So, when Eric and I were engaged, we had the talk that everyone has before they get married about how many kids they want. We both thought that 6-8 sounded like a good number. He grew up in a big family and loved it and I had loved all the time I had spent with his siblings in their big family atmosphere. Ok, check, check- we agree on that one. Sounds like a plan. Right?
Fast forward four years - we have child #2 on the way and I'm a cub scout den leader, working with anywhere from four to six 8-year-old boys (yes, it would seem that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor since my least favorite demographic group is probably young boys).
And for a little while now, I've been second-guessing our seemingly simple plan and feeling rather confused.
I just got home from cub scouts - there were five of them there today. And then there were also the four other boys that belong to my assistant den leader (who is freaking amazing, by the way - 5 little boys! She is pretty much my hero. I learn a lot from her!) And I had Elena there. So, that's 10 little kids all under the age of 10. Needless to say, things were a little chaotic. The cub scouts were not at their sweetest today, not their worst behavior, but not the best: complaining, not wanting to participate, shouting, waving scissors around, continual talking, asking- well, rather, just taking - more of the treats, etc. I was getting a little overwhelmed, and, frankly, annoyed by the end and was ready to go home.
At the end, my assistant den leader was simultaneously trying to get the scouts to leave (we hold scouts at her house) and trying to get her boys inside to do their daily jobs and their homework before dinner. Her boys were arguing with her and resisting (common junk kid behavior, I know) and she was patiently telling them to go inside and get things done. I felt like I was going out of my mind just watching it all. She looked way more calm and in control than I felt and she was the one dealing with everything! (Like, I said - she's seriously incredible.)
I practically ran down the block and back home and then collapsed once we were inside. Elena then informed me that she wanted to watch and even though she'd already watched one movie today, I just gave in, so that I could spend a couple moments doing something quiet and mind-numbing to unwind and get something to eat. (That was something that probably didn't help the situation any - I was tired and hungry.) I just literally felt like my brain could not function.
And now, here I sit with some grapes and a bowl of Kix safely in my stomach, thinking.
How do people do it?
How do they have a house full of little kids and messes and loudness and chaos?
Will I ever be able to do it?
Am I just having one of those days?
Or are some people just not meant to have a lot of kids - can they physically and mentally just not handle it?
Am I one of those people?
Or do you just cope with it as it comes?
Are you blessed with some extra super-awesome mothering powers when you have lots of little kids, that I just don't have now?
But, seriously, I don't know if I can handle having a bunch of young kids. I need my quiet time during the day - like, I seriously NEED it. As in, I need it to be quiet sometimes. I feel like I really just NEED life to be slow sometimes. (Fairly often.) I also need a clean (or at least relatively clean) house. I cannot function when things are dirty. I get grumpy and lazy and my mood really gets down. People say, "Oh, just forget about the mess and enjoy this time with your little kids". But, I literally can't function properly as a human being - let alone a wife and a mother. And, I'm pretty sure I don't have the patience or even the presence of mind to deal with more than about 2 or 3 kids- to love them and teach them and discipline, play with, guide, keep track of, clean up after, etc, etc. I feel like I'm going to go crazy most of the time just dealing with Elena's disobedience - how can I ever deal with that times 3 or 4 or 5 or 6? And, I've just never been really good with young kids (4-12) - I much prefer babies and teenagers. I just can't relate to them very well (not that I can relate to babies, but..) and the immature behavior bugs me and I just don't know how to act with them - I don't even really know how to talk with them.
The things is: some people just seem so great at coming up with awesome things for their kids to do all the time, having really well-behaved, cute put-together kids, being really patient and keeping their cool, and having a seemingly endless supply of energy. I really don't think I'm one of those people. My day feels like a success when I only let Elena watch one movie and her activities are as varied as a bath, a little quiet solo playtime, maybe reading some books together, and if its a really great day - going to the park. Blah - see, now everyone knows what type of a mom I am.
Ever since we had Elena, mine and Eric's philosophy has been: we want to do what the Lord wants us to do - we'll just take the kids one at a time, as they come, and see how things go. So, don't freak out - I'm not going to go get my tubes tied after this one or anything. Anyone have any thoughts? Do you think some people just can't handle having lots of kids? Or do your abilities increase as the number of kids increase?
Disclaimer: I love being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm just confused about what to do and feeling inadequate/possibly dysfunctional.
I Do Now
2 days ago
10 comments:
I can handle the mess and the chaos sometimes. I don't love it always, but it doesn't get to me.
My sister in-law can't. She needs structure and cleanliness and control, and she stopped at 2. It works for her. There is nothing wrong with having 2 kids and nothing wrong with having 6 kids. To each his own. Do what it takes to be happy and have a happy family. If that means less kids that is fine! There is no glory in being an insane mother of 6, really. Just ask the kids of a crazy mother. We are all different and there is not one right way to have a family/be a mom.
i think probably a little of both is right. i think we do learn to handle what we're given, but i also believe there are most definitely people that aren't meant to have millions of kids. i, like you, have to have some sense of order. i feel like total crap unless the house is clean and i am ready for the day. these things are generally not accomplished until noon or so, but i feel SO much better and like a better mother when it's done. i think you guys are smart to take one at a time, and then see. that's my plan and it makes me a lot more calm about the number of and spacing of kids. we don't feel like we have to hit a certain number, we're just seeing how it goes and doing what we feel is right for us. like anna said, there's definitely not a perfect number for everyone! you rock briana!
