Some thoughts for a Monday

I apologize for taking so darn long to recap about Elena's "Day of Hope". We came home and collapsed (in happy exhaustion) on Saturday evening, packed for the hospital on Sunday, started round 3 of chemo on Monday, got released on Thursday morning, headed back to the ED Thursday night with a fever, came home early Friday morning since her counts were high and the fever was gone, tried to sleep in unsuccessfully :), dropped off the kits on Friday afternoon, and finally headed back up to the hospital Sunday morning to get admitted for a fever and neutropenia (low counts). And somewhere in between, I have tried multiple times to unsuccessfully get the pictures from the "Day of Hope" on my computer. But for some reason, the pictures hate me and they won't do it. And now I'm at the hospital again with our old laptop that also hates me. So, probably no recap until we get released again. But then I'll get it up first thing - promise. It was an amazing day - I can't wait to share!

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On our way out of the hospital on Thursday morning, we ran into some cancer friends. Here is Elena with one of her little cancer friends, Erin (who is just about the cutest thing ever!). This picture makes my heart happy. What brave, strong, little cancer fighting cuties!

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This last round of chemo has been a lot tougher on Elena. She has been very nauseous and sick and just wiped out. This high dose chemo is finally catching up with her stomach of steel - poor girl. Only one more to go, thankfully. It'll get a little worse before it gets better, I think, but we'll just hang on to the fact that there is only one more of this particular treatment left.

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Tonight in the hospital, Elena and I were flipping through channels on the TV, looking for something she'd like to watch until the movies arrived from home. Earlier, in the ED, we watched the Kentucky vs. North Carolina Elite Eight game (can you believe these last few crazy upsets??? My bracket is totally blown! VCU??). After no success finding anything good to watch, Elena said,

"We could watch basketball again. We can see Jimmer!"

:)

Well unfortunately, we can't watch anymore Jimmer (not at BYU, at least.) But, what she said just makes my heart happy. Number one because she is so indoctrinated, it's hilarious. Number two because we - Elena included - have spent some pretty happy days at home over the last few years during the fall and winter watching BYU football and basketball together around our little computer, eating game day snacks. I love those quiet days spent together as a family. And I love that Elena has happy memories of these little family traditions.

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I feel like everything in life right now revolves around the hospital - meh. Sorry we're kind of boring and hit and miss on the blog right now. Hopefully this will all be done in a few weeks.

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I read a talk tonight by Joseph B. Wirthlin: "Come What May, and Love It". In it he says, "But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt...

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others."

How true this is! One of Eric's cousins told me once when we were talking about Elena and trials in life that she has learned that the Lord is serious about trying us in this life. At first that sounds so simple. But really, it's a pretty profound realization when you stop and really think about it. We will all have our trials in this life - they'll come in many different forms - but they will come. For all my life growing up - whenever I'd dream about my future - I'd think, "I just want a nice, quiet, happy life. No adventure for me, just health and peace and a happy family. Nothing bad happening - that's all I want in life." That desire intensified even more when I got married and had a family and my happiness - my life - became deeply connected to three other people walking around carrying pieces of my heart outside of my body. The three people who I literally ache for when I think about anything but peace and happiness coming to. Now I wish even more for a quiet, bump-free life.

But that's not the point of life, I'm learning! I wanted something that isn't possible. The Lord is serious about trying us in this life. That is a huge part of the plan. That's the reason we're here - to experience things, to feel joy beyond compare and intense pain, to grow and learn and become the people that we need to be. So, we will be tried in one way or another.

Lately, I've been feeling very humbled by Elena's cancer. It has brought me to my knees and made me realize that I really have no control over things. At any moment of any day something could rock my world and change it in an instant. It makes me crazy with worry and fear to think over the future - "Will Elena relapse?", "Will she be able to have kids when she grows up or has the chemo blown that opportunity?", "How long will she really be with us?", etc, etc. I had just always assumed that Elena would grow into adulthood and that she would be able to have kids. Not that she won't. But I had just assumed it - taken it for granted before. Just this last week, I heard about a young man who after beating his first cancer when he was younger, was recently diagnosed with an aggressive second cancer (most likely a side effect of the chemo used to beat his first cancer. How about that - a side effect of chemo is cancer!) that they have not been able to bring into remission. Please pray for Tanner.

The worry about the unknown of the future really does make you crazy. I mean, really nobody knows what the future will hold. But, it's just so much more in the forefront once you have a big trial that slaps you across the face and really shows you how much you don't have control over things.

I really took comfort in these words from the talk:

"Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others...

...The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."

No matter how things turn out, I know that I will see those I love again. I'm so grateful for the sealing power and for temples! If I live worthily, my family is eternal. What a blessing that we are sealed together forever! Heavenly Father is so merciful and good.

I also take great comfort in knowing that while I and the doctors and anyone else may not have all the answers that the Lord knows Elena and knows perfectly how to help Elena. When I keep these things in mind, I have nothing to fear.