Something that I seem to keep needing to be reminded of

Eric and Elena are at the hospital - it's like our twentieth time in the last three weeks. Lily and I are here at home waiting for them. All we want for Christmas at this house is to stay quietly at home and not have to be constantly wearing out the road between here and Primary's. Eric and I have even been praying for that lately- to just have a quiet, peaceful season and to have Elena healthy until at least Christmas. It's been a long couple of weeks and we're tired and falling behind in about every area of life and racking up the miles quickly on our new car. Welcome to the family, little car. It's what we do.

As I watched Elena's temperature rise this afternoon and then watched Eric carry her out the door, I thought a little bitterly to myself, "Not again! This is the fourth doctor's visit in six days." But then I remembered a couple of things.

First, a couple of talks I've read/heard recently that have mentioned people going through trials who still never complained. They were happy and grateful instead and bore their burdens humbly and everyone was uplifted from being around them. And I remembered something Eric's grandma said last spring. Eric's grandpa is dying - he has Alzheimer's and Lymphoma and he's about completely blind and completely deaf and and and - the list goes on. He's 90+ and he's lived a terrific life, but things are not super fun for him these days. On the rare occasion that he is at a family gathering, he doesn't know (remember) anyone there and he can't see or hear any of what's going on and he just sits quietly. But he never complains. Eric's grandma said that through it all he has never once complained. He just tells her he loves her and talks about what a great life they've had. Through his difficulties he has remained the sweetest man. I need to learn from him.

Next, I remembered some fellow cancer families I know who are going through some really, really awful things. The family spending Christmas in the hospital for another bone marrow transplant because they just found out their daughter's cancer relapsed would love to be in my shoes and get to be at home with a daughter who's cancer is still in remission and then have to go up to the hospital from there - even if it is often. And the family who just found out a few weeks ago that their little baby relapsed again and won't be around for Christmas would give anything to be able to go up to the hospital and receive treatment if it could help them. And those are just two of many examples. Besides the fact that I shouldn't complain, how on earth can I complain when I have been so blessed and spared so much? Instead of looking at what I don't have, I should be focusing on all that I do have.

And then after I'd been sufficiently shamed, I remembered something I read by Henry B. Eyring a few days ago about choosing to be grateful. He reminded us, as he has before, about the benefit of writing down "tender mercies" and blessing we see each day and other things we're grateful for, so that 1. we can focus on all the good that we really do have and keep our perspective and 2. we can have them to look back on as a source of strength and evidence of the Lord's hand in our lives. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time, but tonight I actually started my list. And it helped a lot. It changed my whole perspective on the night.

"Tender Mercies, Blessings, and Things I'm Grateful For"

• paper towels (to clean up throw up rather than towels that you have to wash the chunkiness out of later)
• good weather for Eric and Elena to drive up to the hospital
• getting some one on one time with Lily tonight
• no ants to worry about in the winter
• inspiration that led me to hypoglycemia when we were trying to figure out what was going on with Elena last week. It wasn't clear cut and it wasn't the first thing popping up on google this time. The doctors hadn't picked up on it either. I was definitely inspired to sit down at the computer and do some research and I was led in my searching.
• quiet time around the house tonight to work on some long neglected chores
• the whisperings of the Spirit

It's so frustrating sometimes to be so far into this experience and still feel SO darn flawed. What is it going to take for me to "get it"? But I'm grateful that the Lord is patient and that I continue to be given time and opportunities to learn. We really do have SO much and life is so beautiful, even in the midst of the craziness. That is one of the things that I'm the most grateful for - the chance to change and continually try again.