Kate's Birthday, part 1

About four weeks ago, I started writing about our sweet Kate's birthday. It's taken me a while to get it all out, but tonight I finally was able to finish it. It was such a beautiful day. Sacred, peaceful, fun, near-perfect, exciting, and then tragic and heartbreaking, but when all was said and done - mostly just beautiful and sacred. I am so grateful those are the overwhelming memories from that day. The Lord truly was with us every step of the way and granted us so many tender mercies. 

I sat for a long time this afternoon re-looking at the pictures from the day she was born (those pictures are in part 2 of her birth story since it was getting really long). I treasure those pictures SO much. And that's an understatement. Sometimes when I really get looking at them and thinking about things, my heart aches and tears start to flow and I wish so badly I could crawl back into those pictures and be there and hold my baby girl again and snuggle her skin to skin and rub her fuzzy head. She was so perfect - warm and chubby and round and perfectly formed. Pouty little lips and blueish brown eyes and long toes and squishy arms and cheeks. I'd just stay there and hold her forever. I know - even more than I knew six weeks ago when she was born- that I will get to hold her again someday and be her mother. But darn it, if I don't just have my "human" moments and really, really miss my sweet baby and literally ache to have her here with me now.

There were just a few of us there the night Kate was born - who saw her so new and so perfect and so obviously recently departed. She was so real. Maybe that sounds like a funny thing to say, but for me who carried her for 9+ months and was so intimately connected with her - feeling her hiccups after I ate a big meal, knowing the exact little "nook" in my right ribs where she liked to rest her feet, smiling at her personality when we'd chase her around my tummy for someone other than me to feel her movements and she'd hide, knowing that every night she'd wake up between midnight and stay awake til two in the morning kicking and turning and rolling and squirming- for me she was so real and so close to joining us here and my very real and beloved daughter. And the few of us who spent time with her the night she was born saw her in a way that no one else here on earth got to. Besides the fact that they remind me of such a special event, that's a big part of the reason why I treasure these pictures so much - because they let other people see a little bit of what we saw. I have a big fear that people will forget Kate or write her off - like she was "just a stillborn baby" or that she somehow wasn't real because she never took a breath - that they'll discount everything that happened. I desperately wish I could have everyone see and feel what I have and to love her like I have. Kate is our dear daughter. We have three children now - one is just back home already. I know Kate is busy doing the Lord's work on the other side of the veil and that brings me a lot of peace. But I long for the day when we will all be together again. It sure is hard not to get to hold and kiss and love on a baby as cute as her. :)

But now, on to Kate's birth story. 

So, really, I need to back up a few days before her actual birthday. My friend, Tara, had been visiting on Friday before Kate was born and she asked our girls when they thought baby sister was going to come. Elena shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know." And Lily said out of nowhere, "Sunday!" I had a good laugh at that with Eric later because Sunday was the day we had been joking about Kate being born since I would be 37 weeks and 5 days - exactly when I went into labor with Lily. But we hadn't told the girls that, so Lily's random choice of Sunday was pretty interesting. Then, that same night, I had a dream that we went to church on Sunday and I was having contractions and then later that night I had bloody show and the baby was coming. Odd. And cool. I mentioned those things to Eric and wondered if there wasn't going to be something to that day.

Then Sunday, August 4th, I woke up and got out of bed successfully without my water breaking. 

"Guess it's not going to be just like Lily's, Babe." I smiled. (You may remember that on Lily's birthday, I sat up in bed to get up for the day and my water broke.) 

