"Mom, why do you wear gloves when you do my 6MP?"
"So the chemo won't get on me. It's for you, not me."
"Why don't you want it to get on you?"
"Well (enter pricks of guilt as I'm thinking of how to explain that I don't want to get hurt by the chemo, but I'm giving it to her when it could potentially hurt her), because chemo can really hurt people who don't have cancer if it gets in them. It's just for you to help kill your cancer." (Prick of guilt..... prick of guilt....)
"Yes, because I have a cancer named 'kemia.... Well, someday you will probably have cancer, too, you know."
"Well maybe, but probably not, actually. (Oh, how do I explain all of this to a 3.5 year old??) You know, it's kind of a special thing to get cancer - not very many people do. You are just a special girl."
"OH, just kids get cancer. They are the ones who get cancer like me."
"Well, you know, not very many kids get cancer actually. Most kids don't. It doesn't happen very often, but you are a special kid."
What a conversation! I read somewhere recently that when kids are very young and have cancer, that they usually grow up and can't remember a lot of it/aren't too scarred - that it usually has a much more lasting impact on the parents. That is really reassuring, but sometimes I wonder - when a lot of her world view and schema has been developed in the middle of all of this. She thinks "having cancer" is a totally normal life event. She is three and a half and she knows how to fast. She loves to play doctor and take care of dollies and when she plays you hear words pop out of her mouth like, "Septra" (one of her meds), "Methy-trexate" (Methotrexate - chemo), "Vitals", "6MP, "Access your port", etc. I know the medical play is actually a good sign that she is working through things, but man! Sometimes I look around and shake my head and half-sigh, half-laugh at our life. Even with all the craziness though, it is still an overwhelmingly good life.
9 comments:
Wow, what a conversation. I am sure it isn't one you ever even imagined having a couple of years ago.
You have handled everything with such grace. I am sure Elena is going to be well adjusted and balanced and fine.
You're way better than we are- we handle Daph's meds all the time. We were never told to do anything different. I sure is hard to get them to understand what is going on. I guess it is good that it is just part of life for them (meaning it is no big deal. they just do their thing). It is hard though.
These are the times when you really wonder about it all. Wow, you gave some good answers though, Elena is a bright girl. I am so amazed by her, we love her so much. Someday she and Erin will have to be good little friends.
You're such a good mom, Briana! That is a tough conversation--so crazy that's just how she knows life. She's such an angelic little personality--what a sweet girl!
wow, it's so hard to know how to handle some questions. what a strong little one! i totally think that it would be a lasting effect on the parents too. you guys are awesome!
I don't think you could have handled that any better. Elena will grow up and this will be a faint memory and she will be and do wonderful things with her life. I have a good friend that I just found out had cancer when she was 13. We talked about it just briefly, but I know things are vague even for her. She is strong and healthy and doing great things. This too shall pass!
Good job handling tough questions. You're a wonderful mom, and Elena will be just fine.
crazy. i can't believe how much elena knows, and that cancer to her is totally "normal." i think elena will do great and be totally fine. she already seems so happy. you guys are giving her a wonderful childhood.
We are continually amazed at the strength your family has! Thanks for helping us all have the correct perspective! You are in our prayers.
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