Kate's 1st Birthday

Our beautiful little baby had her first birthday on August 4th.

That feels nuts. As with most other "big" life happenings, it feels like it's been about a million years since she was born and also like it's been the blink of an eye. 

Boy, what a couple of weeks it's been! About the time the calendar flipped to August 1st, I started feeling emotional and sentimental. August. Seeing the date would take me right back to last August and get me thinking about what life was like, what we were doing, the plans we had, how I was still pregnant with Kate and she was kicking and rolling and hiccuping in my belly. One short year ago. It was a tender pain, though - poignant, but not overwhelming. I still felt a lot of peace about things and hope about the future. 

But the days right before Kate's birthday, her birthday itself, and the days after (when we marked the one year anniversary of her funeral, burying her, etc.) really knocked me off my feet! I was bowled over by grief - as tragic and strong and fresh feeling as if I really was living back in August of 2013. It was really surprising to me as I didn't expect to experience that at all - some sadness, yes, but not the aching, roller coaster, fragile feelings like in the days and months right after she died. Those feelings of wondering how everyone and everything around you are possibly carrying on. Feeling like you have it together alright one minute and then the next the tears come flooding out. The irrational, yet overwhelming physical desire to run to the cemetery and claw up the dirt and find my baby and hold her again. Or at least just lay down on the grass by her grave and stay there forever.

Those are feelings I haven't had for a while. I have felt like I've made a lot of peace with what has happened and have found a place of balance. I was really surprised at how everything felt as we marked Kate's birthday. But there you go - I guess anything is fair game on big anniversaries after loss. Duly noted. I am grateful to have Eric by my side through all of this. He is the perfect companion for me. He understands like no one else on earth does and he was there for whatever I needed - a quiet trip to the cemetery, a walk when company was too much, a shoulder to sob on, someone to reminisce and ruminate with, and so on.

We have had a trip to Utah planned for Kate's birthday pretty much since we got back from burying her. It was a lovely trip. We were (of course!) overjoyed to be back in Utah, happy to get to visit with family and friends, in love with the beautiful weather and mountains and green(!), and grateful to be able to spend time at Kate's grave at this time of year. There were good things and there were hard things, but we wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.  

Eric stopped on the side of the road an hour or two past Kanab to pick me a sunflower. :) I have always loved the wild sunflowers that pop up everywhere in Utah at the end of summer. That happy little sunflower smiled at me all the rest of the way up north. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to be very sad when you're looking at a sunflower.

We had a great trip visiting with various people, taking care of some "Utah errands", eating yummy food, and driving around some of our favorite sights. On Saturday, we were able to go with some family to the Provo temple to participate in some very special sealings for some of the Hoffman line. It was a good place to be as always, but especially that weekend.

This is one of my favorite views in the world. Pictures can't do the mountains and canyon justice. I love it!

Monday (Kate's birthday) we had planned to be a quiet, more private day since we weren't quite sure what to expect. In the morning, we lit a candle for Kate that we kept burning all day to remind us of her. I love the symbolism of that light burning quietly, but steadily all day.

(Thanks to everyone who lit candles for Kate and celebrated and remembered with us from afar. The words and pictures and kind thoughts meant a lot that day! You all are the best! It really meant a lot to feel all the love and support from places near and far.)

After we spent the day quietly as a family, we had a small gathering on Monday night at Kate's grave to celebrate her a little. We planned a balloon release, eating of doughnuts and Nacho cheese doritos (my two must have pregnancy cravings with Kate.... so weird!), and to sing Happy Birthday. Our brother-in-law, Ryan, surprised us and offered to sing "After All" again for us, as well (which was the song he sang at Kate's burial). A thunder and rain storm rolled in just as we were getting started and while we had to modify a few things, it was a happy thing. Anyone that knows me, knows that I. LOVE. RAIN. The most. So, I thought it was a very tender mercy to be blessed with rain, cool air, and gray skies. The Lord knows us. And He sure loves us.

Look at this pretty place!!!

Balloons and Doughnuts and Doritos all ready to go!

Writing notes to Kate

(Boromeo is our nickname for Baby Boy :))

Off they go!

Watching the balloons float away

And then the rain came!

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl.

We finally got a picture of our whole family next to Kate's grave!

A really special moment for me was at one point when we were all standing around celebrating Kate and then little baby boy started kicking and wiggling. It felt so right to be in the one place on earth where all 6 of us could kind of be together. Made me happy. I am excited to meet this little guy and I am even more excited to be with all of my family together again someday.

Then we had doughnuts and sang to Kate.

We love you, Kate. Happy Birthday little lady.