A Witness

It felt good the minute I hit the publish button on that last post. I needed to get it off my chest. I cried a few tears while writing it and it was good catharsis to get it out of me and send it out into the vast expanse of the world wide web. And then in the interim, I've done a little of pondering and moping and crying and praying. A little of playing with my family, reading a few books, trying to pick up a few new hobbies/projects/interests (me + a sewing machine = interesting times). And I've come to the conclusion that this may just be a weird time in our lives where everything isn't settled or perfect and maybe even still a little bit hard, but it's still a good time, too. I think it may have something to do with the mega-overload of change we've gone through in the past four or five months. Eric's final graduation, entering the work force full time again, moving out of state, and the end of Elena's cancer treatments. That is a lot for just a few months. And I guess it makes sense that my mind is spinning and a little confused. It is how it is right now and that's ok.

A few days ago, I sat down to update the girls' baby books. Poor Lily's started trailing off around 9 months... life was a little crazy. But thankfully, I had posted enough on here to fill in the gaps. As I sat looking through old blog posts for reminders about what she was like at 10, 11, 12 months, I got caught up in rereading and remembering all that has happened over the last couple of years. It has been hard, but we have been so blessed. So blessed that sometimes it was hard to remember that our preschooler had cancer. And I was reminded of a post that I've wanted to write since shortly after Elena was diagnosed. I sat down to do it at various times along the way, but it never quite happened. And now I think it's time.

Shortly before Elena was diagnosed, I was sitting at the kitchen table one afternoon during nap time studying the scriptures. I happened to be in Mosiah 24 (in the Book of Mormon) where Alma and his people are being persecuted by Amulon and the Lamanites. Amulon put tasks and task masters over Alma and his people and persecuted them. The scriptures say that "so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God". At which point, Amulon commanded them to stop praying and put guards over them to watch them; anyone found praying would be put to death. So, Alma and his people didn't pray vocally, but prayed within their hearts to God.

As I was reading, the next few verses hit me with such power:

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

 16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

It's hard to describe what I felt as I read those verses. But simply put, it was the Spirit whispering to me. I don't know, I just knew those verses were for me at that moment. They hit me with such force. It was a feeling I've had only a few times before - like an ominous foreboding, but without the "ominous". Just a serious, clear communication Spirit to spirit about something that I needed to be intensely aware of and prepared for. It was so interesting- it was like my head was telling me to be worried because something bad must be coming, but the Spirit was simultaneously whispering information and peace to my heart at the same moment, so that I didn't feel fear. It was a beautiful, sacred moment of personal revelation that I treasured up and tucked away - hardly imagining how I'd rely on it in such a short time. Every time since Elena's diagnosis that I have reflected back on that experience, I have counted it as one of the sweetest tender mercies. It is amazing to me that our Father in Heaven - Lord above all things - knows me and loves me and is so intimately involved and concerned about my life as to give me such a sweet, personal communication to prepare me for what was ahead. God lives. He knows us. I know that as much as I know anything.

The day after Elena's diagnosis, Eric and I were sitting in her hospital room on the pull out bed across the room from hers talking - making a vague attempt to get our world to stop spinning by talking out loud about what was happening. It was quiet; I think Elena was napping and Lily was eating or sleeping in my arms. I asked Eric to turn to the scripture I had read a week or so before and I recounted my experience. I told him that I knew Heavenly Father was mindful of us and that He would help us to get through whatever was ahead. And again, I felt a warm peace confirming that to me.

And we did - oh did we ever!- feel the Lord's help and blessings all along the way. It is marvelous and miraculous and humbling and amazing to think about. It would be impossible to make one all-inclusive list of all the ways we have seen the Lord's hand in our lives and all the ways our "burdens were made light" or the ways the Lord "strengthened" us to "bear up our burdens with ease". I have kept many little lists and notes along the way of examples we've seen, but I know even those are incomplete. To name a very few:

