I am a Mother

I just finished reading this book:

and it was absolutely FANTASTIC!!

Maybe I just felt that way because it was filled with things that were EXACTLY what I needed to hear/read right now, but it's gotten rave reviews from everyone ever since it first came out, so I think it's not just me. :) If you haven't read it - read it! Buy it, check it out from the library, borrow my copy - something, anything - just read it! :) It's for everyone - married, single, young mother, empty nester, no kids yet, anyone! It's a quick read and easy to put down and leave for a few days when life gets busy - so check it out!

This book really was a godsend for me, as I've been grappling (we're talking serious, totally inexplicably huge struggles) with what my future is going to hold. (To work or not to work, ah.. that is THE question. But that is material for a whole different post...) But, anyways, besides just championing motherhood, there was great advice regarding how to support each other as mothers and sisters in the Gospel (which I needed to hear - it really hit on some of my really rotten weaknesses/tendencies -ouch! Deep down, I really am evil - that's what I keep trying to tell Eric, but he won't listen...), a great section about how we are all mothers, and just tons of great truths about the eternal role of women/mothers.

Here are some of my favorite quotes/passages from the book (sorry - there's a lot... but there's lots of good stuff!):

“The day-in-and-day-out of daily mothering is invisible, because so much of what we do doesn’t last, and we do it within the walls of our own home where it is not noticed. I traded in fancy lunches and fancy restaurants for something better. Still, there is no one to tap me or any mother on the back and say, ‘terrific diaper change.’ There’s no praise or recognition for the day in and day out of mothering.

But it is the little things that make the difference in our children long term. Because you can’t measure those things, mothers are sort of relegated to be considered as high-end babysitters. That’s not true. Mothering is the work of the ages. It is the most important thing that we could be doing."

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"We can all rejoice in the sacred calling of motherhood. To give birth is only one part of this sacred mission.... But to help another gain eternal life is a privilege that is neither denied to nor delayed for any worthy woman."

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"Instead of competing with each other, we ought to be building relationships with each other. Some of the finest examples of "womanly relationships of strength' come from the scriptures...

"...there were Elisabeth and Mary [from the Bible], who entered motherhood at two completely different stages in life but shared a wonderful spiritual connection... Neither woman tried to 'one-up' the other. They each reveled in the other's happiness...Can you imagine the comfort, the support, and the love these women must have felt in each other's company?"

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[Talking about leaving her job...] "Some people were incredibly supportive. One producer...came into my office... and said, "Good for you!" He wasn't endorsing my decision to be a mother per se, but he did congratulate me for having the courage to follow my heart, to act on my convictions. He noted that there were so very many others with the impulse to leave, but they wouldn't. They just couldn't walk away from the prestige, the money, or whatever it was the seemed more important than following their hearts." (emphasis added)

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"Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, 'Can we love and support each other without judging each other harshly? So many of us are trying our hardest to live the commandments, often against great odds in our personal lives and unique family situations. Heaven knows, the world isn't giving us much support in these relationships. Let us [Covenant keeping women of the church!] support one another, even when - especially when - we differ on matters of personal choice and circumstance. Those are usually differences of preference, not principle.'" (emphasis added)

[This one really pierced me - I've certainly been guilty of what he's talking about. And he's absolutely right - the world SURELY isn't giving us any support in what we're trying to do. How terrible is it for us as sisters - who should always be encouraging and supporting each other as we try to live the Gospel and raise righteous families- to be tearing each other down?]

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“We pay a lot of lip service to motherhood. We give mothers awards and we occasionally say, aren’t they great, but we don’t extend them the same respect in reality. I have experienced that first hand. When I told one executive that I was leaving New York and moving to Boston, he said, ‘What are you going to do?’ I told him, ‘I have the opportunity and privilege to be a mother.’ ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but what are you going to do?’

We have to change that paradigm. I want every woman to feel for herself that mothering matters, that nurturing matters, that we have to start valuing these skills in our society and really most importantly in our selves.”

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"In every woman's story there are unknowns - struggles only she knows about, fears she's tried to overcome but still harbors, disappointments and sorrows she bears. The last thing any of us wants - or needs- it to be judged by others who don't know our stories, in part or at all."

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"She [Sister Ardeth Kapp] acknowledged that it took time - years, really - to be at peace with her circumstance, to know what God knows. And that knowledge is this: every woman can find happiness and fulfilment in mothering. 'You need not posses children to love them. Loving is not synonymous with possessing, and possessing is not necessarily loving. The world is filled with people to be loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired.'"

