Kate's Funeral - 8.8.13

Somewhere in the back of my mind in the hours and day after Kate was born, I had fleeting thoughts (panic) about planning a funeral and burying someone and how in the freaking world do you do that.... cue brain shutting down. Like where is the class on that? Unexpected Funeral Prep 101 - picking yourself up in the midst of utter devastation and confusion and choosing a funeral home, making phone calls, ordering a coffin and buying a cemetery plot, and writing a funeral program, and taking care of a million little details and how to pay for it all immediately. All of that stuff.

Well, the Lord truly carried us and provided for us during that time. We had angels sent to us to help make it all happen. Those angels took many forms and are all so dear to my heart-

• a Relief Society president who spent hours coordinating things and literally drove us to the funeral home and sat with us through the meeting as we made arrangements,

• anonymous (and other not so anonymous) donors who helped pay for all the sudden, unexpected funeral expenses, 

• family members who dropped everything to drive out to be with us when we needed them,

• a ward member who came to serve food after the funeral even though it was her birthday,

• kind friends who brought us food and took our girls to play when we couldn't function,

• dear family members who stepped in to make beautiful, lovingly handmade burial clothing and items for Kate in a matter of days,

• many kind notes, e-mails, calls, texts, and cards expressing support and love from friends, family, and strangers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who served us, gave to us, mourned with us, prayed for us, and loved us. I will never have words to express what it has meant to us. You were the Lord's hands on earth for us and you helped make a difficult time a little easier. We continue to pray that you will be blessed for your kindness.

I will never forget one angel in particular from that week. My sister-in-law, Kristi, was the answer to my inner, desperate cries to the Lord to help us figure everything out and make it through. Living just around the corner from us, she became the eyes, ears, and hands on the ground. I think she went to work - unasked- the moment she found out about Kate. The morning after Kate was born, Kristi stopped by our house with red grapes and dark chocolate covered almonds (two of my favorite things) and a promise that she was working on making things happen and not to worry about any of it. Eric and I pretty much stumbled through the next few days in a blur. But Kristi was in and out of our house with checklists, questions, and a few instructions for us to follow. Miraculously, it seemed to us (although I know it was the result of a lot of hard work on many people's parts), a funeral was planned. A funeral home was contracted with - we just had to go for a meeting and to pick out a coffin. A funeral date, time, place, and program was finalized. Travel plans and accommodations for family were all smoothed out. Flowers were arranged. Food was planned. Burial clothing was gathered. Plane tickets were bought. A burial plot was selected. An out of state burial service was organized. It was amazing. I know she put a lot of hours into organizing and delegating and her own family was probably very neglected. But she was always there. I seriously don't know if there would have been a funeral if it was left up to us - we were a mess. She was an angel to us.

We decided to have Kate's funeral in our ward here in Arizona on Thursday, August 8th. Then we flew to Utah the next morning to have Kate buried in the Provo cemetery on Saturday, August 10th. On Thursday morning, Eric and I went to the funeral home to dress Kate. We had a special collection of things to bury Kate in. Kristi's mom made a gorgeous burial dress for Kate - it was exquisite. And she sewed it in like two days or something. Amazing. I wish we had thought to take a picture of that dress! My mom made a beautiful white blanket for Kate to be wrapped in. We were also advised, since we were having a viewing, to have a hat to bury Kate in because babies' deteriorate quickly after they die and her head might be quite unsightly at that point. We couldn't find anything on such short notice, so Eric's sisters ran all around town gathering up supplies and Eric made a beautiful white, satin hat for Kate. And we took a white bracelet to put on her that Elena and Lily both had worn as babies.

It was difficult to walk myself out to the car and drive to the funeral home. And then difficult to pull myself out of the car. My body seemed to be physically resisting it all. I cried in the lobby after we told the receptionist that we were there to dress our daughter. And it was physically painful to drive away when we finished.

The actual dressing was peaceful, though very hard. The funeral home made me a very sweet necklace with Kate's name on it that was waiting for me when we entered the room. It was nice to have something tangible to leave with after the difficult task of dressing her for burial. And I sure clung to that nameplate around my neck in the days and weeks following. After Kate was dressed we held her for a while. Then we reluctantly said our last private goodbyes and left. How you are supposed to just walk away.... I don't know. It's pretty awful. I'm so grateful for the knowledge I have of eternal families and life after death, but man. Somethings are just really, really hard.

When it was time to go the funeral, I was again filled with dread. Which was an emotion I wasn't expecting. But I really just wished we could somehow skip it all. Or that I could be invisible there watching. The thought of having to actually go through it all seemed awful. But, we made it. Somehow.

Kate's viewing and funeral was lovely. It turned out very beautifully. We met with our family and friends for the hour before the funeral for the viewing and a family prayer. For almost everybody, they met and said goodbye to Kate that day. We felt so blessed to have so many of our loved ones with us. I now understand why Eric's grandma's were so composed and smiling at their husband's funerals (my most recent other experiences with death and funerals). It is an odd thing. But we said our own tearful goodbyes to Kate earlier and we didn't have the strength or emotional capacity to break down anew for every person we talked to that day. It was interesting. I just finally understood that, whereas, before I hadn't. Our brother-in-law, Eric said a beautiful prayer when it was time to close Kate's casket.

I wish I had taken notes or something from the funeral talks, but they were all absolutely perfect. Everything about the program was perfect - from the music we sang to the speakers. Our stake president spoke about personal revelation we could receive about our daughter and the Lord's purposes. Eric gave some very tender and powerful remarks about special spiritual experiences we'd had throughout my pregnancy and with Kate's birth and death. I sure love that man and am grateful for his faith, goodness, and example. And Eric's sister, Christy, gave a beautiful talk about the Plan of Salvation. It was absolutely perfect - every word and sentiment. Here's a small portion from her talk that she shared on her blog - I just love it:

"It is difficult to understand why a child would grow for nine months and be born perfect, but stillborn. To our mortal eyes, it simply does not make sense. I have faith in an all loving, all knowing, and all powerful God who has endless mercy. I know that we are here to be tested. I know that Briana and Eric have already been tested far beyond what anyone would deem fair. But above all, I know that God is merciful. He loves perfectly. He has all knowledge and all power. And he found it necessary to bring Kate home to Him quickly.

Joseph Smith, the first prophet of our church in this dispensation, said, “The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.”  I can’t think of better words to describe Kate than “pure” and “lovely.” 

Brothers and Sisters, I am sorry we are gathering here today in this way. I wish it weren’t the case. But I know that the gospel is true. I know that the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints is God’s restored church on the earth. I know that Heavenly Father has called prophets in our days. I know that Jesus Christ lives, and because He lives, death is never the end. I know these things because, over the course of my life in quiet moments, the Spirit has born witness to me of their truth. I pray that, whether you have heard this doctrine thousands of times, or if this is the first time you are hearing it, the spirit will touch each of our hearts today and testify of the absolute truth of the plan of salvation. I say these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen."

At the viewing

Cousins

Sweet sisters

Our family

After the funeral services, our brothers/brother-in-laws served as the casket bearers. I love these pictures of all these men I love taking careful care of my baby.

Family watching the casket as it was carried away

(all photo credit to our awesome brother in law, Eric. Thank you so much.)