Trials

Mostly this is a long, long post about recent thoughts, feelings, experiences, and insights I've had/found. :)

Trials are funny things. There are all different sorts, of all different magnitudes. And just because you've weathered (or are weathering) some well, doesn't mean that you will automatically bear others well. It's interesting how the "mid-sized" ones can almost effect you more than the big ones or at least be more telling about the state of your faith.

A week ago today our car broke down. Like for good broke down. :( I've gone through varying emotions and states of faith over the last week.

We were on our way to an awesome HopeKids activity - a night at the Corn Maize and Harvest Festival at Thanksgiving Point - but had stopped to get the special, ultra filtered, better than we drink water that our fishies require and the darn thing died as we were pulling out of the parking lot of the fish store. It was kind of one of those punch you in the gut and then oh!-let's-kick-you-again-while-you're-down! moments.

Car-that-you-really-need-to-get-you-the-rest-of-the-way-through-school and-just-spent-$500-repairing-last-week breaks down -- UGH! Take that!

No corn maize-- POW! And that!

And then a 16 block walk home in the dark, cold night with a 5 gallon jug of fish water and two kids in tow --WHAP! And a nice pile drive to the face. (Nachhhho!)

We laughed about all that, though, and started out really hopeful, with smiles on our faces:

"We have towing included in our car insurance - sweet! No out of pocket for that. Thank heavens!"

"At least it happened at the end of the day today, because we HAVE to have a car on Thursdays. And thank heaven we made it through this busy, busy week and had a working car to get where we needed to go. What a blessing!"

"Thankfully we're all dressed warm to go to the corn maize, so we'll be warm for the walk home!"

"And what a blessing that it broke down here in town and not all the way up at Thanksgiving Point (30+ minutes away). This way it's easier to get home."

About 1/2 of the way home a very kind neighbor picked us up and drove us the rest of the way. We walked into the house with our plans in an upheaval and I started feeling a bit overwhelmed. A new car is no where NEAR in the budget! What are we going to do?? We were supposed to be able to milk this car the rest of the way through school. What on earth are we going to do?? At that point, I went back into our room and shut the door and took a few quiet moments to think things through and said a prayer. I came out feeling hopeful again and pretty peaceful.

"Something will work out," I told Eric. "We've seen how much the Lord has taken care of us so far in the timing of all this. He'll continue to provide. You have your bike to get to school in the morning and I have the double stroller to get groceries if we absolutely need anything before we find something."

Sometime during the next day though, I'm ashamed to say, my confidence vanished. It probably happened sometime between the bad report from our mechanic that the car was indeed "nuked" and hearing from the bank that our loan application wasn't likely to get approved because being an almost college graduate, precariously positioned on the threshold between part-time work and full-time work is "too risky". The stress and doubts became a palpable weight on my shoulders and pressure behind my eyes. By 5pm, I was bawling in the driveway to our landlord.

She hugged me and let me get my cry out and then SO kindly and generously offered her car for the night so we could go car shopping, get groceries, whatever. (Have I mentioned we have the world's most incredible landlords?) Eric's amazing sister and her husband took our girls at the last minute and we headed out to car shop.

Car shopping when you're not rich and don't have the luxury of time to find a good deal is not fun. It's kind of like apartment hunting when you're students on a budget. Lots of depressing specimens and feeling like you're getting ripped off. It does a lot to drain the hope out of you. At least out of imperfect me. A glimmer of hope came from a kind text from our landlord at the end of the night telling us that she had another car worked out for the whole week and that we could keep her car all week to give us more time to find something. AMAZING, I tell you! We decided there was no use worrying about it anymore that night and that we'd see what the next day brought, as far as options.

Saturday morning, I enjoyed a kids-free morning at a women's conference with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and heard several inspiring talks about pushing on in the face of adversity and about how the Lord knows us and has power to help us through any circumstances. Rejuvenation! Perspective! About halfway through the day, I ducked out of the conference to continue the car search.