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"All of this...made me wonder, "Is it possible that motherhood is an insignificant, second-rate occupation? Had I made a bad decision?... Could it be that Heavenly Father would plan for me to walk away from something I loved for the "misery" of being "just a mother"? What I have since learned is that God's definition of motherhood and the world's definition are vastly different... There just doesn't seem to be a lot of joy - or fulfillment - associated with the world's interpretation of motherhood. But when we trust in the arm of the Lord rather than the voices of the world, everything changes.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell observed, 'When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?' I see no "justs" when I read those words. Instead, I feel something: Honor. Responsibility. Awe. Hope."

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One of the things that I loved most about this book was the way Jane Clayson Johnson (the author) was able to present so many beautiful truths about motherhood with such power. I felt the Spirit touching and teaching me so strongly as I read. I can't even describe it. But I'll attempt to describe at least one thing that really hit me today as I was finishing the book.

Just today in fact, I was doing some thinking while Elena was napping and I was having my wonderful, "mid-day nap peaceful, sanity-renewing time". I was making lunch for myself and for some reason I started reflecting back on how difficult it was to even find time to make a decent lunch for myself when Elena was newborn and how nice it is now that she is older and has a regular nap schedule. That got me thinking about how nice it was to have some help from family right after she was born, which then got me thinking about early, newborn days and pre-Elena days in general. In particular, I was musing about how I felt in the days and weeks right before Elena was born and I was thinking how I would probably feel different right before our next child is born.

Probably just because I am stupidly sentimental, right before Elena was born, I was really struck by how those were our last few weeks of being "just the two of us" and how even after our children were all grown up and had left home that we would still always be parents and it would always be different once we had children. Don't get me wrong, I was beyond excited to have kids, I just felt a little tinge of sadness at the thought that we were turning the page on that part of our book - that "just the two of us, young married couple" part and that we would never go back. I almost felt like I was losing a little part of myself or giving something up. And now, every once in a while, I think about that and I try to reconcile everything together and see how it all works.... because I know that being a mother is good and joyous and that I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I also have felt at times like there were other good and wonderful things or parts of my life that have changed or ended with parenthood. I've been trying to figure out how being a mom fits into my life and how my life fits with being a mom... does that make sense? Just trying to figure out how it all fits together....

Well, then something I read today totally changed my outlook, gave me an answer, and opened my eyes! The author tells about how she was sent to produce a documentary in a small village in China where a group of American volunteer doctors had gone, at their own expense, to operate on children with terrible facial deformities. At the hospital, Jane met a sixty-five year old grandmother waiting in line with a small baby girl. The grandmother had found the baby on the steps of the Buddhist temple where she went to pray every morning - the baby had been abandoned, left to die with cloth and paper stuffed in her mouth, because of her disfiguring cleft lip and palate.

Jane writes, "The woman had a child and grandchild of her own and already lived a very humble life. But her mother-heart would not let her turn away. She scooped up that little baby and vowed at that moment she would take care of her. She knew this little child needed to be "loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired." The woman heard about the doctors and made the 300 mile journey to see them and the baby was able to receive the surgery. A year later, Jane and her cameraman returned to do a follow-up story on this little child. She writes, "She was a completely different child - happy, healthy, well-adjusted. All because a woman, who probably thought her mothering days were over, knew that we are all mothers - always." (emphasis added)

I can't tell you how this touched me! The story is incredible in and of itself, but as I read that last line, the Spirit spoke to me so strongly and helped me to understand that that is the answer to what I have been wondering about for so long. We are all mothers - ALWAYS. That is it! Being a mother is not something that keeps us from all the other things that "make us who we are". It is not something we do instead of a "real" job. It is not something that we are done doing once our kids move out and get married. It is not something that stops when we die or if our children die. It IS who we are as women. We are mothers! Always! It is a part of our eternal identity. We have always been mothers and we will always be mothers. It's what President Hinckley meant when he said that "God planted within women something divine" - the nurturing, loving, spirit of a mother.

I don't know - I can't fully describe it. It was something communicated to me by the Spirit and probably best understood by the Spirit. But, it was such an incredibly powerful realization for me! Maybe you're thinking - "yeah, duh... I already knew that". But, I guess maybe it just takes some of us longer than others to break through all of the junk that the world would have us believe and to see who we really are. :)

Anyways, the book was just filled with tons of stuff like that for me. Sorry this has been so long, but the moral of the story is that this book is awesome you should all read it! The end. :)