want some good reading on the subject though, my midwife has an awesome blog which basically is my thoughts on the subject.)

Anyways, so steady contractions, bloody show - officially baby time! When we first got home, Eric had asked me if I thought we should text Stephanie, my midwife, and give her a heads up. Again, not wanting to be the girl who cried labor, I said I wanted to wait to make sure things were happening. Now that we had two good labor signs, Eric suggested again that we just let Stephanie know and so we dispatched a text a little after 1pm.

"Just want to give you a heads up - contractions 5-6 mins apart since 10:30 this morning, just had bloody show. Nothing too intense yet, but they definitely feel different." 

And she replied: "Super!! Thx for letting me know!! Keep me updated!"

We had arranged for Elena and Lily to stay with Danny and Kristi (Eric's brother and his wife who moved in around the corner from us) once things got intense at home. We gave them a heads up that things were really happening and then I decided that I wanted to pick up a bit, start a load of dishes, pack the girls' overnight bag, blow up the birthing tub and otherwise get everything ready and in place. That way we could sit back and enjoy things and focus on contractions when we needed to without me freaking out in my head that there were things around the house that needed to be done. :) The contractions were steady, but very workable at that point. I was vacuuming and straightening up throughout them. When one started I'd tell Eric, "Contraction" and he'd hit the start button on the contraction timing app and when it finished I'd signal to him (or forget and he'd ask if it was over :)) and then we'd keep doing our thing until the next one came.

I changed into more comfy laboring clothes and then remembered that I had been wanting to get one last end of pregnancy belly picture:

37 weeks, 5 days - end of the line!

Ready to rock!

Eric being silly while blowing up the birth tub:

.

An hour later, we were done with our preparations and enjoying some quiet time sitting on the couch talking while the girls had quiet time in their room. We had turned on my rain tracks (I love the sound of rain and wanted that for relaxing background "music" during labor), dimmed the lighting a bit, and were just enjoying the lovely afternoon, steeped in happy anticipation. The contractions had gotten a little more frequent and were lasting around 45 seconds on average. I really wasn't sure how fast things would go. I didn't want to call the midwives (Stephanie and her student midwife, Crystal - one to focus on me and one to focus on the baby) over too soon. Eric and I were enjoying our quiet time laboring together and I didn't want Stephanie and Crystal to have to just sit around if it really was going to be a while. But I also didn't want to have things go super fast and get surprised and be unprepared. One of the things that is so fantastic about Stephanie is that she is as hands-off or as hands-on as you want her to be and she really respects your wishes. She was willing to help as much as I wanted and also totally willing to stay home until I said we were ready for her. At 2:18, I texted Stephanie:

"Just fyi, contractions are about 4-5 mins apart right now. Not too intense."

"Perfect... keep me updated."

We seized the quiet, peaceful time to have Eric give me a blessing for labor and delivery. It was beautiful and strengthening to my mind, body, and spirit as I thought about the day ahead. Then we puttered around the house - ate a little snack, texted family and friends to let them know it was baby day, talked to Kristi for a bit when she stopped by to give us some things, and organized a few more things. It was lovely. There was a calm, joyous, sacred feeling in the air. Just what I had imagined it would be like - us in our comfy, safe home doing whatever we wanted. It really was appropriate that we had our first homebirth on a Sunday afternoon. I'm quite a homebody at heart and one of my favorite times of the whole week is Sunday afternoon when things are quiet and slow and we're tucked in our little house together as a family. It was idyllic.

During that time - about four and a half hours into labor- things really progressed. The frequency of contractions was down to a little under four minutes between contractions on average, with each lasting between a minute to a minute and a half roughly. The contractions had become more intense - definitely manageable, but I needed to stop and focus more until they finished peaking. I'd close my eyes and focus on my breathing and relaxing the middle part of my body, sometimes leaning against the counter, Eric, the table, back of the couch - whatever was handy at the time. When each contraction finished, I felt really good and could get back to whatever I was in the middle of when they started. Such a difference from being confined on my side in a hospital bed! Contractions weren't so bad when you could do what your body wanted to do to work with them! At 3:45 p.m., I texted Stephanie:

"Just an update - things are still consistent. So we're at 4.5 hours total, just about 4 mins or less in frequency. Last hour has been slightly more intense contractions - needing to focus more until they finish peaking. Still talking and laughing in between though. Just wanted to keep you informed. :)"

And she sent back: "Can I do anything for you?"