We went though our morning, got to church, and were happily situated in Sunday School (about 10:30 a.m. or so- the second hour of the three hour block) when my contractions changed and I started to take notice. I had been having contractions pretty consistently for quite a while - since like 30 weeks. My body likes to practice, I guess. So, I was used to them, but if we're being straight up - a contraction always makes you stop and take notice and wonder if the next one will go somewhere. At least that's how they go in my mind. :) But these contractions at the end of Sunday School were different. Previous contractions were erratic and usually lasted for a decent amount of time. These new contractions were so precise and clipped and rhythmic, they caught me off guard with their shortness and predictability. But I didn't want to be the girl who cried labor, so I kept my little secret to myself with a smile and the first twinges of excitement. I can't tell you much about what we talked about the next hour in Relief Society because I was mostly focused on mentally tracking the pattern of the contractions - they kept coming! Short and regular - like clockwork. Very different from anything I'd felt in the preceding months. I'd been doing so much over the last few years to try and be prepared - technically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually- for my first go at natural childbirth and anticipating the day with no small amount of excitement (I may have become a bit of a childbirth junkie...) that I was thrilled it might FINALLY be time! I walked out of Relief Society with my sister-in-law, Kristi, and she asked me a few questions trying to firm up our dinner plans for that evening. I decided to spill the maybe beans after an hour and a half of the same contractions.

"Well, I wasn't sure whether to say anything, but I've been having regular contractions for the last hour and a half. So let's change dinner to a tentative yes and we'll keep you posted!" We squealed together like excited little girls and parted ways. 

Then I went and found Eric and casually mentioned that I'd been having regular, different contractions for the better part of church. As soon as we got buckled into the car, we busted out the contraction timing app on our iPod (so cliche, I know... but seriously, that thing was handy! And it was fun to watch, too.) and realized that contractions were coming about every five or six minutes apart on average. Every once in a while one would space out to more like nine or ten minutes apart and so I wasn't ready to believe I was really on the labor train quite yet. But we kept timing and talked excitedly and munched on lunch. After we had been home for about half an hour, I went to use the bathroom and when I wiped I saw what looked like bloody show! (How often in life do you write those words and then put an exclamation mark after them? :)) Which was super exciting because 1. I'd never had it before with either Elena or Lily, 2. I knew from the many birth stories I'd read and some reading I'd done earlier in the week that bloody show means a baby is almost positively coming in the next 24-48 hours and that it's a pretty dependable sign of real labor starting, and 3. that's how it went in my dream from a few nights before!

"Eric!" I called out excitedly. "We are definitely having a baby!"

"We are? Awesome! What happened?" he answered back.

"I had bloody show! This is really baby time!" We were so freaking excited. Both of us had been preparing for this birth - our first natural birth at home- for quite a while and had invested a lot. We'd had many lengthy discussions, read books, practiced Hypnobabies scripts, toured birthing facilities and interviewed midwives, scoured the aisles of Home Depot for a faucet adapter for the hose for the birth pool, debated our philosophies on optional medical procedures, prayed lots, made and checked off several lists as we rounded up birth supplies, and so on. As one of my friends put it, it was like the end of the semester in college and we'd done all the work, studied like crazy, and were antsy to rock the final exam. Except I don't know if I ever really felt that prepared when it came time to take a final - haha! But I did feel prepared to rock labor and giving birth. Back when I was still pregnant, I was planning on writing a whole post just on homebirth and how I had developed the desire to birth at home - why I felt it was the best option for this particular birth and baby, how I have come to understand that birth (in the vast majority of cases) is a natural, safe, beautiful process that women's bodies are made perfectly to do and that I am strong and have an amazing body, and just spout off about my deep yearning for a beautiful home birth with my husband and amazing midwife at my side. Just because it's been quite a 360 degree turn around from the Briana who used to give birth in a hospital, with a tonnage of interventions, and asked for an epidural without a second thought. :) But... life got hard and I don't have it in me to write all of that right now. So, you'll just have to content yourself with knowing that this was the right decision for us for this baby and that we were really excited about it. Me especially (Eric was a little worried about my pain, but wanted to support me). It is a subject that has been so tender and dear to my heart, I just don't know how to express it. (If you want some good reading on the subject though, my midwife has an awesome blog which basically is my thoughts on the subject.)

Anyways, so steady contractions, bloody show - officially baby time! When we first got home, Eric had asked me if I thought we should text Stephanie, my midwife, and give her a heads up. Again, not wanting to be the girl who cried labor, I said I wanted to wait to make sure things were happening. Now that we had two good labor signs, Eric suggested again that we just let Stephanie know and so we dispatched a text a little after 1pm.

