The morning after

Around 7am, we asked Kristi to bring the girls home, so we could tell them everything that had happened. Talk about another one of the most terrible conversations you can think about having to have with your kids! Did the whole, "Hey, my two and a half year old, you have cancer and you are going to take medicine that will make you very sick and all of your hair is going to fall out" thing. 

Less than 18 hours earlier, we had given them hugs and kisses and excitedly told them that the next time we saw them, we'd have their little sister to introduce to them. They went off to Danny and Kristi's with eyes as big as on Christmas morning. Over the last few months, they had gasped in amazement as they felt Kate wiggle and squirm under their fingers. They talked to her through my belly. They were so excited to finally meet the baby we had all been anticipating so much! My heart aches now just thinking about seeing their innocent faces, eager with anticipation as they walked through our door the morning after Kate died. 

I heard Lily as she walked through the door exclaim in quiet wonder, "Is Kate here?" Elena looked around wide eyed and smiling. Kristi helped the girls get situated by me on the couch, gave us the run down about morning activities and breakfast and such, hugged us tightly, and then left the four of us alone.

Elena and Lily's questions continued. So, Eric began as gently as he could - telling them that at some point before she came out of my tummy, Kate had died. They began to cry as soon as he said the words. I have sat here trying, but I don't have words to illustrate that scene. It was too much. It is too much. I wish we had been able to give them a sister to love on and be with right now. 

Eric went on and told them that Kate had to go back to live with Heavenly Father. We told them that her body was at a hospital right now and we wanted to take them later to go see her if they wanted to, and that we were really sad that Kate couldn't be with us now, but that we would get to be with her again someday. We held each other and cried together for a while. 

Elena asked some hard questions, "Why did she need to go back to live with Heavenly Father?" "Why did she die?" She has asked many hard questions in the months since then, "If Heavenly Father loves us, then why did Kate have to die?" "My friends at school's moms are pregnant - will their babies die, too?" It is hard to know how to answer those innocent, searching questions. We try the best we can. No matter how much Eric and I have learned for ourselves, those are some pretty heavy concepts to transmit to a six year old. Quite honestly, the sum total of the last four years has been very hard on the girls - especially Elena. They have some very heavy baggage for two so young. And Eric and I pretty much feel like 90 year olds walking around in young people's bodies. But we have faith that the Lord can turn all of this to our good. We have all been utilizing good therapists, we've had some good teaching moments about the Lord's Plan of Salvation, and we talk about death and Kate and eternal families often. The girls surprise us with how often they will bring up seemingly random mentions or questions about Kate or death - when we weren't even aware it was on their minds. From Lily asking me in the car one day if babies can eat soup ("Well, maybe if it's not too chunky." "Okay, well, then I guess Kate probably couldn't eat the curry we had for dinner last night, Mom. I will give her some when she is grown up." "Well, she's dead, sweetie, she's not going to be with us grown up." "No, I will give her some in Heaven when she grows up with us!") to the picture Elena colored yesterday of a tree covered in leaves except for one leaf that had fallen to the ground that she said was Kate. It is a learning experience for us all.

A few hours after Elena and Lily came home, we arranged to meet a photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" at the hospital to take pictures of our family with Kate. It took a little convincing for Elena and Lily to want to come. At first they wanted to, then they didn't. Lily was worried Kate would be a zombie. (Is it bad that we laughed a little?) And Elena just silently, but firmly shook her head no when asked. But after some more talking and coaxing, they said they wanted to go meet Kate. In retrospect (and after reading some brochures about helping siblings deal with death), I am so glad they came! (Apparently, some kids can struggle with trust issues and anger towards their parents if they never actually see the baby. Did the baby actually really exist?) It was heart wrenching to be there. To struggle through our own pain and then add our pain for Elena and Lily on top of that. But it felt good to have our family of five all together for a few moments. And the girls were so sweet and tender with their sister.

Other than that... well... more of the same. It was hard. We all sobbed. Lots. It was excruciating. To feel the emptiness. To see how much Kate had deteriorated overnight. To say goodbye again. But we came out on the other end with a few more precious hours spent on earth with Kate. And some beautiful pictures to remember our sweet girl.

Here are the pictures from the very kind "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" photographer. He is a professional photographer who also had a stillborn baby - a son, many years ago- who donates his time and services to other families in need.

I had to include this one to show Lily's awesome outfit. She dressed herself before we left and we were so deep in our grief, we didn't even notice. Excellent, no?

Our family of five

Anyone who has heard me talk about Kate for more than a minute knows - I LOVE THAT SWEET BABY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!

Many thanks to Gordon Murray of Pixel Photography and Video and "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" for their generosity. And the kind nurses at the hospital. The night shift nurse who was there when Kate was born stayed two hours after her shift to finish up a cast of Kate's hand and footprints and to put together pictures and mementos for us. They went above and beyond. The goodness of people never ceases to amaze me.