I arrived home filled with all-sorts of charity and benevolence to find Elena in mega time-out for coaxing Lily to join her in slathering lotion all over themselves - hair and all- and the couch, the news that "plan A" (and really, "plan only") had fallen through and that getting a car was going to be next to impossible, and a slightly frazzled, stressed out husband (bless his heart for all he'd put up with that morning) who had been wrangling the kids in the process of receiving the bad news. And well, fickle old me.... after about half an hour of trying to be really calm in the face of it all, you can guess where most of that charity and benevolence went. After Lily was bathed and Elena was sentenced to stay in her room cleaning up until she turned twelve, a lengthy, stressful discussion ensued about how on earth to make things work, with lots of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Towards the end of our conversation, after we'd worked out a tentative solution, I shook my fists in frustration and wondered aloud Why?! Why was this happening now?? I felt like we were so trapped in this situation and that we kept hitting brick wall after brick wall. This car was supposed to make it until Eric was done with school! We needed that car to last. It was the one thing we were depending on to make things work and reach graduation! Why?! Why, in spite of all the blessings I could clearly see in the middle of this trial, why was I having such a hard time with it? Why couldn't I accept it and move forward faithfully? Why was I so fickle? Maybe it was because we are so far removed from the shock of Elena's diagnosis, but it honestly felt like hearing that she had cancer was easier to accept and move forward with than this situation. Which is ridiculous. But hey, it's honestly how it felt. I was seriously sick and disgusted and frustrated with myself for being so shaken up over the situation.

I took a break and went to the bathroom for some tissues and headache medicine. When I came out, Eric had the brilliant idea that I should take some time out and go to the temple - find a little peace and perspective and maybe some of the answers I was wondering about. He'd do some more research while I was gone and we could work on the problem again after I got back. Brilliant.

The temple is an amazing place! One thing that hit me so powerfully on this visit was that it is truly the house of the Lord. That sounds simple, but think about it - it is His house and He lets us come there! It is amazing and SUCH a blessing that we can come be in a place so filled with His presence and so near to Him. A place where we can leave behind all the cares in our lives and find answers and peace and be renewed. What a marvelous blessing!

I was so filled with toxic doubt and fear and overwhelmed with worry, that when I got inside the temple, I could literally feel my soul yearning and gasping and gulping for the peace I felt inside. I had been too busy and too overwhelmed with those feelings to feel that in my normal, everyday life. When I sat down inside the temple, I started to realize just how drained I felt and I surrendered to the quiet, calm, rich Spirit there and let it refuel me. I never experienced it before in quite that way.

I also left the temple feeling a renewed sense of perspective. I was reminded that Heavenly Father created the whole Earth. The universe! Worlds without number! He can surely help me and my family obtain a car. He could make a car appear in our driveway, if He wanted! I felt a stronger, renewed faith that something would work out and to trust in Him.

Lesson 1: When you're facing trials, going to the temple helps! :) Simple, but true. One that I seemed to have forgotten momentarily.

Well, when I got home, we refined our plan. Through a lot of creativity, scrimping, and sacrificing, we found a meager allotment for a car that would hopefully get us through the next while. We researched more cars and made appointments to see a few. And we ended up finding something! It's old, but well-maintained, in good condition, and has low mileage. On Monday, we picked it up and it seems like it'll be a decent car. We're getting used to it's quirks, but enjoying that it is a little roomier than our old car for about the same gas mileage, has a working radio, a working parking brake, no oil leaks, and working AC (well we're not enjoying that now, but anticipating that we will enjoy it next summer :)).

As we drove away from our appointment on Saturday night and had made an agreement for the car, I could feel a tangible burden lifted off my shoulders. The Lord truly does provide. On Sunday a friend in our ward, who had no idea what we'd been dealing with, came up and handed me some gas cards because she "thought they might help". She was inspired. By a loving Heavenly Father who knows us and does provide for us.

