Not what I had intended...

I thought it was time to lighten the mood up a bit here (leave cancer behind for a bit and talk about something else) and had everything all planned out to post about a very silly little lady here at our house, also known as Lily. She is coming up on 15 months and full of all sorts of antics that keep Elena and I laughing out loud all day long (that is when Elena isn't frustrated by Lily turning off her show/taking her toy/trying to grab her food/etc. :)).

But last night a cancer fighting friend, who we've been rooming just a few doors down from at the hospital, lost her battle with AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). Kim was diagnosed with AML just after finishing high school. She reached remission, finished her treatments, and went off to college for a semester before finding that the AML had relapsed. She completed three rounds of treatment for the relapse before she got an infection and was not able to fight any longer (the doctor's think the last round of chemo COMPLETELY wiped out her bone marrow, so there was nothing left to fight with). My heart is broken for her family and I just can't get my mind off the loss of such a beautiful, brave girl. We only knew Kim through blogs, stories shared by other cancer moms, and brief hellos in the halls of ICS to her family, but her passing has really hit close to home. It's the first death in our tightknit little group of Utah Cancer families (of children with cancer) since we have joined the club. It seems unreal to have someone actually gone - you hear about the risk of the chemo being too much and entirely wiping out the bone marrow, you hear about the risk of cancer patients dying from infection, just last week, as we were discussing Elena's treatment plan, our doctor told us about how they would lose more patients if they didn't delay chemo sometimes (in order to let the body recover). You hear these things all the time, but they just become a part of your reality and you live (freaked out) and it settles down to somewhere just beyond the front of your mind - where it's far enough out that it's not what you think about every second of every day, but it's still close enough to the front that you are always worried. But now to know that all of it does happen - to feel the loss is pretty unreal. Please remember Kim's family in your prayers. What a very difficult time for them.

Another one of my cancer mom friends, Autumn, who is in the hospital with her baby with AML, Aubree, who is recovering from her bone marrow transplant, shared some beautiful thoughts after talking with Kim's mom the day that Kim went into a coma. I wanted to pass a few of them along:

"Today I left my room irritated by Aubree's nurse, and saw some of my friends in the hall. After talking to them I found out that one of my friend's daughters was not doing good. Earlier today she slipped into a coma, and the Dr's are doubtful that she will come out. Some of the moms had talked to my friend earlier and she asked if mothers with babies really know what they have?. And I had to think, even though I am going through hard times, my daughter is making it. She is winning the fight, do I know what I have? I have two healthy children, and the other is on her way to being healthy, do I know what a blessing they are to me? It kind of puts things into perspective for me. I am in my room having a pity part, and down the hall a daughter is losing her fight. The problems that I have are not big, I need to look for the good things in all people, in all the nurses, and spend my energy in good things, in enjoying my children."

"Do we know what we have?"

I was so struck by that. I feel like Autumn has every reason to throw herself a pity party - she's in the middle of a very hard time, with two kids at home, she and her husband both in school, stuck in a little room in the hospital for two months straight, and her little baby suffering through A LOT as she tries to recover from her transplant. And yet, she recognizes the suffering of a family making the ultimate sacrifice and how much she really does have.

I don't know about you, but I sure needed that perspective and that reminder. Yes, we're headed back to the hospital (again) next week for about the millionth time, but right now I am sitting here at home with my two girls - who are happy and getting healthy and going to make it and- most of all- are here with me. I have a lot.