"Just want to give you a heads up - contractions 5-6 mins apart since 10:30 this morning, just had bloody show. Nothing too intense yet, but they definitely feel different." 

And she replied: "Super!! Thx for letting me know!! Keep me updated!"

We had arranged for Elena and Lily to stay with Danny and Kristi (Eric's brother and his wife who moved in around the corner from us) once things got intense at home. We gave them a heads up that things were really happening and then I decided that I wanted to pick up a bit, start a load of dishes, pack the girls' overnight bag, blow up the birthing tub and otherwise get everything ready and in place. That way we could sit back and enjoy things and focus on contractions when we needed to without me freaking out in my head that there were things around the house that needed to be done. :) The contractions were steady, but very workable at that point. I was vacuuming and straightening up throughout them. When one started I'd tell Eric, "Contraction" and he'd hit the start button on the contraction timing app and when it finished I'd signal to him (or forget and he'd ask if it was over :)) and then we'd keep doing our thing until the next one came.

I changed into more comfy laboring clothes and then remembered that I had been wanting to get one last end of pregnancy belly picture:

37 weeks, 5 days - end of the line!

Ready to rock!

Eric being silly while blowing up the birth tub:

.

An hour later, we were done with our preparations and enjoying some quiet time sitting on the couch talking while the girls had quiet time in their room. We had turned on my rain tracks (I love the sound of rain and wanted that for relaxing background "music" during labor), dimmed the lighting a bit, and were just enjoying the lovely afternoon, steeped in happy anticipation. The contractions had gotten a little more frequent and were lasting around 45 seconds on average. I really wasn't sure how fast things would go. I didn't want to call the midwives (Stephanie and her student midwife, Crystal - one to focus on me and one to focus on the baby) over too soon. Eric and I were enjoying our quiet time laboring together and I didn't want Stephanie and Crystal to have to just sit around if it really was going to be a while. But I also didn't want to have things go super fast and get surprised and be unprepared. One of the things that is so fantastic about Stephanie is that she is as hands-off or as hands-on as you want her to be and she really respects your wishes. She was willing to help as much as I wanted and also totally willing to stay home until I said we were ready for her. At 2:18, I texted Stephanie:

"Just fyi, contractions are about 4-5 mins apart right now. Not too intense."

"Perfect... keep me updated."

We seized the quiet, peaceful time to have Eric give me a blessing for labor and delivery. It was beautiful and strengthening to my mind, body, and spirit as I thought about the day ahead. Then we puttered around the house - ate a little snack, texted family and friends to let them know it was baby day, talked to Kristi for a bit when she stopped by to give us some things, and organized a few more things. It was lovely. There was a calm, joyous, sacred feeling in the air. Just what I had imagined it would be like - us in our comfy, safe home doing whatever we wanted. It really was appropriate that we had our first homebirth on a Sunday afternoon. I'm quite a homebody at heart and one of my favorite times of the whole week is Sunday afternoon when things are quiet and slow and we're tucked in our little house together as a family. It was idyllic.

During that time - about four and a half hours into labor- things really progressed. The frequency of contractions was down to a little under four minutes between contractions on average, with each lasting between a minute to a minute and a half roughly. The contractions had become more intense - definitely manageable, but I needed to stop and focus more until they finished peaking. I'd close my eyes and focus on my breathing and relaxing the middle part of my body, sometimes leaning against the counter, Eric, the table, back of the couch - whatever was handy at the time. When each contraction finished, I felt really good and could get back to whatever I was in the middle of when they started. Such a difference from being confined on my side in a hospital bed! Contractions weren't so bad when you could do what your body wanted to do to work with them! At 3:45 p.m., I texted Stephanie:

"Just an update - things are still consistent. So we're at 4.5 hours total, just about 4 mins or less in frequency. Last hour has been slightly more intense contractions - needing to focus more until they finish peaking. Still talking and laughing in between though. Just wanted to keep you informed. :)"

And she sent back: "Can I do anything for you?"