And then things amped up even more. I didn't respond immediately because my contractions intensified. They had a much sharper edge to them at the beginning which demanded my attention right from the start. I definitely had to stop and focus through them. About ten minutes after the message I'd sent, Eric updated me with the stats from the contraction app. They had officially gotten down to three minutes between contractions. (I had no sense of time. Contractions happened and then they ended and I just existed and did what I needed to.) That seemed like a lot of progress for an hour and a half! I still felt ok and was really enjoying the way things were going at home, but I was wondering at what point I needed to ask Stephanie to come over, so she'd get to us in enough time. I was a little confused since I felt just fine in between contractions. So, I figured we still had some time to go, but I decided that my last update sounded too mild:

"I'm doing ok right now. Just not sure how fast things will go. :) looks like frequency is down more in the 3 minute range. Definitely getting my attention when they start. But I feel great in between."

She responded back: "Trust what you feel DURING, not between... You are likely to feel fine in between all the way up near pushing.. But it's the intensity of the contraction when it happens that you need to pay attention to... If you aren't able to talk during, or if you find that you are actually employing a coping technique, then that is notable." 3:53 pm

Aha! Excellent to know. I was definitely employing coping techniques - closing my eyes, focusing in, trying to relax my whole body, and breathing deeply. At this point, I was laying in bed trying to get off my feet and rest a bit. The room was dark and cool and our bed felt cozy - I could keep going like this for now. I decided that with this new knowledge, I'd wait a while longer and see how things felt. As I lay there, it passed through my mind that I hadn't felt Kate move for a while. Was this typical during labor - you're so focused on contractions, you miss baby movements? I couldn't remember from my past labors. I thought to myself about how crazy it is how time dims even the "big" life moments. And then I tried to focus in on what I was feeling a bit more as I recounted the times I'd definitely felt her move. ...Mayyyybe once at the beginning of Sunday School that morning - more of one of her big stretches and then done, rather than a serious of movements. Could have been a braxton hicks contraction rather than her actually moving... Hmmm... And then the time before that... would have been... last night as I was laying in bed. She was very active - hiccups, kicks, rolls, etc. Hmmm... that doesn't seem like much for all that time. Is this normal for labor?

"Ok, good to know [responding to the guidance about what I'm feeling during contractions]. I'm employing coping techniques, but feel ok. I haven't really felt the baby move much today - is that normal during labor?" 4:10 p.m.

"So what do you need? Are you wanting us to come or wait for a bit more?" 4:13 pm

We talked about it and I said I'd like to wait a bit longer - seemed like everything sounded pretty normal. "I think I'm good for now. I'll let you know when things seem like they're getting closer and we are ready for you to come."

"You got it!" 4:17pm

The next hour and a half was beautiful. Only dim light filtering through the blinds illuminated our room, the rain tracks trickled on in the background, and the fan kept a light breeze directed at us. It was just cozy feeling enough to want to be tucked under the covers- even in August in Arizona!. There's nothing like being tucked in the covers when it feels and sounds like a rainstorm is coming down outside! We lay there together, alternating between snuggling and looking at each other, holding hands in our carefully prepared, safe nest of a bedroom. And then we did one of my favorite "us" past times - we talked and talked and talked. One of the first things both Eric and I noted loving about each other way back when we were first dating was our ability to talk for hours easily and comfortably. That's one of the ways I knew we would be good companions. I'd never talked like that with anyone in my life. And as we lay there laboring our third child into the world, we talked. About what was coming, about how awesome having a baby at home was, and anything else that came to mind. I'd pause for a contraction, closing my eyes and breathing deep and he'd time them, and then we'd resume our conversation. Sometimes we'd take a break to text people with updates on how things were going. Other times, Eric would go into the kitchen and return with ice water or a snack to offer me. I love my husband. He is so sensitive and thoughtful. He always knows how to read the moment and makes me feel so safe and loved. With him I feel like I can do anything.

