"He's here! 1lb 15 oz. born at 8:30. Hyrum Wayne Hoffman Pray he's a fighter. Doing as well as can be expected. Next 48 hours will be telling. Intubated and their working on him in NICU." and a follow up text:
|
Pigs And Dogs
3 days ago
Monday, May 16, 2016
Hyrum and the NICU: Day 0, September 10th, 2014
For the two months we were in the NICU with Hyrum, we mainly communicated and updated his status through texts. So the next several dozen posts will be a brief sum up of our time in the NICU and Hyrum's miraculous progress through those text updates and a few pictures:
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Hyrum's Birthday, part 2
...continued from part 1....
That nurse left the room to call the doctor and the original nurse who had helped me busied herself checking and adjusting a few things.
Eric broke the silence. "So, I'm just trying to figure out my work schedule and what I should tell my boss...Do you think I will need to take work off tomorrow and the next day - do you think there's a good chance something might happen in the next day or two or will it be more of just like monitoring?" Our minds were still focused on the option of extended bedrest and monitoring.
"Uhhh, yes. I would definitely plan on being here," she replied in a tone that communicated more than her few words did.
Eric and I let that sink in, our heads still reeling. What was happening? A few moments later, the nurse who had left to call Dr. Elliott returned with a steroid shot and some news. "Well, here's your first steroid shot. The goal is to have steroids on board for at least 24 hours in order for them to be effective in helping prepare baby's lungs. We'll give you another shot tomorrow. And we are going to continue to update Dr. Elliott, but it looks like there is a good chance we'll need to do a c-section sometime this weekend."
My mind went into panic mode. What?! This is really happening?! Not just a vague possibility of a c-section, but they are actually planning on it? I'm going to have a c-section. I'm going to have a c-section. This can't be happening! And this is so early - 29, maybe 30 weeks. My mind was completely overloaded.
After the steroid shot, another hard braxton hicks contraction came. Again, Hyrum's heart followed the same pattern as before: woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh during the contraction and then a lethargic lub............lub.............lub.............lub........... after the contraction ended. The nurses watched the screen intently and were quiet. Another hard braxton hicks a few minutes later with the same heatbeat pattern over the monitor. The same nurse as before said she was going to go out to call Dr. Elliott again. Eric and I looked at each other tensely.
A few minutes later, the nurse came back in. "Okay, just talked with Dr. Elliott. We are going to do a c-section later tonight. It'll probably be a few hours still because Dr. Elliott is finishing up some things and needs to prep. So we'll just continue to monitor baby and we'll update you more later when Dr. Elliott gets here."
Eric and I were reeling. This was all happening so fast. We were having a hard time changing from extended-hospital-stay-still-pregnant-for-a-while-mode to this-baby-is-coming-soon-and-what-does-that-all-mean mode.
The nurse went on to explain some more about what would happen and another Braxton Hicks contraction came in earnest. Hyrum's heart rate seemed to slow more than ever after the contraction finished. Again, the nurses watched the screen and waited. Another Braxton Hicks contraction and this time there was a little lag with silence after the contraction finished. Come on, baby! Then a very slow lub........................lub.....................lub....................lub that slowly gained speed.
"I really don't like what baby's heart is doing. I am going to go call Dr. Elliott again." The nurse said and quickly walked out of the room.
Just a minute or two later, she was back. "We need to get baby out immediately. Dr. Elliott is on his way right now and we are going to move you to OR to get you ready and we will do a c-section just as soon as you are prepped. The NICU team is going to meet us there."
In less than two hours after arriving at the hospital we had gone from not knowing what was happening to probably staying for a few days to having a c-section that weekend to having a c-section that night to having a c-section NOW. They wheeled my bed to the OR and I am pretty sure that I started going into shock. My mind was a jumble, my heart was racing, and I felt so confused, yet also strangely peaceful and resigned. It was a strange slightly out of body experience as I lay there trying to wrap my brain around what was about to happen. While they were readying the OR, they had me in a prep room where they started an IV, gave me some magnesium through the IV (to try and protect Hyrum's brain since he would be so early), shaved all my nether regions (so lovely), and inserted a catheter (OUCH!!!! pretty sure getting a catheter in when you are contracting and scared and tense out of your wits might be ranked up there with natural childbirth). This all happened in a matter of minutes and they went out to check on Dr. Elliott's whereabouts. Eric gave me a quick priesthood blessing.
The nurses came back in to let us know that Dr. Elliott would be here and ready in about 15 minutes or less and we would head into the OR now to start the anesthesia. Anesthesia! I had forgotten. One thing I did know about c-sections from a few birth stories I'd read was that there were a few options for anesthesia - a spinal which would be similar to an epidural and I'd be awake or a general which would knock me completely out. And I knew that most emergency c-sections had to be done under a general if an epidural wasn't already started because there wasn't time to wait. Oh, how I wanted to be awake! We didn't even know if Hyrum was going to make it. I did not want to be asleep for hours and miss those moments -however they turned out.
"Could I get a spinal instead of a general? "I asked. "I really want to be awake."
The nurse thought for a moment. "Well, yes, if we go right now. There is probably just time before Dr. Elliott gets here. Dad, you come with me and get scrubbed up and they will wheel mom into the OR to get the spinal going. We've got to hurry."
I count the timing of everything, so that they could just squeak in a spinal, as one of the many miracles and blessings of that night. It was such a tender mercy!
Eric got scrubbed and gowned up:
And I met the super sweet nurse anesthetist and anesthesiologist in the OR. The nurse anesthetist was very friendly and gentle and I could have kissed him after he started the spinal and the pain from that dang catheter finally disappeared and that tingly, warm feeling spread all over me and relaxed away some of my fear. As long as I felt so tingly and warm, it couldn't be too bad, right? Haha. Gotta love that crazy anesthesia feeling. The anesthesiologist was this extraordinarily sweet old man who stayed by my head the whole time Dr. Elliott did the c-section and tried to reassure me. He totally lied through his teeth about how they were just "tugging a little on my stomach" when they started to cut into me. :) The dialogue from the other side of the curtain let me know exactly what was going on, but it still makes me smile to think about that sweet old man trying to calm me with a kind little lie.
Eric came in, after what seemed like an extra long time, but was probably really only a few minutes. I had no idea what was happening and I was worried they would try to start without him.
Dr. Elliott came in to the room a moment later and introduced himself briefly. Interesting how I had never even heard of him before that afternoon- let alone seen him. Life is funny. He gave us his quick assessment of the situation. Baby was in severe distress and he wasn't sure if he would even be alive when they got him out, but they were hoping for the best. He introduced us to some of the NICU team, including Dr. Lang who would be Hyrum's primary NICU doctor. In a few more sentences he summarized the basics of the surgery he'd be doing and then he quickly went to the other side of the curtain to begin.
The c-section was odd. I don't know what I expected. I guess coming off of my last birth experience with Kate - a dynamic, charged, gorgeous natural birth - this seemed so passive and anticlimactic. In spite of being packed with an assortment of doctors and nurses form various teams in the hospital, the room was near silent. Everyone was watching and waiting. It seemed like everyone was holding their breath.