I totally agree with Anna and Christy. Todd and I took a fabulous D&C class from Steven E. Robinson while at BYU. One day he got on a little soapbox about women in the church. He talked about how the use of depression medication is alarmingly high in the Church. He urged us to stop behaving as though we have to do everything. He got really upset talking about how women in the Church feel like they have to have 8 kids, be relief society president, do all of their visiting teaching, take meals to everyone that has a sickness or baby or stress, be the den master, be fit, cook every meal, etc, etc. He said it's just silly. He talked about how the Lord knows us and knows what we are capable of. But do we know what we're capable of? He even said it's ok to turn down a calling if we feel like we can't handle it. Or stop having children if we just can't handle any more. Some people are better at other things, some people can handle more kids. Todd and I also feel the same way about when to have children. We've gotten grief for not having kids yet. Yes, we did just celebrate our 5th anniversary. However, we've had a lot on our plate--school, getting to know each other, feeling like we are in a good place with each other before we add kids to the mix, etc. Some people are ready to have kids right away and for some of us, it takes a little longer. To each his own. We can only do what we can handle and what we WANT to handle. Good luck to you, I think you're being wise!
Each kid comes one at a time (well, unless you have twins or triplets etc)...plus, your older kids keep getting older, and can help out more. I sympathize with you--my mom is the PERFECT homemaker, and mother of 8 children. How did she do it? I really don't know, other than that Heavenly Father will endow you with power to meet the challenges that come if we're being obedient--so, if you feel like should have 12 more kids, and Heavenly Father agrees, He'll help make it happen...
that is my point of view....perhaps it will change as the years go by and I add kids to the mix :)
From what I know of you, you're a wonderful mom, Elena feels tons of love, and you care for her so so much. That is perfect!!
P.S, Hang in there! :D
Briana Rocks! All in favor? It's unanimous. But seriously the lord has a plan for all of us and our families. But I think we forget that the spirit is a magnifier, and expander. As we keep the commandments we are given more commandments because our ability to do has increased. I believe that it works similarly with kids. I don't think everyone is supposed to have 9, 10, and 11 kids, but I do think that our society is limiting the number of children per family at an alarming rate. Amy and I were just reading about the Nephites after Christ came, It says that they were some of the happiest people who have ever lived on the earth, and one of the things it says they were doing to be happy is having children. I'm not saying that you need to have a big family, just don't count yourself out too soon, I have witnessed great tenderness in you, and I know that you are a great mom and will continue to get even better.
I for one thought I'd have a big family. Everyone who knew me thought that... I just always loved kids and always wanted to be a Mom. We decided to have a baby only a few months after being married.... anyway... After having 2 we decided that we were done. For a lot of different reasons. Point being, that you just don't know until you know. Take it a day at a time. Pray about it. Whats right for someone else may be totally wrong for you.
One thing that I heard Dr. Phil say once was when you're thinking about making a decision, try it on for 2 weeks, then see how you feel about it....
also I think kids these days have a total lack of respect for adults! When I read about the scouts it was making me cringe because the same thing happened to me when I helped at Chase's scout day camp, grrrr!
Well my dear you are an awesome mom and babies generally only come one at a time. Remember our talk today.You are capable of doing anything you set your mind to. don't sweat it. You are going to mess up. You might as well accept it. As long as you do the best you can and trust in the Lord. All will be well in your little part of Zion. Elena and Talmage/Aria plus any other little ones who Heavenly Father chooses to send to you will be just fine, Because they have you and Eric as their Mother and Father. They will know of your undying love and devotion to them as you teach and mold them to be rightous young women and men ready to derve the Lord. Heaven knows I wasn't the perfect mom, but I learned and am doing better than my mom just like she learned and did better than her mom. You learn from past mistakes and do better. I am a good mom, I came from a good mom, you are a good mom. If you love your kinds and teach them to walk the path of truth and rightous you have done all you can do. You're the best! and I'm proud I'm your mom and you are Elena's mom
love you Bri~
mom
I love you, Briana, and I think you're a great mom!
A few comments: 1) It really is easier to love your own children than other people's. 2) Cub scouts only lasts three years, which isn't all that much compared to sixty or so. 3) Babies really do usually come one at a time, and yes, I think your capacity increases.
It seems to be part of Heavenly Father's plan to give us things to handle that are beyond our ability. I think He wants us to stretch and grow, sometimes in very uncomfortable ways. I can't tell you how many times I've faced a situation and said, "I can't do that." And yet, I do. Heavenly Father has promised us that, through the enabling power of the atonement, we will be enlarged. When we are doing what He has asked us to do, He will help us do it.
The number of children a couple has is between them and Heavenly Father. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer, although I do agree with Ryan that our society in general is having fewer and fewer children--and that is a concern if you believe that there are spirit children waiting to be born. I am confident that you and Eric will figure this out, probably one baby at a time, and whatever is right, you will be able to handle.
Don't stress. You're wonderful, and it will all work out. (And P.S. I also feel better when I have a clean house.)
I started writing you a humongo email after I read this several days ago. But I could never say what I wanted to say. I still want to leave a comment though. Pretty much you guys rock. And even though sometimes kids are hard and overwhelming they rock too, and you know that. I guess what you don't know is that you truly are an incredible wife, sister, and mother. I think you only see your weaknesses in mothering (which- compared to many in this world- are a joke). Elena is EXTREMELY blessed to be sent to you. And whatever other spirits are in line will be very blessed to. I agree with the comments that the spirit is an enlarger. Just in the last few days I've been thinking about how the spirit/light/glory/intelligence/truth of God also gives us energy. You think about people you know who are living the gospel and they all are positive, upbeat, full of energy. I think this is both a choice people make and a physical strength in their bodies. They have been endowed with greater spirit through personal obedience. They are more like God. Anyway, I think as we live the gospel and choose to have greater energy with our children we are granted greater light which enlarges our abilities as mothers. The end.
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