Towards the end of that hour and a half, I noticed that my contractions had slowed a bit to more like five minutes apart. Hmmm... were things stalling out? I had read countless birth stories where it seemed like labor was starting only to stop (especially when laying down like I had been doing for the last little while) and go on hold for a few days. Darn it.... that would be so disappointing. We were all geared up and ready to have our baby! I started to waver and wonder if this was the real thing after all. I got up to use the bathroom and worked through a contraction or two on the toilet, still wondering. But then, I wiped and got more bloody show! Blessed sight! :) My confidence was restored; more bloody show and continued contractions - this baby really was coming! I reported my findings to Eric and told him I'd like to move around a bit and maybe change locations and think about dinner.

We went out to the living room/kitchen and about this time (5:45ish) the girls woke up and came out of their room. Once I was on my feet again, the contractions picked up in earnest and started coming closer together. The sharp edge up until they peaked was also intensifying and I was needing to go deeper inside of myself and concentrate to get through each one. We were approaching the point I had predetermined to have Danny and Kristi take the girls until after Kate was born - when their presence started setting me on edge and distracting me during contractions. After a few more of these intense contractions, Eric could see it was only uphill from here and that it would be a good time for goodbyes and clearing our space. I didn't think it was too bad and I wasn't quite ready for them to go (I didn't want to send the girls too early in case we still had a while to go). But thankfully, Eric knows me just as well - or maybe sometimes better- than I know myself. And he also had a level, non-contracting head. :) He gently, but firmly suggested it was a good time- Danny and Kristi could drop off dinner for us, take care of feeding the girls, and we could concentrate as we needed to. I agreed, he called, and Kristi said she'd be over in just a few minutes.

As soon as we'd gotten home from church and told Elena and Lily the baby was coming, they had excitedly started packing Elena's little princess backpack full of pajamas and clothes. :) So they were already set to go. We brought their bag and blankets to the front room and I gathered them in for a hug goodbye. I was surprised as tears jumped to my eyes as I talked them through what was happening and told them that, most likely, in the morning Kristi would bring them back over to meet their little sister. They were only going around the corner to stay the night, after all! But this was another moment I'd been tenderly thinking of for months - the last as our dear, snug little family of four. We'd been through so much together as a brave little foursome and I'd been more happy and content than I ever thought I could be. I always have at least a little bit of an aversion to change- even when it's joyous change. I held Lily extra long and fought back tears as I tried to soak in her last moments as "my baby". She'd filled that role for so long  - even though she was well on her way towards the "4" side of three and a half, I still considered her my little baby. I'd thanked Heavenly Father many times before for the odd mercy of her being pint sized for so long and seeming younger than she really was since our life's circumstances had pushed back having another baby as soon as we might have liked otherwise.

Soon Kristi arrived and we swapped our kids for the dinner she brought (saints, they are, I tell you!) and we sent the girls into her and Danny's capable, loving care for the evening. Contractions were continuing steady and insistent. Immediately I was glad Eric had pushed for the girls to go. He was right - they'd have more fun elsewhere and we'd be better able to concentrate. We sat down and ate for a few minutes. It felt good to get a little something in my stomach to take on what was coming. And poor Eric - I had completely forgotten that it was Fast Sunday and that he hadn't eaten all day! He was famished and hadn't said a word to remind me. I think he was doubly grateful for the break and the food! :)

After eating, I wanted to try resting some more and see how contractions while laying down felt at that point, so we headed back into our room. We turned on a lamp which let off just enough soft light, so we could see without it being intrusive. I told Eric that I'd like to read my Scriptures and Thoughts for Labor paper that I'd made for myself. It was a compilation of inspiring, strengthening scriptures, quotes from The Gift of Giving Life (a book about the spiritual nature of childbirth that I LOVED in preparation for giving birth),and some of my own thoughts I'd picked up along the way as I learned about and prepared for natural childbirth. We lay there facing each other and he read to me. At first he paused when a contraction came, wanting to give me space to work through it. But hearing the scriptures and affirmations I'd chosen was simultaneously empowering and a good distraction for me and I asked him to keep reading through contractions. Since I'd laid down again, they'd spaced back out to about five minutes apart, but the intensity was continuing to build. The contractions now felt like waves washing over me. Big, strong, powerful waves.