There was just some quiet, intermittent words from Dr. Elliott and his assistant - requests for a tool, or some comment for the record. I couldn't see a thing since the curtain was up (probably for the best because me and bloody internal organs don't do so well together), so I just relied on their commentary to know what was going on.
"Steroids on board?" Dr. Elliott asked.
"No, one dose given about 45 minutes ago." A nurse briefed him.
"If you do the incision between here and here, I find that's best." Dr. Elliott's voice.
"Scalpel." Dr. Elliott again.
A few more words. Then silence. And then, so quietly I almost missed it, Dr. Elliott said, "Baby's out. Time?"
"8:30." Another voice answered.
Baby's out! Really? So quiet! No cries. No joyous exultations. Just a silent OR. No one even said anything to me about Hyrum being born. Eric and I looked at each other an exchanged faint smiles at the news that Hyrum was here. But worry still creased our brows as the NICU team whisked over and grabbed Hyrum and took him to a corner of the room where an incubator and other equipment was waiting and Eric followed to get as close as he could without being in the way.
We were told later that Hyrum was in severe respiratory distress when he was born. On top of the lack of oxygen for who knows how long in the womb, his little lungs were severely underdeveloped for life outside the womb and couldn't inflate on their own. The NICU team worked quietly and intensely to help Hyrum through those critical moments after birth and get him stabilized, as Dr. Elliott worked on stitching me back up. I felt so helpless laying on that table across the room - what felt like miles from my baby. I wished someone would talk about what they were doing and give me updates!
That nurse left the room to call the doctor and the original nurse who had helped me busied herself checking and adjusting a few things.
Eric broke the silence. "So, I'm just trying to figure out my work schedule and what I should tell my boss...Do you think I will need to take work off tomorrow and the next day - do you think there's a good chance something might happen in the next day or two or will it be more of just like monitoring?" Our minds were still focused on the option of extended bedrest and monitoring.
"Uhhh, yes. I would definitely plan on being here," she replied in a tone that communicated more than her few words did.
Eric and I let that sink in, our heads still reeling. What was happening? A few moments later, the nurse who had left to call Dr. Elliott returned with a steroid shot and some news. "Well, here's your first steroid shot. The goal is to have steroids on board for at least 24 hours in order for them to be effective in helping prepare baby's lungs. We'll give you another shot tomorrow. And we are going to continue to update Dr. Elliott, but it looks like there is a good chance we'll need to do a c-section sometime this weekend."
My mind went into panic mode. What?! This is really happening?! Not just a vague possibility of a c-section, but they are actually planning on it? I'm going to have a c-section. I'm going to have a c-section. This can't be happening! And this is so early - 29, maybe 30 weeks. My mind was completely overloaded.
After the steroid shot, another hard braxton hicks contraction came. Again, Hyrum's heart followed the same pattern as before: woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh during the contraction and then a lethargic lub............lub.............lub.............lub........... after the contraction ended. The nurses watched the screen intently and were quiet. Another hard braxton hicks a few minutes later with the same heatbeat pattern over the monitor. The same nurse as before said she was going to go out to call Dr. Elliott again. Eric and I looked at each other tensely.
A few minutes later, the nurse came back in. "Okay, just talked with Dr. Elliott. We are going to do a c-section later tonight. It'll probably be a few hours still because Dr. Elliott is finishing up some things and needs to prep. So we'll just continue to monitor baby and we'll update you more later when Dr. Elliott gets here."
Eric and I were reeling. This was all happening so fast. We were having a hard time changing from extended-hospital-stay-still-pregnant-for-a-while-mode to this-baby-is-coming-soon-and-what-does-that-all-mean mode.
The nurse went on to explain some more about what would happen and another Braxton Hicks contraction came in earnest. Hyrum's heart rate seemed to slow more than ever after the contraction finished. Again, the nurses watched the screen and waited. Another Braxton Hicks contraction and this time there was a little lag with silence after the contraction finished. Come on, baby! Then a very slow lub........................lub.....................lub....................lub that slowly gained speed.
"I really don't like what baby's heart is doing. I am going to go call Dr. Elliott again." The nurse said and quickly walked out of the room.
Just a minute or two later, she was back. "We need to get baby out immediately. Dr. Elliott is on his way right now and we are going to move you to OR to get you ready and we will do a c-section just as soon as you are prepped. The NICU team is going to meet us there."
In less than two hours after arriving at the hospital we had gone from not knowing what was happening to probably staying for a few days to having a c-section that weekend to having a c-section that night to having a c-section NOW. They wheeled my bed to the OR and I am pretty sure that I started going into shock. My mind was a jumble, my heart was racing, and I felt so confused, yet also strangely peaceful and resigned. It was a strange slightly out of body experience as I lay there trying to wrap my brain around what was about to happen. While they were readying the OR, they had me in a prep room where they started an IV, gave me some magnesium through the IV (to try and protect Hyrum's brain since he would be so early), shaved all my nether regions (so lovely), and inserted a catheter (OUCH!!!! pretty sure getting a catheter in when you are contracting and scared and tense out of your wits might be ranked up there with natural childbirth). This all happened in a matter of minutes and they went out to check on Dr. Elliott's whereabouts. Eric gave me a quick priesthood blessing.
The nurses came back in to let us know that Dr. Elliott would be here and ready in about 15 minutes or less and we would head into the OR now to start the anesthesia. Anesthesia! I had forgotten. One thing I did know about c-sections from a few birth stories I'd read was that there were a few options for anesthesia - a spinal which would be similar to an epidural and I'd be awake or a general which would knock me completely out. And I knew that most emergency c-sections had to be done under a general if an epidural wasn't already started because there wasn't time to wait. Oh, how I wanted to be awake! We didn't even know if Hyrum was going to make it. I did not want to be asleep for hours and miss those moments -however they turned out.
"Could I get a spinal instead of a general? "I asked. "I really want to be awake."
The nurse thought for a moment. "Well, yes, if we go right now. There is probably just time before Dr. Elliott gets here. Dad, you come with me and get scrubbed up and they will wheel mom into the OR to get the spinal going. We've got to hurry."
I count the timing of everything, so that they could just squeak in a spinal, as one of the many miracles and blessings of that night. It was such a tender mercy!
Eric got scrubbed and gowned up:
And I met the super sweet nurse anesthetist and anesthesiologist in the OR. The nurse anesthetist was very friendly and gentle and I could have kissed him after he started the spinal and the pain from that dang catheter finally disappeared and that tingly, warm feeling spread all over me and relaxed away some of my fear. As long as I felt so tingly and warm, it couldn't be too bad, right? Haha. Gotta love that crazy anesthesia feeling. The anesthesiologist was this extraordinarily sweet old man who stayed by my head the whole time Dr. Elliott did the c-section and tried to reassure me. He totally lied through his teeth about how they were just "tugging a little on my stomach" when they started to cut into me. :) The dialogue from the other side of the curtain let me know exactly what was going on, but it still makes me smile to think about that sweet old man trying to calm me with a kind little lie.
