I thought I was done

Elena was supposed to lose her hair three times in the course of her chemo: first during the initial, hellish phase of Induction; second during the difficult phase of Delayed Intensification (DI); third during the recently completed round of High Dose Methotrexate (HD MTX). She did indeed lose her hair during Induction - within a week and a half of starting chemo - and it was really hard for me to handle at first. After a few months, my feelings did a 180 degree turn around and I LOVED her bald little head. It was fun to rub :) and I became fiercely proud of my brave, bald little fighter, exchanging her hats for headbands and bows. Her hair slowly started growing back and then came DI where it all fell out again. We were ready for it and not one of us even batted an eye. We were happy to have her cute little bald head back. Then came the unexpected round of HD MTX just when we thought we were in Maintenance. Elena's hair had just started coming in again and the nurses told us that they had never seen a patient on HD MTX keep their hair. So we waited and waited for the day when we'd start pulling clumps out again, but it never came. Her hair never fell out. It's been growing in for 7 months now and she has had quite the thick little crop of hair. I even gave her first post-chemo haircut! (The mullet, the mullet, what, what, the mullet....)

Although we marked the end of her bald days with a little sadness, we have fully embraced the return of her hair. It has grown in thick, a little darker than before (we now have a sandy blonde, rather than bleach blonde), and less baby-fine and it's just been in the cutest little "pixie cut" phase. We have constantly been getting comments on how cute it was and how it looked "like an actual style".

Well, today I found tufts of hair again...

But they were these type of tufts - the scissor induced kind rather than the chemo induced kind:

The "altar of sacrifice"

That's right. I want to bawl just looking at that picture. :(

Elena let me sleep in this morning! I awoke to a sweet little voice saying, "Mom, it's time to get up now!" I groggily, half opened my eyes and then shut them again. "Doesn't my hair look short?!" I laid there for a moment and then realization dawned and my eyes flew wide open. Horror. The cute little pixie cut was gone and replaced by random long hair coming down the front of her forehead, short hair on the top of her head, and bald spots dotting various places on her head.

Well, you can only imagine what happened from there... I stormed up out of bed in rage and anguish to go survey the extent of the damage, hissing out every punishment I could think of - no movies for a week, no more princess dresses, timeout forever, and so on.

Besides the "ant trail" of hair (and the bowl of A1 sauce she poured herself for breakfast - apparently she can get into the fridge by herself) and all the hair on the piano bench, there was also another pile on the floor below. We're talking a lot of hair people (well, you know... comparatively. She only had three or four inches to start with.)

Now, I know every mom has to go through the "my child cut their hair!" or "my child cut their sister's/brother's hair!" thing at least once. I know that. I remember my mom going through it with us. But this is seriously unfair. I already went through the losing hair bit- in a different way! This wasn't just any standard stock childhood head of hair she cut off. This was "I have cancer-and used to have no hair-and it's finally growing back for good-and all my family has put their fragile hearts out there by accepting and embracing the hair coming back" hair. This was the first growth. Not two or three years down the line, but two or three months! Ah! It's killing me! I'm so upset there are hardly words. Hence why Elena is sitting across the room in timeout and I'm sitting here trying to get my feelings out in written words rather than in loud, vocalized words at her. :)

...I think it's helping a little. I'm still heartbroken, but feeling a little more accepting of the fact that it happened at it has to be dealt with. So, here we go - here's some of the damage:

These pictures don't do it justice, though:

Bald spots on the top...

Bald spots on the left...

Bald spots on the right...

Naughty, naughty little girl

What do I even do with that??? She didn't touch the back - it's all still long. Just everything on the top, front, and sides is all hacked up to pieces. Some is still the original length, some is short, and some is non-existent (the bald spots). Help! What do I do with her hair?? Do we just shave it again and chalk it up to cancer? Do we take a few(er) steps back and just buzz it to a uniformly short length? Do you think a professional stylist could salvage it in some way?

Deep breaths, Briana, deep breaths. At least we can check this "first" off the list, I guess.