And then things amped up even more. I didn't respond immediately because my contractions intensified. They had a much sharper edge to them at the beginning which demanded my attention right from the start. I definitely had to stop and focus through them. About ten minutes after the message I'd sent, Eric updated me with the stats from the contraction app. They had officially gotten down to three minutes between contractions. (I had no sense of time. Contractions happened and then they ended and I just existed and did what I needed to.) That seemed like a lot of progress for an hour and a half! I still felt ok and was really enjoying the way things were going at home, but I was wondering at what point I needed to ask Stephanie to come over, so she'd get to us in enough time. I was a little confused since I felt just fine in between contractions. So, I figured we still had some time to go, but I decided that my last update sounded too mild:

"I'm doing ok right now. Just not sure how fast things will go. :) looks like frequency is down more in the 3 minute range. Definitely getting my attention when they start. But I feel great in between."

She responded back: "Trust what you feel DURING, not between... You are likely to feel fine in between all the way up near pushing.. But it's the intensity of the contraction when it happens that you need to pay attention to... If you aren't able to talk during, or if you find that you are actually employing a coping technique, then that is notable." 3:53 pm

Aha! Excellent to know. I was definitely employing coping techniques - closing my eyes, focusing in, trying to relax my whole body, and breathing deeply. At this point, I was laying in bed trying to get off my feet and rest a bit. The room was dark and cool and our bed felt cozy - I could keep going like this for now. I decided that with this new knowledge, I'd wait a while longer and see how things felt. As I lay there, it passed through my mind that I hadn't felt Kate move for a while. Was this typical during labor - you're so focused on contractions, you miss baby movements? I couldn't remember from my past labors. I thought to myself about how crazy it is how time dims even the "big" life moments. And then I tried to focus in on what I was feeling a bit more as I recounted the times I'd definitely felt her move. ...Mayyyybe once at the beginning of Sunday School that morning - more of one of her big stretches and then done, rather than a serious of movements. Could have been a braxton hicks contraction rather than her actually moving... Hmmm... And then the time before that... would have been... last night as I was laying in bed. She was very active - hiccups, kicks, rolls, etc. Hmmm... that doesn't seem like much for all that time. Is this normal for labor?

"Ok, good to know [responding to the guidance about what I'm feeling during contractions]. I'm employing coping techniques, but feel ok. I haven't really felt the baby move much today - is that normal during labor?" 4:10 p.m.

"So what do you need? Are you wanting us to come or wait for a bit more?" 4:13 pm

We talked about it and I said I'd like to wait a bit longer - seemed like everything sounded pretty normal. "I think I'm good for now. I'll let you know when things seem like they're getting closer and we are ready for you to come."

"You got it!" 4:17pm

The next hour and a half was beautiful. Only dim light filtering through the blinds illuminated our room, the rain tracks trickled on in the background, and the fan kept a light breeze directed at us. It was just cozy feeling enough to want to be tucked under the covers- even in August in Arizona!. There's nothing like being tucked in the covers when it feels and sounds like a rainstorm is coming down outside! We lay there together, alternating between snuggling and looking at each other, holding hands in our carefully prepared, safe nest of a bedroom. And then we did one of my favorite "us" past times - we talked and talked and talked. One of the first things both Eric and I noted loving about each other way back when we were first dating was our ability to talk for hours easily and comfortably. That's one of the ways I knew we would be good companions. I'd never talked like that with anyone in my life. And as we lay there laboring our third child into the world, we talked. About what was coming, about how awesome having a baby at home was, and anything else that came to mind. I'd pause for a contraction, closing my eyes and breathing deep and he'd time them, and then we'd resume our conversation. Sometimes we'd take a break to text people with updates on how things were going. Other times, Eric would go into the kitchen and return with ice water or a snack to offer me. I love my husband. He is so sensitive and thoughtful. He always knows how to read the moment and makes me feel so safe and loved. With him I feel like I can do anything.