Eric came in, after what seemed like an extra long time, but was probably really only a few minutes. I had no idea what was happening and I was worried they would try to start without him.
Just waiting for Dr. Elliott and about to begin
Dr. Elliott came in to the room a moment later and introduced himself briefly. Interesting how I had never even heard of him before that afternoon- let alone seen him. Life is funny. He gave us his quick assessment of the situation. Baby was in severe distress and he wasn't sure if he would even be alive when they got him out, but they were hoping for the best. He introduced us to some of the NICU team, including Dr. Lang who would be Hyrum's primary NICU doctor. In a few more sentences he summarized the basics of the surgery he'd be doing and then he quickly went to the other side of the curtain to begin.
The c-section was odd. I don't know what I expected. I guess coming off of my last birth experience with Kate - a dynamic, charged, gorgeous natural birth - this seemed so passive and anticlimactic. In spite of being packed with an assortment of doctors and nurses form various teams in the hospital, the room was near silent. Everyone was watching and waiting. It seemed like everyone was holding their breath.
Dr. Lang (left) and the NICU team watching
There was just some quiet, intermittent words from Dr. Elliott and his assistant - requests for a tool, or some comment for the record. I couldn't see a thing since the curtain was up (probably for the best because me and bloody internal organs don't do so well together), so I just relied on their commentary to know what was going on.
"Steroids on board?" Dr. Elliott asked.
"No, one dose given about 45 minutes ago." A nurse briefed him.
"If you do the incision between here and here, I find that's best." Dr. Elliott's voice.
"Scalpel." Dr. Elliott again.
A few more words. Then silence. And then, so quietly I almost missed it, Dr. Elliott said, "Baby's out. Time?"
"8:30." Another voice answered.
Baby's out! Really? So quiet! No cries. No joyous exultations. Just a silent OR. No one even said anything to me about Hyrum being born. Eric and I looked at each other an exchanged faint smiles at the news that Hyrum was here. But worry still creased our brows as the NICU team whisked over and grabbed Hyrum and took him to a corner of the room where an incubator and other equipment was waiting and Eric followed to get as close as he could without being in the way.
We were told later that Hyrum was in severe respiratory distress when he was born. On top of the lack of oxygen for who knows how long in the womb, his little lungs were severely underdeveloped for life outside the womb and couldn't inflate on their own. The NICU team worked quietly and intensely to help Hyrum through those critical moments after birth and get him stabilized, as Dr. Elliott worked on stitching me back up. I felt so helpless laying on that table across the room - what felt like miles from my baby. I wished someone would talk about what they were doing and give me updates!
At the ultrasound earlier in the day, they had estimated Hyrum's weight to be somewhere around 3 1/2 lbs. We were all shocked that he was so small. Although he was born at 29 weeks, we were told he was more around the size of a micro-preemie.
That bulb syringe looks huge!
Finally somewhat stable, they rushed Hyrum to the NICU.
We decided Eric should go with Hyrum while I was taken to the recovery room for monitoring. I lay there alone for a while thinking and wondering about everything that had just happened. Dr. Elliott came in to debrief with me. He was amazed that Hyrum made it. He was not expecting that. He thought, given our history, that we should check for an automimmune disorder I might have - among other things- that could possibly explain why Hyrum stopped getting oxygen through the placenta (which ended up coming back negative). They would draw some labs and send them out for testing. He had talked to Stephanie and filled her in on everything (I heart Dr. Elliott for being so respectful of our relationship and including Stephanie and keeping her informed!!). He left me with some post-op information and said he would check in on me in the morning.
Then Dr. Lang, from the NICU, came in to fill me in on Hyrum's progress. He had a really rough start, but was mostly stable. They were monitoring him closely. The next 24-48 hours would be very telling. We should come visit him in the morning.
And finally Eric came back in and we caught each other up on our various conversations with doctors. After the requisite observation time had passed, I was wheeled up to a recovery room in the antepartum wing. (Blessedly I got to stay there for a few days before I had to get moved over to the stinking postpartum wing with all the moms and their full term babies in their rooms. There needs to be a separate wing for moms that don't fit in that box. Because that was some kind of torture, let me tell you what.)
Trying to move from the bed they had wheeled me up in to the new bed was crazy! I hadn't been able to anticipate what having your abs sliced in half does to your ability to move. Apparently those are important muscles. :) I had a restless night as I kept waking up every hour or so in pain or to pump or with that weird,"Where am I? feeling you get sometimes waking up in the middle of the night in a strange place.
It was a challenging, interesting, busy time. I had to set to work right away pumping. The NICU doctors - Dr. Lang especially- were very passionate about the fact that my breastmilk was absolutely critical for Hyrum. (Awesome!! I'm so grateful for that!) The NICU eagerly awaited my first delivery of milk. And I was proud and grateful that with a hospital grade double pump, I actually could produce a decent amount of milk by pumping. (Something I'd always had trouble with in the past.) The Lord truly blessed us.
In the morning, we got to go visit Hyrum and I got to see him in person for the first time!
At the beginning, it was important to mimic the womb and keep his room dark as much as possible. (The blue light was light therapy for jaundice.) At first he was hooked up to SO many tubes and wires and machines to help keep him alive and he was on a ventilator to breathe for him.
But, occasionally, when needed, we could turn on the lights. We were instructed that we could touch Hyrum gently with clean hands by reaching through the little doors called "ports" on his incubator and placing a hand in a cupping motion around him. We couldn't stroke or rub him because with very little preemies it is too much stimulation and their skin is so delicate.
My first time touching Hyrum - such a special moment! He was the sweetest, tiniest little thing.
Eric and Hyrum. We quickly learned that Hyrum loved to grasp our fingers. He didn't really react or respond to us at all, for a while, except for that. It was adorable and melted our hearts pretty much instantly.
More finger grasping. :)
That afternoon Stephanie and Crystal (who had been Stephanie's assistant at Kate's birth) came to see how I was doing and visit Hyrum. It was pretty neat having things come full circle like that. Stephanie will forever hold a special place in our hearts for her part in helping us bring Kate and Hyrum into the world. We are grateful she listened to the Lord the day that Hyrum was born and pushed for me to get in to the perinatologist. Hyrum was very close to not making it. We are so grateful for her! And Stephanie had her first baby via c-section and then went on to have all home births after that. HBAC, what! I don't know what the future will hold or what will be possible, but she is an inspiration to me!
I had a lot of recovering and pumping to do, so we left our little man all snug in his cocoon for a little while.
We had other visits from dear family those first days (and many more in the weeks after). My sister-in-law, Kristi brought some BYU swag for Hyrum's room and the most lifesaving pumping bra that allowed me to pump hands free (a game changer since I was pumping 8 or more times a day for about a half hour each!) And Eric's sister Jenny and her husband Eric came to visit, as well. It felt so good seeing familiar faces in the middle of the chaos. Eric and brother in law Eric gave Hyrum a blessing that first day in the NICU. It was such a special experience. We know that Hyrum's miraculous, expectation defying progress was a direct result of that blessing and a lot of prayers and faith.