• the way the Lord guided the events of our lives in the year before Elena's diagnosis, so that we had the best possible insurance when we needed it. We NEVER would have gone that route on our own. It eased so much of the burden of cancer for the majority of treatment.
• the fantastic health care we had access to - clean, competent, and as up to date as anywhere in the world.
• that we had Lily a little earlier than we were "planning". I couldn't imagine delivering a new baby in the midst of everything, which is the timing we had picked for ourselves. Thankfully the Lord knows better.
• that Lily screamed and fussed so terribly the night before Elena's diagnosis, so that I actually got Elena in to a doctor.
• the amazing family members we were surrounded by who brought countless meals to the hospital and our home, babysat Lily for days on end, called to talk, brought gifts, cleaned our house, took weeks off of work to stay with us and help out, shaved their head in support of Elena, took pictures, helped fundraise, gave up sleep, slipped us money, came to events, sent cards when we were housebound, gave blessings, LOVED us, and who we knew would drop anything at any time to be there if we needed it.
• our incredible ward, friends, and strangers who also brought meals, sent cards, gave us so many very generous gifts, donated blood, visited us in the hospital, dropped off homemade bread and jam, came to our "cancer events", took me out to lunch when I needed a break, and so much more.
• our angel landlords who became some of our dearest friends - who were understanding when things were hard for us, who bent over backwards to help in any way they could, who patiently endured Elena's very loud steroid hysterics, and who loved us and our little ladies so dearly. We had to stay at home SO much and I have such fond memories of burdens lifted and hearts cheered as they took our girls for a walk around the backyard, to pick flowers, to go see the chickens, to get cups of ice water from the kitchen, and of them taking our girls upstairs for spaghetti and a movie night.
• the overall strength and faith we were able to keep through some very hard times. I know we were blessed with power beyond our own.
• that Eric graduated not once, but twice in the middle of it all. If you look back at the amount of time available and responsibilities and things on his plate and the overall stressors we had, it just doesn't make sense that it actually happened. Eric had heavenly help for sure.
• the incredible strength and health and resilience Elena's body was blessed with while undergoing chemo. Over and over again, we were stunned at how well Elena tolerated chemo. We joked that she had a stomach of steel. Yes, she felt pretty darn lousy for a long time and had some nasty side effects, to be sure. But overall, she was incredible blessed and carried. It was such a tender mercy not to have to watch her suffer in a lot of ways we thought we would. So many times we braced ourselves for the horrendous side effects the doctors and other people told us about - non-stop vomiting, seizures, paralyzing mouth sores, bone die-off and pain, learning disabilities, etc. I can count on two hands the number of times Elena vomited because of chemo in two and a half years. That is pretty amazing. It was hard for her, but not nearly as hard as it could have been. I know the Lord was with her.
• so many countless, countless things: safety driving so many times back and forth to Primary's - in rain, snow, hail, wind, you name it!; the inspiration to start Greengo back up, so Eric could have flexibility with his work situation; inspiration that helped us make decisions and avoid mistakes at the hospital; AMAZING doctors and nurses that we loved; the sweetness of having a baby Lily to give us some innocent, "normal" joy and distraction; Make A Wish; the cancer friends we made; the most INCREDIBLE, loving, supportive, ward EVER; being blessed to be Elena's parents and watch and learn from her strength and acceptance and faith; and on and on and on and on and on.

Like I said, there's no way I could ever name all of the blessings and help we received. But I can testify - I wish I could shout it from the rooftops for every person to hear!! - I can stand "as a witness for [Him] hereafter... that the Lord God does visit his people in their afflictions". I KNOW He does. He can make our burdens light - so light that even we can't feel them on our backs - even when we are in "bondage". We have felt that time and time again. The Lord knows us and loves us - He is anxious to bless us and help us. He is aware of the intimate details of our lives. If we will act in faith, the Lord can help to strengthen and bear us up, so that we, too, can patiently and cheerfully submit to His will. I sincerely hope that (in spite of my occasional written catharsis) we have been examples of this. We have been stretched and molded and bent to the point of almost breaking, but I know it was for our good. We learned things we needed to know and have started changing in the ways the Lord needs us to in this lifelong process of "becoming". I believe that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives more beautiful than anything we can conceive. If we will be faithful and humble and trust Him and turn our lives over to Him, He will make beautiful things out of the ashes of our trials and heartaches and disappointments. I hope you can see the goodness the Lord has blessed us with and how He has strengthened and helped us. He is so good and merciful.

These things I know of a surety.