Round 1 Down, 3 More to Go

Alright, well boo on Blogger. I spent a long time writing this post yesterday and when I hit "publish", the post mysteriously disappeared with no draft saved or anything. Weird. I was so mad that I couldn't even touch the computer for the rest of the day. But here goes again.

We got home from the hospital on Monday night. Elena finished her first round of high dose methotrexate (HD MTX). We have the best little family reunions when we get home from the hospital. Because of winter flu season restrictions, Lily is not allowed in the hospital. So, she stays with a babysitter and Eric bounces back and forth (ha... I guess that's how we'll describe that lovely hour long drive back and forth from Salt Lake to Provo) from classes to the hospital. It is wonderful when Elena gets released and we can all be together again. Elena and Lily lit up over and over again at the sight of each other that night. Both girls were so content and happy to wander around and rediscover each room of the house and each toy. And we all sat around - a little worn out, but with big smiles on our faces - basking in each others company. We sure love our little family of four - there is nothing like being home together - all under the same roof. The sweet reunions almost make the stays in the hospital worth it. Almost. :)

A very tired Elena in the hospital on Monday morning

Elena was very worn out and slept pretty much all day on Monday as the high doses of chemo and anti-nausea meds finally caught up with her. She went to bed around 11pm on Sunday night and slept straight until 10:30am - even with a near constant stream of doctors, nurses, techs, cleaning ladies, and hospital volunteers coming in our room. She was up for about half an hour and then she slept again from 11am-3pm.

This weekend in the hospital was really rough. I know things could have been so much worse, so I feel bad saying that, but we're all about keeping it real, right? And it was very rough. Elena was just generally wiped out and hurting from the HD MTX. And then she had a bad reaction to one of her anti-nausea meds. Let's just say that Ativan is the devil. Ativan is a medicine sometimes used to control nausea in chemo patients. It had horrible side effects for Elena, though - weakness, unsteadiness, trouble walking, confusion, loopiness, anxiety, depression. It was terrible. She spent the majority of the weekend screaming, crying, thrashing, acting out irrationally, kicking, and being just generally out of her head. When she wasn't doing those things, she was just sobbing. She would burst into tears at anything - literally like every 15 seconds. One night after she had been crying non-stop, I was trying to ask her why she was crying. She looked at me, burst into tears, and sobbed out, "Mommy, I just want to cry forever." :(

Sunday things really came to a head. In the morning, our nurse put two and two together and suggested that the Ativan was probably behind a lot of the problem. We stopped giving it to her and switched to another anti-nausea med. It helped a tiny bit, but things were still bad. On top of the overall chemo yuckiness and the bad reaction to Ativan, she was exhausted. She only slept for about 6 hours the night before (when she normally sleeps for between 12-13). She was fighting sleep, her nurses, and us on every head. On Sunday night, I was feeling particularly weary and worn out from dealing with everything and not feeling equal to the prospect of another night of fighting Elena to go to sleep and then having a very mad Elena woken up every two hours by the nurses coming in. As Eric was getting ready to go (only one parent is allowed to stay the night), I had the idea for him to give Elena a blessing. Immediately after the blessing, Elena lay on her bed quietly and then held out her hand to me and asked me to come lay by her and snuggle. Within ten minutes, she was sound asleep - no crying, no thrashing, no battles. Just peace. She slept soundly all through the night - even through the beeping monitors, nurses changing her every two hours, blood pressure readings, and medicine being given. She only half came back into consciousness for the two oral meds she had to take during the night and then she fell right back to sleep. It was a miracle. Monday she was back to our happy, sweet girl - making Valentine's for her nurses and no tears in sight.

You could say that she probably got better from the Ativan wearing off or because she got some rest. But I know that it was more than that. I know that Elena received help and comfort from the blessing Eric gave her. The power of the priesthood is real. The change in her was so immediate and marked. It was a blessing from a merciful Heavenly Father.

So, now we have round 1 down, 3 more to go. We are happy to be at home for a little bit, resting between rounds. But boy does it look like it's going to be ugly. Elena is not feeling so hot. She is covered in a nasty rash, not eating much, very tired, and has sores in unfortunate parts of her GI tract. And to top it all off, she also has (ANOTHER!) double ear infection. The doctor last night told us that she should be up for tubes in her ears with all the ear infections she's had in the last few months. (Lily is getting tubes in within the month.) Not sure how/if that works in immuno-compromised patients. We'll see. Poor girl. She really has been so blessed and kept so strong throughout her treatment thus far. And I know it could be worse. But, darn it, sometimes I just have to say it. It's only round 1 of HD MTX and I just worry about what shape she'll be in after three more of these rounds so close together.

I feel terrible complaining about this. I'm so conflicted. I know we are so blessed - I see so many instances of the Lord's hand in our life every day. And I know there are so many who have it worse and we are in a really great spot. There was a boy across the hall from Elena getting the same high dose chemo and we could hear him loud and clear puking his guts out all day long. Elena wasn't - that is a huge blessing! I know that. But, I'm also just feeling a little... I don't know...

sad for my little Elena and worried about the next month and a half of treatment

tired (like down deep - not on the surface because I got a good night of sleep last night :))

stressed about how it's all going to come together - Eric's school, the babysitters, the money, etc, etc...

frustrated at how I feel - sometimes it's really hard to get what you know connected with what you feel. I feel like the most ungrateful person that ever lived and I just want to slap myself in the face.

Ah! Like I said - conflicted. I feel terrible about how I feel. Ha... how's that? I know it's all going to come together. And this next month and a half will pass and we'll have made it through somehow like we always do. I just need to rant for a minute. It's hard not having control and being able to plan out how things will go. I mean - does anyone really ever have control? No. But when your life has exploded with something big, its just very much in your face how much you don't have control. More than when you're sailing along in life. Anyways, I'm done.

There... a brief glimpse into the crazy mind of a paranoid, overly worried cancer parent. We are crazy. And should be feared in large numbers. :)

Life really is good in spite of what I say sometimes.