And so that is the story of Hyrum's birth. And the beginning of our long haul in the NICU. Hyrum is a miracle! We have been so blessed. We know that God lives and that He loves us and blesses us. We know His miraculous power healed Hyrum and sustains our family every day.
Hyrum's Birth day, part 1
Whew! And fifteen months later, here we are! Finally, Hyrum's birth story! :) He is a busy, wonderful, crazy, amazing baby. Who I have affectionately nicknamed "Squid" or "Squidlet". Wonderful and squishy and totally crazy and smart and mischievous and cute, cute, cute! Currently his favorites are: destroying any order he sees (unfolding folded laundry, pulling things off shelves, etc.), going up and down the stairs, banging on anything and everything he sees, and eating new foods (except dairy and soy and eggs - food protein intolerances just like Lily). He gives some awesome snuggles and will take a step or two by himself if we trick him into it. He is awesome and we sure love him!
Here's the story of Hyrum's birth day. And what a day it was! Fifteen months later and it still seems like a blur and I'm not sure I totally know what happened. :) It was a day of opposites- fear of what might happen and what was unknown, faith that The Lord was with us; great disappointment about the loss of a much hoped for birth experience and quiet home centered newborn period, overwhelming joy at the safe arrival of our son; pain, and relief- both physical and emotional. It was, above all though, a day of miracles. Once again in spite of the hard things and disappointments and worries- like Kate's birth- I can say that I felt that hand of The Lord with us every step of the way. He was watching over us and I know that He blessed us with many miracles and tender mercies. The ultimate blessing being the wiggly, sweet, bright-eyed little guy who has joined our family. I am in love with that little cutie. And I am so thankful and in awe of the fact that he is here with us and thriving.
So here we go:
Tuesday, September 9th, was a pretty typical day around the house. We were recently recovered from some nasty colds and getting back into the swing of things. Breakfast, chores, and homeschool in the morning, lunch with Eric, and then we babysat cousins in the afternoon. A little bit of chat with my sister in law when she came for the kids and then I made dinner, after which Eric left for a night of meetings. I realized at some point in the afternoon that I hadn't felt the baby move much. You could say I was a liiiiittllle hyper aware and vigilant about baby movements this pregnancy. I made a mental note of it and tried to tune in to my body more over the next few hours to see if I felt more movement. No need to freak out just yet, I told myself, sometimes he has a quiet day. And I had been busy and could have just missed them.
Just after I got the girls in bed, that nagging feeling came to the forefront of my mind: still no baby movement to speak of. Normally Hyrum was very active. He would wake up with me in the mornings and start kicking and wiggling around. Every morning I'd roll over from my left side to heave my big belly out of bed and like clockwork, he'd start dancing. But nothing that morning and just a quick kick or two all day. Hmmm... Time for the snack and sugary juice trick. I ate a few crackers and gulped down a random juice box we had in the pantry and waited. Around 10:30 pm, Eric and I were winding down for the night and talking about our day. In the middle of something totally unrelated, I randomly burst out, "I wish this little baby would move! He's making me nervous." I explained that I hadn't felt Hyrum moving really all day and I'd even tried the food and juice trick with no success. We debated back and forth about what to do and decided that it would be good to run it past Stephanie, my midwife, and see what she thought. Stephanie told me a few more things to try and to text her in about 45 minutes and let her know if that got baby moving. Forty five minutes later, I only had one weak "pop" to report - which made for two, maybe three weak "pops" I had felt all day. Definitely not normal for our active little guy. Stephanie said we could wait until the morning and I could come in or I could stop by her house right away to have a listen with the doppler. Having walked through Kate's birth with us, she was quick to offer any sort of help or reassurance she could to me during this pregnancy, It wasn't the first time I had made an unscheduled visit to listen with the doppler and calm my fears. So I got dressed and sped down the highway with my stomach in knots and my heart racing. It was too sickeningly familiar. Move, baby, move!!
When I got to Stephanie's house, I hardly had time for a "hello", before she told me to go lay on the couch while she grabbed her doppler. She knew my mind was only on one thing. I held my breath as she moved the probe to my belly, trying to prepare myself for the worst.... assuming he was dead was the only defense I had. Hope was somewhere there in the background, but when you've been through it once, your mind does a funny dance between hope and self-protection and fear and logic in those moments. Immediately, that blessed woosh-woosh came over the speaker. I exhaled a bit. The woosh-woosh was noticeably slower than I'd ever heard it.
"There he is," Stehpanie cooed. And then she was quiet as she prodded and shook my belly a bit. The woosh-wooshing sped up to a more normal speed. We sat there quietly for another minute and just listened. Perfect. No more slow-downs, no blips - a gorgeous sounding heartbeat. Stephanie held the probe in place, so I could listen for a while longer, while we talked. I shed a few tears and talked more about his movements that day and my fears during this pregnancy and how I wished I could fast forward and have this baby safely here. After listening and talking for a few minutes, Stephanie went over the plan for the next day. She said his heartrate was slow when we first started listening, but sped up when she stimulated him and that was good. So, she thought we should give it a little more time and see what he did. I should pay attention to his movement in the morning and check back in with her in the late afternoon - to give him most of the day to wake up and have a chance to move. If his movement wasn't back to normal, I should go get an ultrasound and work up done just to take a peek inside and see what was going on. We said goodnight and I went home- pacified for the moment, but still slightly uneasy- to get a little bit of sleep.
Wednesday, September 10th, I was up early to babysit a friend's kids. All morning as I fixed breakfast and tended kids and did housework, I had half of my mind trained on my belly, waiting for baby movement. Nothing. All was quiet. Was I too busy with kids and just missed it? I questioned. By about 11 am, friends had left, I still hadn't felt Hyrum move, and the nagging feeling in the back of my mind was too much to ignore. Although I was still supposed to give Hyrum six or so more hours before calling it, I just knew something wasn't right and I felt a great sense of urgency. So I left a message for Sunny, the ultrasound tech, and texted Stephanie, "Hey, I know it's early, but this baby still isn't moving and I'm worried. I left a message with Sunny just to give her a heads up because I'm pretty sure I will need to get an ultrasound."
A minute later my phone rang - it was Stephanie. She said that she just didn't feel right about things and she wanted me to go in immediately for a detailed scan and non-stress test with a perinatologist. She would make a phone call and call me right back. I sprang into action and ran to get a quick shower. It could be several hours before they could fit me in, but I wanted to be ready. Stephanie called back with more details about the perinatologist - it was a great clinic with doctors she really respected and had a good relationship with, I should get over there as soon as they could get me in, etc, etc. A few minutes after that, the perinatologist's office called me and told me to be to their office at 2pm.
