August 6, 2008
To My Searching Sisterz
My sweet darling old maid friend Yvette is down in the dumps because honestly, she has the saddest slash most boring life ever. She hasn't TOLD me that but I can sirmise it from her condition of singleness, and other people's frowns make ME frown, which is a bummer AND a wrinkle-inducer not to mention basically the opposite of my favorite hymn. Just can't take it any more! INTERVENTION!!! Here is some advice from ME, which not to be calky but I = a bit of an expert in this arena.
To snag your own JJWT:
Do's:
-Mascara, mascara, mascara. When ppl say you have tarantula eyez, it means your SO hot even a hairy spider couldn't resist! Dang!
-avoid wearing sweats, BUT, if you're gonna wear sweats, MAKE SURE there is something sassy written on your bottom.
-TEXT IN CHURCH. This will make you look even cuter and way less boring...if you can do this with tonz of gum, EVEN CUTER!
-put out...not tonz (HAZARD IN THE HORIZONTAL!!) but definately enough that they can taste your lipsmackers, which should be either super-shiny berry or Dr. Pepper flavored. Trust me, guys HEART that.
-Make SURE (DEAD SURE, canNOT emphasize this one enough) you have a darling mom. Guys scope HER out to gauge your FP so nothing personal but the two of you might want to get a buddy pass at Golds. In a pinch, borrow a friend's cute mom. Had to do this with JJWT for like three months while my mom had weird adult acne. Remember the rhyming mantras: "if I'm to find my EC, it is up to me. It's not a lie if it catches the guy." Repeat thrice, preferably in the meer with a hand on your hip.
DON'Ts
-do NOT wear long sleeves. Seriously, they make you look uptight and like forty. Cap sleeves are best, TRUST ME, way more shaved-arm available to tickle in movies.
-do NOT get a short haircut and/or make your hair one color (BOAR-RING!). Long and multi-colored is your best bet (but, don't bet, it's practically porn).
-WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GO TO MORE SCHOOL, unless you want people to start calling you Yawnette. Think about it! Serious! How often do guys whistle and yell "Nice degree!" or shake there heads and say "What adorable knowledge"? EXACTLY.
Your welcome girls!! Good luck!!
If you want to laugh even harder, go to
3 comments:
Funny stuff! Thanks for sharing, Briana.
So I don't know that I've ever laughed that hard at a blog post. LOVE IT. Wish I had known all that when I was single. Maybe it wouldn't have taken Ry so long to pop the question:) And the whole part about doing stuff with your mom or borrowing someone else's was awesome! So wrong! It reminded me of that story you told from Marriage prep about the guy who needed to see is fiance's pedigree chart to make sure none of her ancestors were ugly:) You can never be too sure these days! Loved it.
I love that blog. It makes me laugh every time. She really nails it on the head, whoever she is.
And, wow, graduation is upon you! You made it.
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