Towards the end of that hour and a half, I noticed that my contractions had slowed a bit to more like five minutes apart. Hmmm... were things stalling out? I had read countless birth stories where it seemed like labor was starting only to stop (especially when laying down like I had been doing for the last little while) and go on hold for a few days. Darn it.... that would be so disappointing. We were all geared up and ready to have our baby! I started to waver and wonder if this was the real thing after all. I got up to use the bathroom and worked through a contraction or two on the toilet, still wondering. But then, I wiped and got more bloody show! Blessed sight! :) My confidence was restored; more bloody show and continued contractions - this baby really was coming! I reported my findings to Eric and told him I'd like to move around a bit and maybe change locations and think about dinner.

We went out to the living room/kitchen and about this time (5:45ish) the girls woke up and came out of their room. Once I was on my feet again, the contractions picked up in earnest and started coming closer together. The sharp edge up until they peaked was also intensifying and I was needing to go deeper inside of myself and concentrate to get through each one. We were approaching the point I had predetermined to have Danny and Kristi take the girls until after Kate was born - when their presence started setting me on edge and distracting me during contractions. After a few more of these intense contractions, Eric could see it was only uphill from here and that it would be a good time for goodbyes and clearing our space. I didn't think it was too bad and I wasn't quite ready for them to go (I didn't want to send the girls too early in case we still had a while to go). But thankfully, Eric knows me just as well - or maybe sometimes better- than I know myself. And he also had a level, non-contracting head. :) He gently, but firmly suggested it was a good time- Danny and Kristi could drop off dinner for us, take care of feeding the girls, and we could concentrate as we needed to. I agreed, he called, and Kristi said she'd be over in just a few minutes.

As soon as we'd gotten home from church and told Elena and Lily the baby was coming, they had excitedly started packing Elena's little princess backpack full of pajamas and clothes. :) So they were already set to go. We brought their bag and blankets to the front room and I gathered them in for a hug goodbye. I was surprised as tears jumped to my eyes as I talked them through what was happening and told them that, most likely, in the morning Kristi would bring them back over to meet their little sister. They were only going around the corner to stay the night, after all! But this was another moment I'd been tenderly thinking of for months - the last as our dear, snug little family of four. We'd been through so much together as a brave little foursome and I'd been more happy and content than I ever thought I could be. I always have at least a little bit of an aversion to change- even when it's joyous change. I held Lily extra long and fought back tears as I tried to soak in her last moments as "my baby". She'd filled that role for so long  - even though she was well on her way towards the "4" side of three and a half, I still considered her my little baby. I'd thanked Heavenly Father many times before for the odd mercy of her being pint sized for so long and seeming younger than she really was since our life's circumstances had pushed back having another baby as soon as we might have liked otherwise.

Soon Kristi arrived and we swapped our kids for the dinner she brought (saints, they are, I tell you!) and we sent the girls into her and Danny's capable, loving care for the evening. Contractions were continuing steady and insistent. Immediately I was glad Eric had pushed for the girls to go. He was right - they'd have more fun elsewhere and we'd be better able to concentrate. We sat down and ate for a few minutes. It felt good to get a little something in my stomach to take on what was coming. And poor Eric - I had completely forgotten that it was Fast Sunday and that he hadn't eaten all day! He was famished and hadn't said a word to remind me. I think he was doubly grateful for the break and the food! :)

After eating, I wanted to try resting some more and see how contractions while laying down felt at that point, so we headed back into our room. We turned on a lamp which let off just enough soft light, so we could see without it being intrusive. I told Eric that I'd like to read my Scriptures and Thoughts for Labor paper that I'd made for myself. It was a compilation of inspiring, strengthening scriptures, quotes from The Gift of Giving Life (a book about the spiritual nature of childbirth that I LOVED in preparation for giving birth),and some of my own thoughts I'd picked up along the way as I learned about and prepared for natural childbirth. We lay there facing each other and he read to me. At first he paused when a contraction came, wanting to give me space to work through it. But hearing the scriptures and affirmations I'd chosen was simultaneously empowering and a good distraction for me and I asked him to keep reading through contractions. Since I'd laid down again, they'd spaced back out to about five minutes apart, but the intensity was continuing to build. The contractions now felt like waves washing over me. Big, strong, powerful waves.