Stephanie told me later about her experience that morning. She was at lunch with a friend and when she got my text, walked outside and called me immediately. She felt strongly about what needed to happen. She called this perinatologist's office - Dr. Elliott, who happened to be one of the leading high-risk/early birth perinatologists in the entire United States (people fly from across the country to Arizona, so that he can be their doctor), and totally phoned in a favor. They were originally not going to be able to get me in for several days, but she pulled some strings and made it happen. When she was scheduling the appointment, she had to terminate care with me (due to some rather ridiculous and unfortunate new laws Arizona passed.... grrr...), meaning even if everything was fine and I got a totally green light on baby, home birth, etc, Stephanie would no longer be legally allowed to provide care for me as my midwife. A pretty big decision. And one I am glad I didn't know at the time that she had needed to make! Anyways, so they asked her if she was terminating care and she said yes without hesitation. She told me that after the words came out of her mouth, she thought, "Wait, what? Really?" But that she felt so inspired that that was absolutely what needed to happen and she was able to act clearly and decisively. The Lord was definitely guiding things.
So, I updated Eric with the plan and asked if he could bring over a friend from work at lunch to help give me a blessing before we left for the appointment. In the blessing, I was told that the baby would be ok. I felt peace which I was grateful for after the turbulent night and morning I had. We dropped Elena and Lily off at Danny and Kristi's house and were on our way.
As we began the ultrasound, both Eric and I were holding our breath. What would we see on that screen? My mind was flashing back to that small triage room in the hospital where we found out that Kate had died. The image of our baby came up on the screen and at once I was divided between feeling relief and feeling sick. A steady little heartbeat was thump-thumping very clearly. Exhale. The worst hadn't happened. And yet... that beautiful baby was completely still - absolutely motionless except for that little heart fluttering. The memory of Kate's lifeless body in an ultrasound picture flooded my mind. Ugh- my stomach dropped. He looked exactly the same except for the bit of motion coming from his heart. What was going on? When you are having your fourth kid, you know that babies are never that still in an ultrasound - not even when they are sleeping. It was eerie. The ultrasound tech checked a few things and then said she wanted a doctor to be there for the rest of the ultrasound. After she left the room, Eric and I talked about what we had seen. We were both disconcerted from what we had seen. We could tell something was wrong, but didn't know what. Dr. Elliott wasn't available, but another very nice doctor came back in with the ultrasound tech. A few minutes later, she started explaining things. They couldn't tell why, but it appeared that the baby was not receiving oxygen through the placenta. There were some signs of distress, they hadn't been able to locate his stomach (he hadn't been eating due to the lack of oxygen depleting his energy), and he was obviously very still, also due to the lack of oxygen. So, the short answer was that we needed to get to a hospital with a very good NICU immediately. As for what exactly was going to happen? They couldn't say for sure. At the very least, I would be in the hospital for several days of monitoring, probably some oxygen therapy in the hopes of increasing the available oxygen to the baby, etc. Or I could be headed to the hospital for extended bedrest, monitoring, and oxygen therapy for however longer I was able to safely stay pregnant. Or, at the very extreme end, I could be delivering this baby immediately. It would just depend on what happened over the next little while with monitoring and what the doctor thought. We counseled with the doctor and Stephanie about different hospitals and doctors. Hands down, everyone recommended Dr. Elliott as my doctor and Banner Good Samaritan and it's level 3 NICU in Phoenix. It was a tremendous blessing that we had such amazing resources located so close to us. The doctor said she would start making arrangements and to plan on arriving at the hospital soon.
Our heads were swimming. Life is crazy how you can wake up thinking that day will be like the day before and then all of a sudden everything is different forever. And yet, "crisis health mode" is so familiar to us, we knew what to do. We started making phone calls as we drove home to pack a bag. Danny and Kristi said they would keep our kids for the next few days while we tried to get more of an idea what was happening. We were in and out of our house in 15 minutes and then went to stop in and see the girls. Elena was very frightened about what was going to happen to the baby and very upset that we were going to the hospital. Fresh on her mind was everything that we'd been through a year earlier with Kate. We showed her pictures of Hyrum from the ultrasound we'd just had and tried to laugh with her about what a cute, silly baby he was. We assured her that he hadn't died and that they would take good care of him at the hospital. It was hard. Her poor little mind has had enough of everything that has happened over the last five years. We said goodbye and zipped off to the hospital.
On the drive to the hospital, we tried to size up what we might be facing. I had recently come across a story of a woman whose water broke at 19 weeks and was in the hospital for a few months on extended bedrest before their son was born early and went to the NICU. Extended bedrest and monitoring in the hospital seemed like the probable course of action to me. I told Eric how much I was terrified of a c-section and that I hardly had words to express how much I didn't want a c-section. It was at the top of my list of terrible things that could happen to me. And here I was staring the possibility of a c-section squarely in the face. I silently cursed myself for being so fearful and obstinent and ignorant that I wouldn't ever read the chapters on "In case you have a c-section" or watch the videos or even consider the possibility of preparing for one and educating myself on them. Lesson learned: you can run and hide and pretend like something you fear won't happen to you if you don't think about it or prepare for it, but it doesn't actually work like that.
We arrived at the hospital and checked in (frustrating freaking hospital billing.... how can they tell you they have an "estimated cost" for your stay and demand immediate payment on that when no one actually knows what in the world is going on with you and what you will need?! That is a rant for another day....). We headed to the antepartum ward and were shown to a room. The nurses instructed me to get settled quickly and get into bed as fast as possible, so we could start monitoring the baby. I changed my clothes and shed a few bitter tears of disappointment about where I found myself. I saw all my dreams and hopes for a peaceful, dimly lit waterbirth in my living room flying out that darn fourth floor hospital window. There was only a moment for thoughts like that; I got into bed and paged the nurse back in. She was a gem of a woman- sweet and friendly and she had just had her first baby via c-section 8 months earlier. I really appreciated her.
A couple of nurses filed in and started hooking me up to monitors, preparing paperwork, asking us medical history questions, and so on. We were told that the plan would unfold over the next few days as we watched how things went. Tonight we would mostly just be monitoring things, keeping me off my feet, and getting a shot of steroids to help prepare baby's lungs in case he needed to come early. Standard procedure. In the morning, we would have an ultrasound and talk to the doctor.
I was having some in-tense, very regular Braxton Hicks contractions and we listened to Hyrum's heartbeat while we answered questions. Everyone in the room paused as we heard a very distinct slowing to the rhythm of Hyrum's heartbeat. Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh....lub......lub......lub......lub......lub........lub.
A nurse prodded my belly a bit. Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh. Huh. We listened for another few seconds and the nurse looked at the contraction monitor and then started asking more registration questions.
I felt everything tighten as another hard Braxton Hicks contraction came. A minute later it was over and my body loosened up again. All of a sudden the pattern on the heartrate monitor changed: ...lub.....lub.....lub......lub........lub.
Come on, baby! What is going on? I shouted in my head.
The nurses looked at the contraction monitor again. "You just finished a contraction."
"Yes, a big Braxton Hicks." I replied.
Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh. Hyrum's heartbeat went back to normal about 10 second later.
The nurses checked a few things on the monitors and made a bit of small talk with us, but didn't resume asking questions. "Here comes another contraction," I told them as another strong Braxton Hicks began.
Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh.....
"Ok, it's ending." I informed everyone. Lub.......lub........lub.......lub.......lub.......lub. Again, Hyrum's heartrate slowed down to what seemed painfully slow.