"Maybe bigger than me?" The thought darted into my head through a contraction or two and I remember saying to Eric simply, "These feel really big - almost bigger than me." It sounded simple, but it was a profound admittance when uttered aloud. That was to be the theme of labor and birth - I didn't say a ton when I was deep in it, but when I did speak they were almost ridiculously simple sounding phrases to everyone else, but were telling volumes in my mind. To an outsider it sounded like a basic observation, to me it sounded like I was spilling the intimate and involved details of my universe. Eric nodded reassuringly and I talked to myself to stay grounded. "The contractions may be big, but you are bigger. Take them one at a time. You are strong."

At 6:24 pm, my phone chimed with a message from Stephanie. "Can I get a quick update?" I was surprised how much time had passed since we'd last talked. I'd totally lost track of time in the intensity of everything. I was in no mood for communicating - the contractions were taking a lot of my resources. Although I felt alright in between, they were totally consuming when they came. In between contractions, I read the message aloud to Eric and he said, "I think we should tell her to come."

"No, not yet. I'm alright and I don't think they should come yet. I don't want them sitting around - I don't want to be the watched pot. I think it's too early still."

Eric insisted that he didn't think we were as far out as I thought we were. They could stay in the living room and we could stay in our room. They could at least just come check on things. He didn't want things to go so fast they couldn't get here in time.

"Is it okay if I call her and talk to her?"

I said ok and rolled over to focus on another contraction. He sat down by me and dialed her number. And here's where I have a good laugh at myself now that I'm looking back on this all in retrospect. Because I can remember reading a ton of birth stories where the wife is getting close and in a bit of denial about where she is and doesn't want the midwives coming over yet and the husband is getting uncomfortable with how close she is and does want them to come. And so he goes off in another room and secretly calls them over and it's usually just in the knick of time. :) I guess I'm pretty typical. :) Eric filled Stephanie in on where things were and she asked if we wanted her to come over.

"The jury is split on that," Eric answered.

"You want me to come?"

"Yes."

"Ask Briana if it would be okay with her if I come. Not if she wants me to come, but if it would be okay if I come."

I said that would be okay. Stephanie said she would head over - no rush or anything, but she would head this way. She'd start getting her things together and head over when she was ready and to give her a call if anything changed in the meantime. Well played by both of them. Those were the right words to appease me and make me feel happy about the plan. Eric was very cute and went into the kitchen to set out an array of food I had prepared for all of us to snack on when we moved the party out into the living room by the tub. It made me smile really big when I did finally walk out and see the spread - a bowl of fruit, plate of cookies, some chips, nuts, coconut oil popcorn, bottles of water. Sweet man.

After he finished those preparations, he rejoined me on our bed and read to me again from my Scriptures and Thoughts pages. I'll always treasure that time we spent together working through the contractions in our quiet space. We had a beautiful discussion about some of the scriptures we'd been reading and some of the spiritual impressions we'd had throughout the day. I felt so empowered and strengthened in the midst of the pain and intensity. It was such a blessing - my spirit felt invigorated which in turn invigorated my mind and body. Although I was having to dig deep during the contractions, I felt able to handle them and excited to keep moving forward and see how things would unfold. It had been the loveliest of afternoons. So peaceful and calm and safe and fun and exciting and happy and joyous. Everything I had hoped it would be. And to add to my joy, Eric was in total agreement - and happy amazement- about the awesomeness of it all. We were doing it - I was doing this! Soon, we would meet our little Kate!

So, there we were headed into the seven o'clock hour, about eight hours into labor, poised and ready to go. Twilight was touching down outside our windows and we were tucked cozily away in our house full of rain and dim light and the smell of berries coming from the kitchen. After all my weeks of stressing over having all the to-do lists checked off, there we were laboring away with a bassinet in our room, tiny clothes washed and folded, pantry stocked, birth kit and supplies in the corner, a stash of carefully selected comfy postpartum lounge-wear in the closet, birth pool blown up and standing-by in the living room, our bed double made, and fresh towels and miniature diapers eagerly waiting for a new little person to fill them. And to top it all off- the midwives actually coming to our house! This was really happening!

Continued in part 2...