"Maybe bigger than me?" The thought darted into my head through a contraction or two and I remember saying to Eric simply, "These feel really big - almost bigger than me." It sounded simple, but it was a profound admittance when uttered aloud. That was to be the theme of labor and birth - I didn't say a ton when I was deep in it, but when I did speak they were almost ridiculously simple sounding phrases to everyone else, but were telling volumes in my mind. To an outsider it sounded like a basic observation, to me it sounded like I was spilling the intimate and involved details of my universe. Eric nodded reassuringly and I talked to myself to stay grounded. "The contractions may be big, but you are bigger. Take them one at a time. You are strong."

At 6:24 pm, my phone chimed with a message from Stephanie. "Can I get a quick update?" I was surprised how much time had passed since we'd last talked. I'd totally lost track of time in the intensity of everything. I was in no mood for communicating - the contractions were taking a lot of my resources. Although I felt alright in between, they were totally consuming when they came. In between contractions, I read the message aloud to Eric and he said, "I think we should tell her to come."

"No, not yet. I'm alright and I don't think they should come yet. I don't want them sitting around - I don't want to be the watched pot. I think it's too early still."

Eric insisted that he didn't think we were as far out as I thought we were. They could stay in the living room and we could stay in our room. They could at least just come check on things. He didn't want things to go so fast they couldn't get here in time.

"Is it okay if I call her and talk to her?"

I said ok and rolled over to focus on another contraction. He sat down by me and dialed her number. And here's where I have a good laugh at myself now that I'm looking back on this all in retrospect. Because I can remember reading a ton of birth stories where the wife is getting close and in a bit of denial about where she is and doesn't want the midwives coming over yet and the husband is getting uncomfortable with how close she is and does want them to come. And so he goes off in another room and secretly calls them over and it's usually just in the knick of time. :) I guess I'm pretty typical. :) Eric filled Stephanie in on where things were and she asked if we wanted her to come over.

"The jury is split on that," Eric answered.

"You want me to come?"

"Yes."

"Ask Briana if it would be okay with her if I come. Not if she wants me to come, but if it would be okay if I come."

I said that would be okay. Stephanie said she would head over - no rush or anything, but she would head this way. She'd start getting her things together and head over when she was ready and to give her a call if anything changed in the meantime. Well played by both of them. Those were the right words to appease me and make me feel happy about the plan. Eric was very cute and went into the kitchen to set out an array of food I had prepared for all of us to snack on when we moved the party out into the living room by the tub. It made me smile really big when I did finally walk out and see the spread - a bowl of fruit, plate of cookies, some chips, nuts, coconut oil popcorn, bottles of water. Sweet man.

After he finished those preparations, he rejoined me on our bed and read to me again from my Scriptures and Thoughts pages. I'll always treasure that time we spent together working through the contractions in our quiet space. We had a beautiful discussion about some of the scriptures we'd been reading and some of the spiritual impressions we'd had throughout the day. I felt so empowered and strengthened in the midst of the pain and intensity. It was such a blessing - my spirit felt invigorated which in turn invigorated my mind and body. Although I was having to dig deep during the contractions, I felt able to handle them and excited to keep moving forward and see how things would unfold. It had been the loveliest of afternoons. So peaceful and calm and safe and fun and exciting and happy and joyous. Everything I had hoped it would be. And to add to my joy, Eric was in total agreement - and happy amazement- about the awesomeness of it all. We were doing it - I was doing this! Soon, we would meet our little Kate!

So, there we were headed into the seven o'clock hour, about eight hours into labor, poised and ready to go. Twilight was touching down outside our windows and we were tucked cozily away in our house full of rain and dim light and the smell of berries coming from the kitchen. After all my weeks of stressing over having all the to-do lists checked off, there we were laboring away with a bassinet in our room, tiny clothes washed and folded, pantry stocked, birth kit and supplies in the corner, a stash of carefully selected comfy postpartum lounge-wear in the closet, birth pool blown up and standing-by in the living room, our bed double made, and fresh towels and miniature diapers eagerly waiting for a new little person to fill them. And to top it all off- the midwives actually coming to our house! This was really happening!

Continued in part 2...