"Baby's heart rate is deceling after the contraction finishes. That isn't what we want to see. It shouldn't be doing that." The nurse explained. "I'm going to go out and put a call in to the doctor and talk to him about it and see what he wants to do. Your steroid shot should be here soon."
To be continued...
************************************************
Here's the story of Hyrum's birth day. And what a day it was! Fifteen months later and it still seems like a blur and I'm not sure I totally know what happened. :) It was a day of opposites- fear of what might happen and what was unknown, faith that The Lord was with us; great disappointment about the loss of a much hoped for birth experience and quiet home centered newborn period, overwhelming joy at the safe arrival of our son; pain, and relief- both physical and emotional. It was, above all though, a day of miracles. Once again in spite of the hard things and disappointments and worries- like Kate's birth- I can say that I felt that hand of The Lord with us every step of the way. He was watching over us and I know that He blessed us with many miracles and tender mercies. The ultimate blessing being the wiggly, sweet, bright-eyed little guy who has joined our family. I am in love with that little cutie. And I am so thankful and in awe of the fact that he is here with us and thriving.
So here we go:
(29 weeks - About three days before Hyrum was born)
Tuesday, September 9th, was a pretty typical day around the house. We were recently recovered from some nasty colds and getting back into the swing of things. Breakfast, chores, and homeschool in the morning, lunch with Eric, and then we babysat cousins in the afternoon. A little bit of chat with my sister in law when she came for the kids and then I made dinner, after which Eric left for a night of meetings. I realized at some point in the afternoon that I hadn't felt the baby move much. You could say I was a liiiiittllle hyper aware and vigilant about baby movements this pregnancy. I made a mental note of it and tried to tune in to my body more over the next few hours to see if I felt more movement. No need to freak out just yet, I told myself, sometimes he has a quiet day. And I had been busy and could have just missed them.
Just after I got the girls in bed, that nagging feeling came to the forefront of my mind: still no baby movement to speak of. Normally Hyrum was very active. He would wake up with me in the mornings and start kicking and wiggling around. Every morning I'd roll over from my left side to heave my big belly out of bed and like clockwork, he'd start dancing. But nothing that morning and just a quick kick or two all day. Hmmm... Time for the snack and sugary juice trick. I ate a few crackers and gulped down a random juice box we had in the pantry and waited. Around 10:30 pm, Eric and I were winding down for the night and talking about our day. In the middle of something totally unrelated, I randomly burst out, "I wish this little baby would move! He's making me nervous." I explained that I hadn't felt Hyrum moving really all day and I'd even tried the food and juice trick with no success. We debated back and forth about what to do and decided that it would be good to run it past Stephanie, my midwife, and see what she thought. Stephanie told me a few more things to try and to text her in about 45 minutes and let her know if that got baby moving. Forty five minutes later, I only had one weak "pop" to report - which made for two, maybe three weak "pops" I had felt all day. Definitely not normal for our active little guy. Stephanie said we could wait until the morning and I could come in or I could stop by her house right away to have a listen with the doppler. Having walked through Kate's birth with us, she was quick to offer any sort of help or reassurance she could to me during this pregnancy, It wasn't the first time I had made an unscheduled visit to listen with the doppler and calm my fears. So I got dressed and sped down the highway with my stomach in knots and my heart racing. It was too sickeningly familiar. Move, baby, move!!
When I got to Stephanie's house, I hardly had time for a "hello", before she told me to go lay on the couch while she grabbed her doppler. She knew my mind was only on one thing. I held my breath as she moved the probe to my belly, trying to prepare myself for the worst.... assuming he was dead was the only defense I had. Hope was somewhere there in the background, but when you've been through it once, your mind does a funny dance between hope and self-protection and fear and logic in those moments. Immediately, that blessed woosh-woosh came over the speaker. I exhaled a bit. The woosh-woosh was noticeably slower than I'd ever heard it.
"There he is," Stehpanie cooed. And then she was quiet as she prodded and shook my belly a bit. The woosh-wooshing sped up to a more normal speed. We sat there quietly for another minute and just listened. Perfect. No more slow-downs, no blips - a gorgeous sounding heartbeat. Stephanie held the probe in place, so I could listen for a while longer, while we talked. I shed a few tears and talked more about his movements that day and my fears during this pregnancy and how I wished I could fast forward and have this baby safely here. After listening and talking for a few minutes, Stephanie went over the plan for the next day. She said his heartrate was slow when we first started listening, but sped up when she stimulated him and that was good. So, she thought we should give it a little more time and see what he did. I should pay attention to his movement in the morning and check back in with her in the late afternoon - to give him most of the day to wake up and have a chance to move. If his movement wasn't back to normal, I should go get an ultrasound and work up done just to take a peek inside and see what was going on. We said goodnight and I went home- pacified for the moment, but still slightly uneasy- to get a little bit of sleep.
Wednesday, September 10th, I was up early to babysit a friend's kids. All morning as I fixed breakfast and tended kids and did housework, I had half of my mind trained on my belly, waiting for baby movement. Nothing. All was quiet. Was I too busy with kids and just missed it? I questioned. By about 11 am, friends had left, I still hadn't felt Hyrum move, and the nagging feeling in the back of my mind was too much to ignore. Although I was still supposed to give Hyrum six or so more hours before calling it, I just knew something wasn't right and I felt a great sense of urgency. So I left a message for Sunny, the ultrasound tech, and texted Stephanie, "Hey, I know it's early, but this baby still isn't moving and I'm worried. I left a message with Sunny just to give her a heads up because I'm pretty sure I will need to get an ultrasound."
A minute later my phone rang - it was Stephanie. She said that she just didn't feel right about things and she wanted me to go in immediately for a detailed scan and non-stress test with a perinatologist. She would make a phone call and call me right back. I sprang into action and ran to get a quick shower. It could be several hours before they could fit me in, but I wanted to be ready. Stephanie called back with more details about the perinatologist - it was a great clinic with doctors she really respected and had a good relationship with, I should get over there as soon as they could get me in, etc, etc. A few minutes after that, the perinatologist's office called me and told me to be to their office at 2pm.
Stephanie told me later about her experience that morning. She was at lunch with a friend and when she got my text, walked outside and called me immediately. She felt strongly about what needed to happen. She called this perinatologist's office - Dr. Elliott, who happened to be one of the leading high-risk/early birth perinatologists in the entire United States (people fly from across the country to Arizona, so that he can be their doctor), and totally phoned in a favor. They were originally not going to be able to get me in for several days, but she pulled some strings and made it happen. When she was scheduling the appointment, she had to terminate care with me (due to some rather ridiculous and unfortunate new laws Arizona passed.... grrr...), meaning even if everything was fine and I got a totally green light on baby, home birth, etc, Stephanie would no longer be legally allowed to provide care for me as my midwife. A pretty big decision. And one I am glad I didn't know at the time that she had needed to make! Anyways, so they asked her if she was terminating care and she said yes without hesitation. She told me that after the words came out of her mouth, she thought, "Wait, what? Really?" But that she felt so inspired that that was absolutely what needed to happen and she was able to act clearly and decisively. The Lord was definitely guiding things.
