Thank you

THANK YOU to whoever had us on their heart and mind and quietly cleared off our baby's grave, so that it didn't sit unmarked in a field of white. Christmas week was in the 70's and sunny here and it hadn't even occurred to me that her grave wouldn't be visible. That means more than you know. I have been struggling with a hurting heart the weeks leading up to Christmas thinking about the missing part of our family during all of our celebrating. Some of the most acute pain came from thinking about the miles between me and Kate's grave and the thought of her grave sitting alone. No matter how much you know that a grave is just a resting place for a body without a spirit in your "better" moments, it does something to your mother heart to think about your baby far away and alone. Especially around a time like Christmas. So, again, thank you.

THANK YOU to our dear family who took time out of your busy Christmas schedules to bring a little Christmas cheer to Kate's grave. Thank you for the pictures. They sure did my heart good. Thank you for the support and the love.

THANK YOU to the many different family members who sent such thoughtful tokens this Christmas in remembrance of Kate. I wouldn't have known what to do or give if I was in your shoes, but you did it so well. You all amaze me. It felt so right to have her remembered and present in those ways as we marked Christmas.

THANK YOU to the dear friends and strangers who sent kind words, who keep praying for us, and for everything else you've done for us. The words are inadequate, but thank you.

We are so blessed and had a wonderful Christmas, although it was more subdued this year. Frankly, we are so ready to flip the calendar over to 2014. There was so much joy in our holidays this year and we are grateful to be so bountifully blessed. More than ever, as we talked over the gifts the Savior has brought into our lives, I was filled with inexpressable gratitude for His mission of hope and salvation! We truly would be lost without Him.

Christmas was a bit of a struggle in some ways, too. We hung five stockings above the fireplace this year, which was a really sweet reminder and tribute to each member of our family. But all the sweetness vanished and it was a bitter dose of reality when we went to fill the stockings on Christmas Eve. We looked up from the four full stockings on the floor to her limp, empty stocking hanging pitifully alone on the hook on the mantle. When it came right down to it, there really was nothing to fill it with. And nothing to do with anything we might have filled it with. Kate is dead. She's not here with us. That is reality. And the stocking that had brought a smile to our faces all month long, suddenly seemed like the worst idea in the world. A bitter pill to swallow (again) on one of the most joyous nights of the year. In the end, we cut out a big red paper heart and placed it sticking halfway out of her stocking and laid it by the others on the floor. It felt better than leaving her stocking alone.

But we made it. That was our Christmas this year - some bitter and some sweet. I'm working on not judging my feelings and just feeling them instead. Letting it be. I don't have a lot of energy and I wish I could do more, but I wanted to drop a quick note of thanks. We are so grateful for you and hope you had a Merry Christmas!