I know it's easier to look back on things fondly and optimistically once they are over and have "worked out" for the most part. We are certainly in that position somewhat, but we also have some way to go still through some lean, tricky months ahead. But I feel like I've learned a lot about myself in the last week. It's been a tough week - it was on from one thing to the next thing this week. Monday I spent the day running around trying to finish up errands and securing the car for pick-up. Tuesday Elena woke up very sick and Tuesday night we were in the ER with her until the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Wednesday she was much better, but we were still running around trying to tie up loose ends. And this morning, Elena woke up very sick again and we ended up in clinic for the better part of the day trying to figure out what is going on. (We didn't figure it out, but hope that she'll be on the mend soon. Just waiting...) But the Lord has provided for us in these situations as well: an inspired sister-in-law who didn't know what was going on, but randomly messaged me in the middle of the night when we were up worrying about Elena and offered to take Lily so we could go to the hospital; Elena's fever holding off long enough for me to get the new car tested and registered, a last-minute babysitter for Lily this morning when we were hurrying with Elena up to the hospital.

Lesson 2: The Lord provides. He knows us and He loves us and He is aware of our circumstances.

and

Lesson 3: The Lord gives us many different types of trials - big and small - to help us learn about ourselves and perfect our faith. I was feeling pretty good and strong and submissive with all of the "big" things we've gone through in the last two years, but I was knocked. off. my. rocker. by a "mid-sized" trial last week and realized that I still have a lot of things to learn and areas to work on.

And lastly, I just wanted to share some great scriptures I've come across about trials lately. After I finished the Book of Mormon this last time through, I decided that I wanted to study the New Testament. It had been a while and I LOVE the New Testament and really wanted to study the Savior's life and delve into His teachings from His time on earth. And, wow! The New Testament is such a gold mine! I've come across so many amazing insights and truths. There are some really fantastic ones about adversity that I felt like I was discovering for the first time.

Lesson 4: When you're facing trials, go to the scriptures. Good stuff. :)

2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 14-18

8 We are ^atroubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in ^bdespair;

9 ^aPersecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not ^bdestroyed;

10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

14 Knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus, and shall present us with you.

15 For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the ^athanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God.

16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the ^ainward man is renewed day by day.

17 For our light ^aaffliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and ^beternal ^cweight of glory;

18 While we look not at the things which are ^aseen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not ^bseen are ^ceternal.

2 Corinthians 6:4-10

4 But in all things approving ourselves as the ^aministers of God, in much ^bpatience, in ^cafflictions, in necessities, in distresses,

5 In stripes, in imprisonments, in ^atumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings;

6 By ^apureness, by knowledge, by ^blongsuffering, by ^ckindness, by the Holy Ghost, by ^dlove unfeigned,

7 By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the ^aarmour of^brighteousness on the right hand and on the left,

8 By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers, and yet true;

9 As unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and, behold, we live; as chastened, and not killed;

10 As ^asorrowful, yet alway rejoicing; as ^bpoor, yet making many^crich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.

Phillipians 4: 4,6-7

4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

6 ^aBe afflicted for nothing (the footnotes clarify: "Don't be unduly afflicted about anything"); but in every thing by ^cprayer and supplication with ^dthanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

7 And the ^apeace of God, which passeth all ^bunderstanding, shall ^ckeep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 4:8, 11-13

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are ^atrue, whatsoever things are ^bhonest, whatsoever things are ^cjust, whatsoever thingsare ^dpure, whatsoever things are ^elovely, ^fwhatsoever things are of good report; if there be any ^gvirtue, and if there be any praise,^hthink on these things.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be ^acontent.

12 I know both how to be ^aabased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13 I can do all things through ^aChrist which ^bstrengtheneth me.

Romans 5:3-8

3 And not only so, but we glory in ^atribulations also: knowing that^btribulation worketh ^cpatience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5 And ^ahope maketh not ashamed; because the ^blove of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

6 For when we were yet without ^astrength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet ^asinners, ^bChrist died for us.