So, I updated Eric with the plan and asked if he could bring over a friend from work at lunch to help give me a blessing before we left for the appointment. In the blessing, I was told that the baby would be ok. I felt peace which I was grateful for after the turbulent night and morning I had. We dropped Elena and Lily off at Danny and Kristi's house and were on our way.
As we began the ultrasound, both Eric and I were holding our breath. What would we see on that screen? My mind was flashing back to that small triage room in the hospital where we found out that Kate had died. The image of our baby came up on the screen and at once I was divided between feeling relief and feeling sick. A steady little heartbeat was thump-thumping very clearly. Exhale. The worst hadn't happened. And yet... that beautiful baby was completely still - absolutely motionless except for that little heart fluttering. The memory of Kate's lifeless body in an ultrasound picture flooded my mind. Ugh- my stomach dropped. He looked exactly the same except for the bit of motion coming from his heart. What was going on? When you are having your fourth kid, you know that babies are never that still in an ultrasound - not even when they are sleeping. It was eerie. The ultrasound tech checked a few things and then said she wanted a doctor to be there for the rest of the ultrasound. After she left the room, Eric and I talked about what we had seen. We were both disconcerted from what we had seen. We could tell something was wrong, but didn't know what. Dr. Elliott wasn't available, but another very nice doctor came back in with the ultrasound tech. A few minutes later, she started explaining things. They couldn't tell why, but it appeared that the baby was not receiving oxygen through the placenta. There were some signs of distress, they hadn't been able to locate his stomach (he hadn't been eating due to the lack of oxygen depleting his energy), and he was obviously very still, also due to the lack of oxygen. So, the short answer was that we needed to get to a hospital with a very good NICU immediately. As for what exactly was going to happen? They couldn't say for sure. At the very least, I would be in the hospital for several days of monitoring, probably some oxygen therapy in the hopes of increasing the available oxygen to the baby, etc. Or I could be headed to the hospital for extended bedrest, monitoring, and oxygen therapy for however longer I was able to safely stay pregnant. Or, at the very extreme end, I could be delivering this baby immediately. It would just depend on what happened over the next little while with monitoring and what the doctor thought. We counseled with the doctor and Stephanie about different hospitals and doctors. Hands down, everyone recommended Dr. Elliott as my doctor and Banner Good Samaritan and it's level 3 NICU in Phoenix. It was a tremendous blessing that we had such amazing resources located so close to us. The doctor said she would start making arrangements and to plan on arriving at the hospital soon.
Our heads were swimming. Life is crazy how you can wake up thinking that day will be like the day before and then all of a sudden everything is different forever. And yet, "crisis health mode" is so familiar to us, we knew what to do. We started making phone calls as we drove home to pack a bag. Danny and Kristi said they would keep our kids for the next few days while we tried to get more of an idea what was happening. We were in and out of our house in 15 minutes and then went to stop in and see the girls. Elena was very frightened about what was going to happen to the baby and very upset that we were going to the hospital. Fresh on her mind was everything that we'd been through a year earlier with Kate. We showed her pictures of Hyrum from the ultrasound we'd just had and tried to laugh with her about what a cute, silly baby he was. We assured her that he hadn't died and that they would take good care of him at the hospital. It was hard. Her poor little mind has had enough of everything that has happened over the last five years. We said goodbye and zipped off to the hospital.
On the drive to the hospital, we tried to size up what we might be facing. I had recently come across a story of a woman whose water broke at 19 weeks and was in the hospital for a few months on extended bedrest before their son was born early and went to the NICU. Extended bedrest and monitoring in the hospital seemed like the probable course of action to me. I told Eric how much I was terrified of a c-section and that I hardly had words to express how much I didn't want a c-section. It was at the top of my list of terrible things that could happen to me. And here I was staring the possibility of a c-section squarely in the face. I silently cursed myself for being so fearful and obstinent and ignorant that I wouldn't ever read the chapters on "In case you have a c-section" or watch the videos or even consider the possibility of preparing for one and educating myself on them. Lesson learned: you can run and hide and pretend like something you fear won't happen to you if you don't think about it or prepare for it, but it doesn't actually work like that.
We arrived at the hospital and checked in (frustrating freaking hospital billing.... how can they tell you they have an "estimated cost" for your stay and demand immediate payment on that when no one actually knows what in the world is going on with you and what you will need?! That is a rant for another day....). We headed to the antepartum ward and were shown to a room. The nurses instructed me to get settled quickly and get into bed as fast as possible, so we could start monitoring the baby. I changed my clothes and shed a few bitter tears of disappointment about where I found myself. I saw all my dreams and hopes for a peaceful, dimly lit waterbirth in my living room flying out that darn fourth floor hospital window. There was only a moment for thoughts like that; I got into bed and paged the nurse back in. She was a gem of a woman- sweet and friendly and she had just had her first baby via c-section 8 months earlier. I really appreciated her.
A couple of nurses filed in and started hooking me up to monitors, preparing paperwork, asking us medical history questions, and so on. We were told that the plan would unfold over the next few days as we watched how things went. Tonight we would mostly just be monitoring things, keeping me off my feet, and getting a shot of steroids to help prepare baby's lungs in case he needed to come early. Standard procedure. In the morning, we would have an ultrasound and talk to the doctor.
I was having some in-tense, very regular Braxton Hicks contractions and we listened to Hyrum's heartbeat while we answered questions. Everyone in the room paused as we heard a very distinct slowing to the rhythm of Hyrum's heartbeat. Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh....lub......lub......lub......lub......lub........lub.
A nurse prodded my belly a bit. Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh. Huh. We listened for another few seconds and the nurse looked at the contraction monitor and then started asking more registration questions.
I felt everything tighten as another hard Braxton Hicks contraction came. A minute later it was over and my body loosened up again. All of a sudden the pattern on the heartrate monitor changed: ...lub.....lub.....lub......lub........lub.
Come on, baby! What is going on? I shouted in my head.
The nurses looked at the contraction monitor again. "You just finished a contraction."
"Yes, a big Braxton Hicks." I replied.
Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh. Hyrum's heartbeat went back to normal about 10 second later.
The nurses checked a few things on the monitors and made a bit of small talk with us, but didn't resume asking questions. "Here comes another contraction," I told them as another strong Braxton Hicks began.
Woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh.....
"Ok, it's ending." I informed everyone. Lub.......lub........lub.......lub.......lub.......lub. Again, Hyrum's heartrate slowed down to what seemed painfully slow.
"Baby's heart rate is deceling after the contraction finishes. That isn't what we want to see. It shouldn't be doing that." The nurse explained. "I'm going to go out and put a call in to the doctor and talk to him about it and see what he wants to do. Your steroid shot should be here soon."
To be continued...
Monday, August 24, 2015
Miracle
I have a post (or two) in the works all about Hyrum's birth story. And many more to follow about his time in the NICU. But in the meantime, I wanted to share. This kid is a miracle. Every child is a miracle. But on a near daily basis, I am completely floored by what an absolute living, breathing, tangible, army crawling, hand clapping, smiley miracle Hyrum is. We have issues we are dealing with and may deal with for his whole life, but when I think about where he started and where he is now... gah! It is the power of God manifest in a little 13.5 lb baby boy - in my arms! I am amazed at how far Hyrum has come and I am amazed by the goodness and power of God. The Lord has restored His priesthood power to the earth and it is REAL!
All throughout Hyrum's NICU stay, skin to skin -or Kangaroo Care- with us was a critical part of his care. I spent many hours every day holding Hyrum skin to skin to help him grow and develop, bond, and to help protect his little body and regulate it's functions. Eric was able to help with several skin to skin sessions, as well. This video is from one of their first skin to skin sessions.
Hyrum at about 4 or 5 days. (And p.s. my husband is just about the cutest dad ever. Make sure your volume is up loud.)
Hyrum today at 11 months old showing off his newly acquired sitting skills.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Kate's 2nd Birthday
Again this year we had a little birthday celebration for Kate at the cemetery. I really love that we eat doughnuts and those nasty nacho cheese Doritos for her birthday. :) It makes me happy. The silly food reminds me of when I was pregnant with Kate and also lends a bit of a festive feeling to our little gathering. It just feels very "Kate" - because she was full of personality and spunk. Crazy, random food just fits.
August 4th and the week or so leading up to it was hard again. Not the same hard as last year, but hard. I can't wait until I can see that girl again. My heart longs for her.
We each picked out a birthday flower for her grave.
Some family gathered to celebrate and remember with us. Thanks to family and friends who celebrated and remembered from afar!
Lily's balloon all ready for our balloon release. Cute, big girl!
Cute cousin Sam really enjoyed his balloon! (And I enjoy his adorableness!)
Doughnuts and Doritos ready to go.
Balloons away for our baby girl!
I thought Elena and Jo were super sweet. One thing I love is how Kate is very much still present in our family - as much as she can be right now. I love that the girls know her and talk about her and tell people that they have another sister. We are all excited to see her again.
This year Hyrum joined us on the outside of my belly for the party. :)
And then on Monday, August 10th, we took some lilies to Kate's grave to mark the anniversary of her burial.
Happy Birthday, Kate! We are two years closer to all being together again.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Two down...
Life carries on at a frenzied pace. There is some that is hard and scary and much that is beautiful and good. But on nights like tonight, time slows down to a crawl and I really feel my mortality. Two years down.... and I try not to think about how many more there may be until I get to be with my baby again. Because tonight it feels like every second of those remaining years will pass by as achingly slow as they feel right now. I miss my baby. I wish her beautiful face and chubby limbs and two year old antics could be here right now. How perfectly she'd fit in with her brother and sisters! What would she look like? What silly, saucy things would she say that would have us shaking our heads and suppressing smiles? Tonight, I will light a candle to keep her close. Tomorrow I will look at her pictures and hold the clothes she wore and the blanket that still smells just a bit like her and sing a little birthday song and yearn, as always, for the day I can see her again.
Happy 2nd Birthday, Sweet Kate! I love you so much!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Hyrum Wayne
He is here!
In a complete whirlwind, but under the Lord's watchful eye,
Hyrum Wayne Hoffman
was born via emergency c-section at 29 3/7 weeks on
September 10, 2014
at 8:30 pm
weighing 1 lb 15 oz
and measuring 15" long.
Here's our little guy at about two weeks old. He will be in the NICU for a few months as he continues to grow and develop and overcome some obstacles. They are taking great care of him and he is doing great. Miraculously well. He was within hours of not making it when he was born and then is quite premature, but The Lord has blessed us tremendously and Hyrum is strong and progressing well. We are so in love with this little guy. And we can't wait for the day when our family gets to be at home under one roof.
More will come later as we have little moments of time to spare. As for the rest of us... Well... Life keeps taking unexpected turns. I don't understand why things had to happen this way, but I do know The Lord will get us through. This scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 has been on my mind the last week or so and it describes a lot of my feelings:
And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me...and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Summer Happenings: A random sampling of everything else
Overall, it has been a fast and good summer. Fast summers are good in my world in this Arizona heat. :) Here is a little glimpse of some of the "daily":
In July, we celebrated TWO YEARS OFF TREATMENT!!! What on earth? Is that cool and amazing and hard to believe or what? She is doing fantastically well. Her risk of relapse is as low as it will ever be - she is well beyond the most risky stage for that. Anymore cancer would probably be considered a secondary cancer as a side effect of treatment from here on out. She still gets monitored every two months for long term effects and proper development and such, but she is doing very well. Her biggest scars at the moment are emotional and there are some hard days... poor girl. But we are so proud of her and grateful for where she is at. It is a miracle! When she was diagnosed, we could hardly imagine being done with treatment period, let alone two years OFF treatment! To celebrate that big milestone, Elena chose dinner out at Chili's.
And it was freaking hot... a lot.
But with the heat, there are a lot of amazing desert sunsets to be had:
We made several trips (across the street :)) to visit Daddy at work. I have fond memories of visiting my dad at work as a young child (sugar cubes, an old DOS golf game on the computer, and the smell of oil and grease and tires and cars) and so this made me smile to think about the memories our girls are creating. One of those memories will surely be that Eric lets them get a treat out of the vending machine when they come. Definitely a highlight. :)
Our little engineer in his cube - with lots of things to make it "Eric" - I spy a fish in a vase, some greenery, and a little BYU love.
Engineering space camp photo!
Although I'm at 29 weeks now, here's the latest belly shot at 27 weeks. This is getting serious, people- we are down to every 2 weeks appointments with my midwife!
We braved the heat a few less insane mornings (like the mornings we can get out early when it's only in the 90's) and enjoyed some nice walks.
We have been counting down for the first BYU football game of the year all summer and the day before the game, I walked into Elena and Lily's room to see them all prepped and ready. :)
Elena, Lily, and I had fun decorating the house for the first game and surprising Eric. When he walked in the door Elena shouted, "It's a secret wonderland forest of BYU football!!!" Hahaha. Secret wonderland forest, indeed. :)
For Christmas, we got the girls a baby bird. She is a Parrotlet and the girls named her Blueberry Gogurt (Lily) Snow (Elena) Hoffman - Blueberry for short. She is funny and smart and not too loud and a good deal of fun to have in the house. We had many hours of playing with and laughing at our funny bird.
Lily is still crazy. And stinking cute. She has such a BIG personality inside that little body - she confounds Eric and I on a daily basis and all we can do is laugh and shake our heads at her.
Everyone is getting rather excited to meet little baby boy. One day shortly before our ultrasound, Elena spent her quiet time browsing a baby book for possible names for this baby. This list is pure awesome, but our favorites are probably: Boromeo (pronounced Bore-o-mayo), Earl, and Feo. :)
And we've enjoyed some good pool time, as well.
Goodbye summer! And here's to fall and football season and babies and less heat (please, please come on cooler temperatures!) and holidays and all the wonderful things that come from here on out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Cedar Waxwing
by Eric Hoffman 12/23/06
